Bereft and Broken

skipton · 2 September 2016 at 11:55PM

Hi Smolly
I think EM is right. Having been a piggy in the middle you do feel pulled both ways. mine happened when I lived out in Kenya and mum was in UK. My ex DH objected to me writing so often and about getting so many letters from her.
As for putting the phone down that is just a controlling mechanism and downright rude and hurtful. Try asking them not to do it and if they continue you try putting the phone down on them first. I'm sure they will object and make a fuss but you will have made your point.

Good news about your car. Mine passed too.

Keep positive.

chevalier · 3 September 2016 at 1:24AM

Aside from the money, I think both your OH and your mum come across as quite controlling of your. As long as you toe the line then your life is relatively pleasant (is how they see it from the outside), but the minute you start asserting yourself in even a slight way (seeing a friend in your mum's case, seeing your mum in your OH case) then they stomp down on your. Putting the phone down on people is a form of control, because the implication is that the next time they pick up the phone, the previous grievance will be done with, and so you are a meany if you bring it up again. Despite them being in the wrong.

I would look up gaslighting actually.

As for the debts for you to be tackling them at all with the pyschological strain you are under deserves a pat on the back.Well done on making the first moves in this.

One slightly more sympathetic thought I did have about your mum, is that she might have been feeling low due to the anniversary of her husbands death too? She may have assumed that you would spend more time with her because 'it was that time of the year'. But if this is part of a current pattern of bullying behaviour then it is not ok anyway.

good luck moving forward
chev

pelirocco · 4 September 2016 at 11:06AM

How was the debt built up? only asking because if you are expected to contribute to household expenses out of your small income , I can't see how you will ever clear it (even if it's just yours to spend I can't see it getting cleared) Your husband doesn't sound supportive , so whats the worse that could happen if you tell him and go bankrupt (you will need to get advice on if it will impact on him )
I think the best thing for your mental and physical well being would be bankruptcy , give yourself a break

MyLastFiver · 4 September 2016 at 11:35AM

Smolly,

I've been following your thread off-and-on for a while. My tone sometimes comes across as harsh on here so I should tell you that I hugely sympathise with your situation and only want to support, because you seem like a good person who deserves support.

My main point is that you have the right not to share your life with someone who is "vile" to you. For most people, it is a minimum expectation that the person you spend your life with does not insult and degrade you. Most people would have no problem weeding out of their lives someone who makes them feel bad. Because that's not love - that's at best an unhealthy co-dependency, and at worst, an abusive relationship.

Reading between the lines, I think you only stay with your partner because you depend on him financially, hence you won't tell him about your debt, because he would be - shall we say - extremely unsupportive.

Everyone - including you - should have someone they can turn to for support with a problem, no matter what the problem is. This is a basic prerequisite for happiness, but it seems that you have settled for less, much less, perhaps because you feel that you're not worth it.

It seems to me that much of your anxiety and unhappiness comes from trying to cope alone. I think you learned a long time ago that you can't count on anyone else. Furthermore, I think you learned that people will only be nice to you if you keep quiet and do whatever they say. That must be a lonely way to live.

It doesn't have to be like this for you. I'm not telling you to go and dump your OH (I don't know enough about your life to make that call), but this should certainly be a serious option if you've set some clear boundaries about how you expect to be treated, but he cannot honour them.

To me, having a bit of debt is a side issue to the more fundamental problems in your life. You may have a think and decide that you deserve a better life than the one you currently have. Because I think you do.

If you do, come back on here and let us help you on that journey.

Smolly · 4 September 2016 at 7:01PM

Thank you all who have come on here and contributed since my last post. They are all lovely posts and since reading Chevalier's post about gaslighting I find myself having a lot to think about. I find everyday a drain trying to fend off criticism. Most of the time I just let it happen because I have no energy to deal with it and if I do try to assert myself it is worse. I know that I shouldn't be here in this relationship. I am made to feel daily that I am worthless and useless. I live on eggshells and just sit back waiting for the next round. The only time things are 'good' are when I toe the line.

I am here though for DS - I cannot bring myself to leave for his sake. And yes there are the financial implications but I already decided a long time ago that I would declare myself bankrupt should I get out. I just don't have the energy, and I have absolutely no confidence in myself anymore to do the right thing.

When I think back about 15 years I was a completely different person. I was vibrant, I was energised, and had a fantastic social life. I had joined a national activity group and thought nothing of spending my weekends going off kayaking or sailing or hiking or even jumping off cliffs into the sea. I'd go alone but would make loads of friends along the way. There were social events too and I would easily have classed myself as outgoing.

Now the only people I interact with are the 3 women I work with, and my Mum. I shy away from any social occasion (not that I'm invited to anything anyway) and I prefer being completely on my own or with DS than anything else. I'm also now claustrophobic - I can't bear shopping centres, or railway stations or anywhere where there are crowds of people. I spend my days in loose fitting clothes or pyjamas if I don't go out. I put on a brave front and tomorrow I may come on here and you might think I'm someone different. I keep myself to myself to avoid having to explain myself and putting it all down here is breaking my heart.

Tomorrow or Tuesday when I can find the time I'm going to ring MIND to see when they can offer me some one to one counselling. OH has been off for the past two weeks so sorting anything out has been impossible.

Thank you all who have supported me. I'm sorry I've not given individual thanks but you are all lovely xxx

When_the_going_gets_tough · 4 September 2016 at 7:28PM

What a brave post Smolly. You deserve a better life than this and so does your son. I hope that one day you are able to claim it for yourself. Never let money be a reason to stop you - there is always a way through. Good luck

Thistle-down · 4 September 2016 at 7:46PM

Wow Smolly, the debt seems to be the least of your troubles. I wish you only the best and truly hope that you can find a better place in life.

nkkingston · 5 September 2016 at 12:51PM

I know it can seem like a good idea to stay for DS, but think about what he's learning as he watches you interact. Do you want him to enter a similar relationship with a future spouse, either being controlled or controlling his partner?

Gelda · 5 September 2016 at 1:35PM

Please have a look at refuge.org.uk when you have a chance. You are experiencing domestic abuse - even if it is not physical.

Remember to clear your browsing history afterwards.

MrsTinks · 5 September 2016 at 2:19PM

You will never please everyone so you may as well please yourself...

I see my mum maybe twice a year and my dad I haven't seen in years. I speak to them when there is something to talk about, I'm the first port of call when the !!!! hits the fan but other than that we don't really chat... The idea of three calls a day with either of them fills me with dread and frankly I think you're a saint having done it this long!

No-one can tell you what to do about DH, we can all advise and suggest, but any decision (be it stay or go) will have to be yours and yours alone. What I WILL say is don't stay because you're afraid you can't do it alone... because of course you can! Look how far you have come already!

Our children are our legacy - so make DS your primary focus... Your mum sounds like shes a manipulative woman, you are her daughter, NOT her slave! You need to take control of that relationship and develop some Teflon shoulders... her crap needs to just slide off you when she's in a mood. Live YOUR life, don't live in hers... which I think you are partly doing. You might find by taking control of your life thing may or may not change with DH, it may get better or it may not, but either way work out if it is what you want your DS to think of as normal?

Bereft and Broken

Comments

Categories

Get our FREE Weekly email full of deals & guides - and it’s spam-free