Bereft and Broken

horseygirl2014

Afternoon Smolly,

Its amazing what a good nights sleep can do. I think I'd have been a bit of a scaredy cat tbh, but upping the dose is obviously having a positive effect. When my dose was doubled, i only saw positive effects, so don't be afraid to try the new dose when your ready. (and try not too think too much about it )

Well done on getting those letters sent off! I'm sure that'll feel like a huge relief, as you should start to feel more in control.

peaceandfreedom

Smolly wrote: »

The doc also quadrupled my anxiety meds :eek: These also help with my migraines but I've been a bit of a scaredy cat and just taken half this morning of what he suggested, until I see what effect it has on me. I haven't however woken up with the usual migraine which is something. Oh and he also told I am probably going through the change. :rotfl: Lovely.

Smolly - do you think your doctor is right about you being menopausal? I ask because I myself am going through this and it has involved a great deal of anxiety, low mood, generally feeling useless and all kinds of other horrible symptoms. My point being that your anxiety is potentially due to hormonal changes - low oestrogen levels in particular can cause anxiety, palpitations etc. If you think you might be peri-menopausal check out the website https://www.menopausematters.co.uk - it is brilliant, with so many ladies on there who can give kind and expert advice.

Of course, you clearly have other things causing you anxiety and stress so the menopause thing might be a red herring. I understand the stress caused by your debt as I myself have been through it. You can deal with that and come out the other side (and remember, it's only money), keep on following the excellent advice you are getting on here.

I also understand about your grief on the loss of your father - only time will heal this and you will always carry that sense of loss. Be kind to yourself and accept that you are still grieving.

Another thing I would suggest is looking into Mindfulness. This is sort-of like CBT and it's a way of looking at life differently I suppose, slowing down a bit and being more aware of what's happening around you. There is a an excellent free course on FutureLearn that is well worth a look:
https://www.futurelearn.com/courses/mindfulness-wellbeing-performance

I'm inclined to agree that you should aim to tell your husband about your debt but I am sure you have very good reasons for not doing so. Hugs on that one :grouphug:. Hugs on everything in fact - one thing the mindfulness course has taught me is that we are very hard on ourselves - much harder than we would be to a friend, say. We all need to learn more self-compassion. Try to treat yourself in the same kind way you would treat a best friend and when you talk to yourself, as we all do, speak in a kind empathic way rather than a harsh berating way .

On a more practical note - surveys - I consider that many of them are a massive waste of time and energy. Pinecone is great because you are rarely filtered out and they give a good reward for each survey. Many others are a lot of effort for little reward, there are better ways of making money.

Smolly

Good Evening Diary

I seem to have been absent for a little while but I'm ok - just plodding along with life and actually feeling like a ton of worry has been lifted off my shoulders just by posting those letters to my creditors. I can't believe the lightness I am feeling right now just by having done this. I haven't heard back from anyone mind and I suppose I may feel differently when I do. It's payday tomorrow and I am actually excited to be able to sit down in the morning and work out my new budget.

Horseygirl - thank you so much for your lovely post. I have taken the plunge and started to take the new recommended dose. And the world hasn't ended and I haven't collapsed with dire side effects. In fact I feel ok. Migraines seem to have disappeared and those pesky palpitations seem to be in order.

Peaceandfreedom - another lovely post thank you so much, and thank you for the lovely hugs! I have had a look at the Menopause website you recommended and I think I probably am at the peri stage - I could tick off every symptom! I thought it was just hot flushes you got but I can see now why I've probably been feeling so wretched recently. Oh the joys that this will go on!!!

I have also had a look at the course you recommended. Someone suggested mindfulness to me a few years ago but I never really looked into it properly. I have signed up for the course which starts in a few weeks, along with a course on depression. I can't believe the number of free courses that are available!

I think once I have my head sorted in relation to my finances and have some sort of repayment plan in operation that my creditors have accepted, and once I start to feel better in myself I may (not definite!) speak to my husband. There is so much I could say on this matter but I just can't right now - it's too difficult. Perhaps I need an assertiveness and how not to be a doormat course as well!:rotfl:

I have subscribed to your diary Peaceandfreedom and will spend a few nights catching up with it. Thank you again for all your advice xx

youknowthis123

Hi Smolly,

Just a quick post to say hang in there! Take a look at your first post, and your last and see how far you've already come. The advice and support on this site is truly amazing and makes you realise that people really care. It's helped me a lot. No hole is too big for us to climb out of.

Good luck and I look forward to following your journey.

YKT :j

ERICS_MUM

Dear Smolly,

Do you think your anti-depressants are helping you ? I struggled with mine and my GP was very good at trying different types, doses and combinations until we found the most effective. It took many months but was worth the effort.

As others have mentioned, please do not take any 'over the counter' remedies without checking first with your GP - many herbal treatments can cause problems if taken with certain types of anti-depressants.

I completely understand you going to bed when you just couldn't cope, it's something I did regularly when my depression was at its worst. Now though I force myself to get some exercise, something that I don't need to think about ! A walk, some gardening, even clearing out the cupboard under the sink can soothe me. Or I'll give myself a manicure, pedicure. Anything that I can do on "auto-pilot' but that stops me fretting over how I feel.

Once I found a few ways of alleviating my worst depressions I felt more in control of them. I still get them but now I know that I can manage them just enough to get by until they subside. I've also told all my family, close friends and good neighbours about my depression and they are very supportive. I don't feel I have to hide it from them now and this somehow makes me feel better about it. Could this be an option for you ?

