Bereft and Broken

Smolly

Just a quick thank you to everyone who has popped by recently and offered invaluable advice and support. It means so much and I am just getting by at the moment with the things I need to do to get through each day. I do feel stronger though now I have managed to do some research about what is happening, but these things are going to take time.

Updates: I tried to call Stepchange to sort a few bits out with my DMP before I send the paperwork back but spent ages waiting so am now waiting for an email back from them.

I also rang MIND, and again, and again, and again. It seems they don't answer calls but expect you to leave a message for someone to call back. I don't want to do that so shall wait until I'm next in the town centre and will pop in personally. There is also another mental health centre I can call at also in the town centre, and on 19 September I start a couple of online courses on Depression and Mindfulness.

I did have a very interesting phone call this morning from MBN@. They are the only creditor to have responded to me. Initially they replied saying they understood my situation but couldn't stop interest until Stepchange contacted them. So I wrote back asking to please stop the interest as you aren't helping me. What I did do in each of my letters to each and every creditor was be brutally honest about the problems I'm facing. When I read the standard letters about sending token payments to creditors I thought 'I can't just send that'. I owe them £xxxx.xx and they deserve to know the real reason why I can't pay. So I told them. Everything.

MBN@ rang me this morning. It felt like the lovely woman on the end was giving me a virtual hug - she was so nice. She told me she wasn't from Collections, she was from 'Special Support' - a very small group that dealt with people like me who were experiencing health problems or had specific types of life-changing problems. She asked me how my Mum was and she asked about DS bless her and it felt genuine. She told me I couldn't afford to pay anything, to not bother including the 3Bay money I may or may not make every month in my budget sheet, and to not worry. They weren't going to chase me and she would phone me in 3 months to check I was ok. I didn't need to even pay the £1 token payment if I couldn't afford it. They would wait to hear from Stepchange and mandatory letters would still go out but I should just ignore them. And she would ensure Collections didn't contact me by phone or letter. She gave me her name and a freephone number to call her back on. She told me I should inform my other creditors what MBN@ were doing and hope they do the same. She was an :A I'm sure.

After than I took DS to a hospital appointment. We were there ages. The doctor we saw was on duty the night DS was born and he's been seeing him every year since. He's lovely. I was expecting us to be discharged - I expect it every year we go, but every year they say - not yet. Too much left to get through. Let's wait a bit longer. It's ok - I remember what it was like when DS had several different appointments every week, month in month out. That was draining. I am just thankful now that people are still involved but I feel we are sitting on a time bomb. DS will need further major heart surgery at some point in the next few years and everyday I think about it - I just can't switch off. Anyway, today I was expecting 'he's fine see you again next year', but the poor lad has to go off for a round of blood tests.

He was confused about the blood tests when he came out and said 'is that where they put the jelly on my tummy Mummy?' Aah bless no.

The doctor also encouraged me to contact his plastic surgeon again - DS has had 4 lots of plastic surgery to date on top of all his other operations and the plastic surgery ones haven't really worked as we had hoped. It has just been so nice these past two years to not have any sort of operation to think about but I got the impression Dr was telling me to at least consider more surgery. I know further surgery there is needed but DS was so adamant he didn't want to go through it again. He doesn't remember most of his surgery but those ones he does!

What else can I say? Been doing well with some mystery shopping - mostly restaurant visits but it means a trip out, a meal paid for and grocery spends down. Plus because the actual pay is so low it won't affect my tax code as most of what I am being paid is expenses. I'll have done 7 or 8 mystery shops within a fortnight soon, and at least 5 of those will be meals! Even OH is enjoying himself. Now there's a first! He gets to go out, have a meal and not pay!

Right me and my Teflon Shoulders :rotfl: (thanks MrsTinks! love it!) are off to bed. I've had enough and DS is back at school tomorrow. Good night everyone xx

Thistle-down

What a great experience with the phone call from MBN@. I am so happy for you, things like that make you realise that there is hope yet.

