Bereft and Broken

horseygirl2014

Hi Smolly,

thanks for the update, you sound much more positive

I must say I chuckled when I read that the relaxation tape was in Chinese - this sounds like something i'd do.

Hope you get things sorted with Halifx tomorrow, It would be great if they were helpful.
Either way - You are half way there with dealing with your debt people! Keep up the good work, and then definitely breath on Thursday.

There are a few apps available if you have a smartphone, which are good at generating some additional cash - (i have no idea how much data they use - keep an eye on that) I'm not talking stacks of money - I wish - but a extra fiver here and there for very little effort, really can make a difference. I only mention them, as a few dont involve surveys, which when i'm tired, i struggle to concentrate to do.

Glad you enjoyed the sunshine - Friday was wet and horrid with us, but its been lovely the last few days, nice and warm, and sunny, so i've been pottering round the garden. We are still wadding through our glut of courgettes, but the end appears to be in sight. Our freezer is now full of the things - shame i dont like them - but they go in pretty much everything we eat at the moment.

ERICS_MUM

Hi Smolly,

Your update sounds more upbeat, and calmer if you don't mind me saying so. Nice to spend time with your Mum.

Good luck with HSBC tomorrow and the other 2.

As for Horseylady's courgettes ! Why do you grow them if you don't like them ? My neighbour always grows a marrow (just one !) and then goes knocking on neighbours' doors until he finds someone who will give it a good home ! I can't stand the things. I don't mind courgettes occasionally though.

horseygirl2014

I dont like the courgettes, but mum and dad do, they are easy to grow, and they are a great at bulking out soups, stews etc, where i cant tell that they are hidden in. Sure its still more the idea of them that i dont like, but i've just learnt to accept that most of our meals have courgette in them!
We also sell them at car boots

Thistle-down

Good luck with your phone call, I really hope it all goes well for you.

You sound fairly upbeat, though tired. I'm glad you were able to relax for a bit!

Smolly

Hello all and thanks to horseygirl, EM and Thistle for popping by. Horseygirl I had to laugh at your courgette story and how you use them in almost everything you eat. I am similar with carrots although don't have any green fingers and the thought of gardening fills me with horror.:eek: Nasty word. But OH and DS ask me every day - why is it that every meal we have has carrots in it? I'm sure they'd miss them if I didn't include them! I'm also going to have a look at these apps you mention - I think I have an idea what they are and I'm all for an extra fiver here and there!

Thanks all - I am feeling a bit more upbeat thankfully. I can't say I've done what I set out to do though at the start of this week and that was phone the remaining creditors. I did try. I rang the Halifax and got through to Collections and I think the nice man on the other end was a tad overwhelmed by me. I don't make telephone calls easily. I could never work in a contact centre!:rotfl: He couldn't wait to get rid of me and tried desperately to get through to their Specialist Support team but it wasn't happening. In the end I had a panic attack and had to cut the nice man off. So I've written a letter - 3 pages long (they'll be glad I didn't ring in the end!) and told them everything I can think of that they may need to know. I also sent one to Tesco and NatWest as I've heard nothing from them either.

I'm still off work - the doctor signed me off for a week. He was very reluctant to sign me off at all - thought I would spend the week in bed but hand on heart I haven't. If I've felt like a nanna nap I've just switched the goggle box on and watched some mindless rubbish for an hour.

The panic attacks have been a bit of a nuisance this week though - they start as soon as I go anywhere - shops, post office, chemist. It's meant I've saved money but not very practical. I couldn't pick up my prescription yesterday. The chemist was detained for a while and couldn't check my prescription. After 20 minutes I had to leave as I was getting very hot and breathless (not as fun as it sounds!). I was wondering if I needed to take any more time off. The last thing I need is to go back to work and then find I need more time off still. That isn't going to look good.

I did pop into work yesterday though to hand in my sick note and really wish I hadn't. They are in such a mess. There are only 4 of us, and when I went off another woman did too and they've had to bring a variety of temps in to get the work done. It looked like chaos. I felt so guilty and a bit annoyed with myself as I've missed a huge load of overtime with the other woman being off, but I honestly don't think I could have coped. I will see how I go over the next couple of days. If on Friday morning I still feel like pants I will go back to the doctor. They had already quadrupled my dose of anxiety tablets the last time I went. This time they took that dose and doubled it. No wonder I'm tired getting used to it all.

I really wish I could update my signature but I'm in the position at the moment where my debt is going up rather than down because of the interest that's still being added. Once it's all stopped (hopefully) I will update it.

Right, I had better move myself. I have to pick DS up from school early as it's his blood tests as the hospital today. Sadly there will be no after hospital trip to the toy shop as is normally the case as I'm skint until my Populus cheque clears. Fortunately DS understands. The last time I took him I told him he could have £10 to spend. He somehow conned me out of £30 though so I need to be a bit more assertive this time....which is never going to happen!

xx

ERICS_MUM

Smolly I used to struggle going out. My sister got me to write a list of where I needed to go, in order of importance. At first I only got one done. Gradually managed to get through 4-5 things in an hour or so (posting a letter, paying a cheque at the bank, buying Radio Times, ridiculous things really.).

Mum gave me one of those small battery fans and funnily enough I remember using it while I sat in Boots one day waiting for my prescription.

That was years ago and even though I don't have that level of anxiety at the mo, I still do lists and carry a fan ! We all have coping mechanisms but most people don't recognise them as such. They are part of everyday life.