Take care, don't give up !

EM xx

Thistle-down

Just wanted to add that I was in a similar place as you as far as not being able to keep up with the debt, selling things on eBay (things I wanted and sometimes things I needed) to try and keep the minimum payments up. My husband also did not know about any of it. I had kept it secret for five years and was hoping the I would somehow be able to repay it all without him ever finding out. There came a time when I had nothing left to sell and felt I had nowhere to turn.

I finally worked up the courage to tell him, and he took it so much better than I ever imagined. We also had joint debt but with my own debts added in, it doubled the total of what he thought we owed. He said that we were in it together and we'd get out of debt as a team. So much of my stress and worry fell away at that moment and knowing that he was willing to help me get out of the mess made me love him all the more. My only regret was not telling him sooner. I would recommend telling your husband if you feel able, it may help you feel much less alone.

Smolly

Some more lovely replies to cheer me up - thank you all - youknowthis, Erics Mum and Thistle-down.

Youknowthis - you are absolutely right in pointing out the difference between my first and more recent posts. I myself cannot believe how far I have actually come in such a short space of time (although to be fair I have today had quite a bad day) but generally the days are good and I am feeling so much better overall. Thank you for reminding me x

Eric's Mum - (love the name - I had a cat called Eric once!) I think my anti-depressant medications do work on the whole, but at the moment I am trying to adjust to the new anxiety medication dose. It's quite high and I have started to feel really really tired of late. I will be back at the GP soon enough though to check it out. I did have to go to bed this afternoon unfortunately - everything just got a little too much. I was having an awful time of it this morning but rather than just give up I did ring my brother for a chat about things and felt instantly better. I haven't done that before - I would have just shut the world out without a second thought. Writing on here also seems to help - I never thought it would. Sadly I can't talk to OH about it. He has a very dim view of mental health problems. A little similar to my Mum who started me off on the whole downer this morning. More of a pick yourself up and just get on with it attitude, only with OH his views are much more volatile and hurtful. I did recall your post this morning Erics Mum when I felt so rubbish and did think about cleaning the cupboard under the sink but I did that last time!!! So I did two hours' worth of ironing instead. Unfortunately it nearly finished me off but at least it got done. And although I had a two hour nanna nap I did feel better in myself afterwards (despite the OH's remarks that I was lazy and unfit). Oh well.
My friend is travelling over to visit tomorrow - she is a very good listener. I will make use of her.

Thistle-down - I have also tried several times to repay my debt and had all sorts of plans in motion to try and clear it before anyone found out. I may tell OH - or I may not. His views on mental health and my own health problems are not helpful to me, and unfortunately neither are his views on debt. Well done on finding the courage to tell your husband though and I am so pleased he was able to accept the situation. x

I do imagine however feeling a huge sense of relief if I did just tell everyone so it's something I will consider. I may write it all down first - then maybe post it out to everyone and disappear for a few days!:rotfl:

On a more positive note - I have had my first creditor response. And they didn't come charging down the door threatening to carry me off and all my wordly possessions!! In fact the letter from MBN@ was ok - not threatening in the slightest. They did however state that they wouldn't stop interest and charges until they had heard from Stepchange. I have drafted a reply back to state that Stepchange will in touch in due course but right now I have to get my car through the MOT (I need it for work, for hospital appointments for DS and to visit Mum who I care for since her accident and hence no payments for creditors). I have asked them to consider stopping interest and charges anyway as it won't help my financial situation and will only take longer to pay back.

Hope everyone is having a good Bank Holiday weekend xx

Thistle-down

I hope it all works out well for you, it's all so stressful! Just the fact that you are taking charge is such a positive step. :T

ERICS_MUM

Smolly, the ERIC in my user name is actually my cat ! I named him after after one of my favourite-ever (can't believe I've used that phrase !) musicians Eric Clapton.

I encountered a lot of apathy or dismissive comments from people during my first few years of my depression, even my Mum said it was a 'cop out' ! I don't think she realised how horrible it sounded and it didn't really upset me as she was 85 at the time, depression probably wasn't acknowledged by her generation.

Nowadays I don't care what anyone thinks. Friends, family and neighbours are lovely but they wouldn't, couldn't, have an in-depth with me about it. I find that there is quite a lot written on the subject on forums like this and it's enough for me now.

For a good few years I couldn't do much at all, housework, gardening, shopping etc. Nowadays I always have something to do but I can only ever manage to focus on one thing for a short time, an hour or so usually. I don't worry about this, I live alone and retired and so it doesn't affect or pee off anyone else.

I've toughened up, self preservation ! The depression is still there as an under-current. Sometimes it breaks through but now I know that it will run it's course and subside after a week or so, which reduces my despair somewhat.

Sorry to ramble on, this is the sort of conversation I don't have the opportunity for face-to-face !

EM x

skipton

hi Smolly,

You said you are carer for your mum.....have you thought about claiming carers allowance? It isn't a huge amount and it is taxed but it might help towards petrol costs if you are going daily cleaning,cooking, washing and shopping.

https://www.quotas.de/en/panelists/

Also I have posted a link to a German postal survey. You log letters received and send the trackers back within 3 days. You collect points towards Amazon vouchers or Paypal. They are very good and pay promptly at the begining of the month then you can order your vouchers payable a few days later. I joined 4 years ago and they sent exercise books in the post for first couple of months. Acceptance depends on the area you live in I think.

Good luck with your journey and once you are over the rainbow you will have your own pot of gold.