Big hugs :grouphug:

sourcrates

Hi smolly,

Your experience with MBNA seems to have been a good one, sometimes it pays to lay your cards on the table, I hope the rest of your creditors are equally supportive.

I wish you lots of luck wth everything.

enthusiasticsaver

Just read your diary Smolly and you sound so much more positive than the first post. I think you should read it through and see how far you have come in facing up to the debts you have and trying to find a way forward in between dealing with anxiety, depression, bereavement, caring responsibilities for your mum, health issues for your DS and an unsupportive OH. Amazing really.

I would also say, as many others have that for your own sanity you need to set some boundaries re how much time you allocate to your mum, given she sounds somewhat difficult and not at all empathetic and the treatment doled out to you by your OH. He has a social life as I understand it and good that the mystery shopping is letting you enjoy a few restaurant meals but you also need time to yourself. I think saving a few pound a week for a holiday using your friends hotel membership gift would definitely be a treat for you to look forward to.

On an income of £460 you will be limited in what you can allocate to your debts so realistically these will not come down until your income increases. An emergency fund is a must for your car in particular and also do remember going Bankrupt is not the stigma it once was. I still feel a DMP is the way to go and hopefully all your other creditors will be as sympathetic as MBNA.

I wish you good luck with the debt and your health problems and hope you start to find some happiness in the future.

Smolly

Thank you to everyone who has stopped by and left positive messages of support. I can't thank you all enough - you all make me feel so much better.

Life has been a bit tough these last few days. I tried to ring Stepchange to change my budget after I had spoken to MBN@. I wanted them to reduce the income I had declared as just recently I've hardly been making anything on 3Bay and my budget relies on £100 coming in, in order to pay a small amount to my creditors each month. It seems impossible to get through - I need to speak to a debt advisor but all are always busy. They will ring me back but I can't risk a call back at home. So I'm stuck at the moment and can't send my paperwork off until I have changed some bits with them.

I still can't get through to MIND and haven't had an opportunity to go into town either to see them directly. I'm not sure my meds are fully working as I've had some very bad moments this week where I have felt extremely down - much more than usual and the shaking has come back. I need to see my Dr again.

The letter of my confirmed payments with MBN@ came - they are happy to accept...£0.00 per month! I also heard from H5BC who apparently have been trying to ring me. My case with them has also gone to a specialist team who deal with health problems. I have to have a letter signed by my doctor about my health, and they've given me a letter of authority to get signed by someone to deal with my affairs. I don't want to do that - particularly as there is no one. I have been trying to answer calls as they come through but if I'm at work I can't.

I was a bit unsteady at work on a couple of days this week too so decided to confide a little bit in my manager. I only told her a small fraction of what she needed to know but I wanted her to understand if things got the better of me at work. Fortunately work feels like a haven for me so I don't think there will be a problem but I have to make sure.

Other news - I had a refund from a company this week which was a blessing as I was getting a little short. The money (only £40) was paid into an account I no longer use. Hours later someone tries to use the debit card attached to the card to buy mobile credit! Fortunately Halif@x were on the ball and stepped in. Just wondering what to do - no evidence if the company involved had anything to do with it but seems such a coincidence.

Am trying to remain positive about everything - it does seem a struggle but I can only do one day at a time. It is such a relief not to have to overthink the debts and feels amazing to know I can't rely on credit anymore so this mess can't get any worse. I often find myself wondering where I'll be in a year's time. I can't see my work situation improving too dramatically as I am so tired, probably from the increased meds. I made the mistake of having a glass of wine with one of my mystery meals and practically passed out when I got home. I won't be doing that again!

What I do hope is that my health has improved and my state of mind has improved. Overall I hope I'm more assertive and able to decide for myself what the best thing to do is, instead of constantly overthinking things and wondering if I'm making another wrong decision.

Anyway I am soooooo tired now so heading off to bed. Goodnight all.

