Should a child ask for food or just take it?

MidLifeCrisis_3 · 28 March 2014 at 9:36AM

OH and I had a little debate about this last night and still aren't sure what the protocol is. I was brought up in a house where as a child if I wanted something to eat then I had to ask for it before helping myself as it was good manners. OH thinks it was similar in his house, but neither of us can remember until what age this was the rule.

Anyway a few days ago DS was eating an apple he'd taken from the fruit bowl after school, so I said I don't mind you having it, but I wish you'd ask first in case I was keeping it for something. The following night he did the same thing and again I said I didn't mind, but I'd prefer if you ask first. Then yesterday he says he had an apple at school, I thought he meant a leftover from the free fruit scheme, but he casually says that he took it in from home.

Now don't get me wrong we're fully aware he's a growing boy and obviously it's not a big deal as it's just fruit and not right on dinner time, but I just wondered what other people do? He is 10, so should he be asking for food out of courtesy or should he just be able to take things when he's feeling hungry? I always offer a snack after school of fruit, crackers, a couple of biscuits, etc anyway, but on the other hand I would be cross if he greedily helped himself to things like biscuits, crisps or chocolate bars without a thought of what his fair share is.

Interested to hear others opinions.

MLC

thorsoak · 28 March 2014 at 9:50AM

We worked on the principle that "if it's on view, it's freely available". If you had to open the cupboard/fridge to get it, then you asked first.

Domayne · 28 March 2014 at 9:53AM

I never had to ask in my house if I wanted something to eat, I just took it...I still do! lol
If the fruit bowl is clearly on display and the child is hungry, why does he need to ask permission to eat?

duchy · 28 March 2014 at 9:55AM

I was raised ...and work on the same principle too.
An apple in a fruit bowl isn't decorative it's for eating surely ?
TBH you sound a bit controlling....... If it was such a big issue for you why on earth would you leave fruit out...... As for objecting to the child taking an apple to school-words fail me....you didn't even know til he told you so you hardly "needed it for something else". Most parents encourage kids to eat fruit -keep this up and you'll put him off eating so healthily.

It appears you are equating taking fruit from a fruit bowl (which is what it is for) ...with some imaginary taking of crisps or chocolate bars from a cupboard (which he apparently *hasn't* done but you think he may do someday in the future) Do you not see how insane that sounds? I don't know who was on which side of your "little debate" but I can understand why it became "a little debate" ! If my OH got so over protective of the fruitbowl I'd think he had lost the plot ! If you don't want fruit to be taken freely and prefer to ration it then don't put it out on display in a fruit bowl !

kerri_gt · 28 March 2014 at 10:02AM

I was bought up such that I would always ask before taking any food, and if I wanted to make a cup of tea , that I would offer huge rest of the house too. Of course, if I was home alone (as I got older) this didn't apply, such as getting home from school and making a snack.

I would still ask permission at my DM house now, it's not my food, I haven't paid for it and it's just good manners. My cousins were also bought up the same and we are now all in our 30's.

My friends two girls (9 & 7) always ask permission for food / drinks.

I think it's basic manners, and enables the parent to monitor what the child is eating. I really can't stand kids that just take without asking, I've witnessed kids munch merrily through crisps, biscuits and dessert pots, then their parents were surprised they didn't want their dinner.

Brenny · 28 March 2014 at 10:03AM

Isn't it a matter of degree and teaching good manners? In my house I don't mind husband taking food but, if he didn't consider me at same time, I would be miffed (for instance, if I had two hot crossed buns in the cupboard and he toasted them both for himself without asking/thinking of me I wouldn't be particularly happy!) Surely it's this thought process that children need to be taught/aware of?

fabforty · 28 March 2014 at 10:04AM

Growing up, we always had to ask first. As we got older (teens), it was more a case of checking first - depending on what it was. With five siblings, if we all just ate whatever we saw whenever we felt like it, the cupboards would have been permanently bare. Plus my brothers had a habit of snacking (making great big sandwiches of eating whole packets of biscuits) just before mealtimes and then not eating their dinner. Or mum thinking that we had bread for sandwiches only to discover that someone had eaten it and forgotten to mention it. I don't think children should have to beg for food in their own homes, but I do think that they should at least say that they are taking something.

Toto · 28 March 2014 at 10:05AM

I have to agree with the others. I would be very pleased with my daughter if she helped herself to fruit (and she does) rather than asking for sweets or biscuits.

I have no idea why you would want such tight control over a 10 year olds desire for food. It must feel bit suffocating for him. If you wanted an apple for something then surely you would put it aside somewhere not leave it in the bowl.

MidLifeCrisis_3 · 28 March 2014 at 10:07AM

It's just the way I was brought up. I didn't say anything to him about taking the apple to school, but he already had other fruit in his bag too. I just wondered what age people thought should children be able to help themselves to stuff without having to ask as things are a bit different now than when I was a kid. It's not about the apple(s) I suppose the thinking when I was a kid was if something had been bought to use for something or if we took 3 kitkats just because we felt hungry with no consideration for others in the house. I can also remember my brother eating packets of biscuits in one go and right on dinner time given half a chance. I haven't had a go at him about any of this, just wondered what other people do.

The main reason I asked the question is because we didn't want to seem controlling towards him and so I asked for opinions as we were worried that in having to ask for food that he would feel that way. So, yes for us it's more about the good manners side of things than monitoring what he eats. He eats a healthy varied diet and there is always fruit available and he's allowed other treats.

duchy · 28 March 2014 at 10:10AM

I do think there is a massive difference between taking a piece of fruit from a bowl on display and foraging in cupboards. In this case I'm not seeing the child did the latter just that the OP seems to think he might .......one day........maybe.
Posted with you OP...... What I do (and I imagine most people are the same) is fruit bowl is open season...... stuff in cupboards or fridge need to ask first out of courtesy. At ten I think children are more than capable of understanding the difference (actually even at five I'd think most children are).

Thinking back - when I was growing up there was also a "treats bowl" as well as a fruit bowl which was also free range but Mum obviously controlled how often it was refilled so she knew what we had eaten. Whole family was slim so it didn't cause weight/health issues...in fact because it wasn't a big deal it probably contributed to us all eating healthily. I do think if you make any food forbidden it makes it more attractive to kids..... Moderation in all things works -at least for me. As a kid I had equally access to sweets and fruit (sweets were always available as Mum worked in a sweet factory with a staff shop lol) but I only remember once overeating sweets -and feeling so rubbish I never did it again so learned to self regulate .

A lot goes to our own attitudes towards food as a child (those three Kit-Kats resonate with you still it seems

) without thinking that we may have different attitudes towards food to our parents and different rules for our kids.

I'm glad you didn't have a go at him ..... but maybe offer him more choice in what fruit he has in his bag........or perhaps he just saw the apple on his way out to school and fancied it ? It's not like he tried to hide that he took it from you.

notechno · 28 March 2014 at 10:14AM

I'm wondering what you could be needing an apple for, over and above a child having it to eat? I hate issues around food, I'm not referring to you personally OP but some people do seem to see it as an area where they can exercise a lot of control over others

Should a child ask for food or just take it?

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