Muttipops

Smolly, what else is your GP doing for you about the panic attacks, apart from tablets? Have you had or are you going to have any therapy, particularly Cognitive Behaviour Therapy?
I ask, because several members of my family have anxiety problems which drag on and on with no resolve because they do not get the treatment they need.
One of them has been recommended this website by a psychologist http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/panic.htm
so that she can do some learning about what is happening to her in the panics and how to cope with them and stay in the situation until the panic goes away, which it always does, given time.
If you would like to look at the website, i hope it might be of some help to you.

Smolly

Hi EM - I am a huge lover of a good list and I write one everyday. In fact the amount of time I spend writing the list, and amending it, I could have got the first one or two things on the list done! I too write a list for when I go out and number them in order of where I am going to go, preferably also in order of importance. That way, if I only make the first one or two I'm probably not so worried about the last ones. I also aim to make it that I'm not out of the house for more than an hour as I find it too overwhelming. Work is an exception to this - once I'm there I'm fine as I work with some lovely ladies (apart from one!) and the time just flies by. That said though, I have decided to take a little longer off from work. I don't know if it's the right thing to do but I do feel a little calmer knowing I'm not going to have a huge panic attack whilst at work. I had a couple of really awful days last week, and just felt like I was suffocating. Needless to say the OH caused most of it. Less said on that the better I think...

Muttipops - thank you for popping by. I'm afraid to say my GP doesn't seem very concerned about my panic attacks. He has given me the tablets and told me to self-refer to the counselling service. He didn't even give me the address. I had a form I needed completing to send to my creditors and he said he would do it for the beginning of this week - he still hasn't. When I had my awful couple of days last week I rather rashly rang the doctors and made an appointment with another GP. Then I wondered what I was doing - they couldn't give me any more tablets and I realised I just needed to speak with someone. This other GP was a little kinder but still looked as though she wanted me out of her room asap. She told me I had been put on the highest dose of anti-anxiety tablets they could prescribe and promptly brought it back down to half of that. What are these doctors playing at? I'm thinking of changing surgeries to be honest.

I have self-referred myself anyway to the counselling service and that begins 03/10/16. Someone on here recommended an online course for Mindfullness. I've started it but also one on Depression and Anxiety. I've only done the first week but I'm finding it interesting and hoping I can get some use out of it. It recommends the CBT route which I'm hoping will be offered to me when I have my therapy.

Muttipops (love the name by the way) - thank you for the link. I have some catching up to do but am going to look at that next. I have the page opened ready...

Other news - Halif@x may be on board - well my account is with the Priority Team rather than standard collections. We just haven't decided on an acceptable repayment plan yet but we'll get there. Still waiting to hear from N@tWest and T3sco.

I've now officially run out of money but payday is on Wednesday and there's enough food in the house to get by. Petrol light is bleeping but as I'm off work I shouldn't need the car and can walk to most places. Mother was a bit put out because I didn't visit her but I can't get there on fumes especially as it's an hour away. To be honest I felt relieved - I just wanted some time at home to myself and with DS.

I have managed to list a few bits on 3Bay this evening. Not nearly enough as it's DS's birthday soon and nothing to show for it but I do have a few survey sites I can cash out if things get desperate. My budget this last month has been really up and down. I was paid a bit of overtime and used this to kick start my Christmas shopping. I blagged a few £5 vouchers for a high street shop out of a national newspaper and spent each one buying small gifts for my SD and her BF for Christmas. A few things were over a fiver but I didn't have to spend much.

I'm going to have to be creative with the grocery budget this next month and am going to head over to the grocery threads shortly to see if I can get any inspiration to help me. Having said that I have stayed within budget for food and petrol this month so am feeling quite proud of myself in my first month. There have been times when I've thought I would love to buy something and would have done so immediately in the past with the use of a credit card. But now comes the realisation that I can't do that anymore, and you know what? I'm not disappointed in the slightest - I feel alive when I remember this. My debts aren't going down yet and how I will manage that I have no idea, and they are in the short term going up slightly, but eventually I will get to the point where they stop increasing, and I can think of ways to pay them off. Hopefully by that point I'll be feeling better in myself and able to take on more.

Sorry everyone for the huge ramble - just typing all this down is therapy in itself and makes me feel better as I can see I'm making progress, albeit baby steps.

xx

Swash

Hi Smolly, I've just read through all of your diary so far and you have done amazing at facing your problems head on.

I can relate to a lot of what you go through re depression and anxiety. I have been depressed on and off for most of my life (scary when I think about it like that). But know that it isn't always as unbearable/ difficult/ heartbreaking as you may sometimes feel.

From my experience, living with depression has peaks and troughs, and there is always a way out of the dark days. Just carry on doing what you're doing, you will find your way. In the mean time, I will continue to read on and be inspired by your determination.

Swash x

Thistle-down

My son had terrible anxiety and the CBT and mindfulness courses really helped him. I hope they are useful for you, too!

I suffered from clinical depression for nearly all my life, I can't imagine how hard it must be to have anxiety as well. Luckily for me, since I started menopause it's all gone away. I was on tablets from about 1988 and despite numerous attempts to stop taking them, I always sunk back into depression and went back on them again. I stopped taking prozac about a year ago. It's strange and lovely to be free from it and makes me wonder how much of women's depression is connected to hormones or imbalances.