ERICS_MUM

Thanks for the update Smolly. For what it's worth, I think you are going amazingly well considering everything you have to juggle. Just keep plodding on, taking the small successes and dealing with the small setbacks. You will build up your confidence in due course.

One particular anti depressant I took every morning made me very tired, my GP told me to take it mid-evening instead so that I slept through the night but the drowsy effects had worn off by morning. My GP tweaked my meds a lot before we found the most effective combo. He was and still is brilliant.

Thistle-down

I had so many problems getting through to Stepchange on the phone that I ended up going to the CAB where the paperwork was done in person with their debt specialist team. It was so much easier for me, if they needed something signed or more papers, I was able to pop down the same day. I did have to have one phone call but it was scheduled, so I was ready and waiting.

That is so strange about the Halifax account. Was someone just trying a random debit card number? Did the company who refunded you have the debit card number?

I hope you are able to get your meds sorted soon and that you are able to get seen by MIND or another counsellor ASAP. You can ask your Dr to refer you to a counsellor, you might get seen sooner.

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Counselling/Pages/Introduction.aspx

It sounds like you've been under a huge amount of stress for a very long time.

horseygirl2014

I'm glad to see you keep coming back and updating Smolly, I keep following your progress even if i dont comment

Im sure it feels like at the moment you are taking 2 steps forward, and 1 step back. Focus on the 1 step forward you make

Its great News about MBN@, and it sounds like H5BC are looking into things in a sensitive manner too.

As for the debit card to try and get the credit out of your Halifax account, i wonder if it was just rubbish luck. I personally would empty that account, and either close it completely, another option would be to ask halifaz to cancel the debit card. (not even sure if thats possible )

With the meds, do you think your body is adjusting to the new level, but the shaking doesnt sound nice. ( i have to take my meds (1/day) on a night to get around my side effects, as the nausea and dizzleness were crippling some days and downright horrid the rest of the time)
When you see your DR, see if you local authority does self referral for counclling, as the wait for dr referred appointments in our area was ridiculous - 6 months - good job my meds worked!
Anyway My DR said our area now did self referral, so you can contact the outpatient team direct and see arrange to see a councelor, without having to wait for all the paperwork to keep flying backwards and forwards in the system.

It sounds like you are spending a lot of time trying to please everyone else around you - try and make time for you. Make time for that trip into town and see someone at MIND. I hope that just being able to talk things through should make a difference to you.

Take Care x

ERICS_MUM

Reading horseygirl's post has reminded me that my GP suggested I try to do some gentle exercise. He actually referred me to our local council's leisure centre for 6 months free subscription to the gym and swimming pool. After a couple of false starts I went for an induction and have never looked back. Even 10 mins on the treadmill makes me feel better. I've now moved on to some classes - aquarobics and fitness for 50+. I so enjoy them, especially the company of other middle aged women - we all look hideous in our swimming Cossies but we have a laugh. Most of us have 'issues', depression, back injuries, in remission from cancer etc so we are gentle with each other, and the instructors ditto.

Smolly, you might not feel upto taking such a big step yet but please bear it in mind. I can't believe how much Ive benefitted from it.

Xx

changeforbetter

Hi Smolly,

Been reading though your account and can certainly relate to a lot of your situation. I even had roughly the same debt amount as you when I started my DMP (26k), and a small income similar to yours too.

More importantly though, I've suffered with anxiety issues and I think the cause is very clear. I also have not been able to reveal everything to my OH, for a few different reasons. I know that not being totally open is not healthy, and I think it makes us anxious. I would add however, getting things more steady, such as the DMP will help with this. At least you can start feeling progress, feel that you are not now hiding something as terrible as when you just 'let it be'. I buried my head in the sand for a long time. Now, I've made some progress in dealing with the problem - that's at least less of a bad thing to be hiding. If you can, tell the OH. If you still feel you can't, then focus on the fact you've started to deal with the problem - positive thinking really does help, I know.