Bereft and Broken

Smolly

Just thought I would pop in and have a quick update. I've been away with Mum and DS for a mini break - paid mostly for by Mum thankfully. I was getting myself in a right tiz before going because I really didn't want to go. I was so worried about spending any money when I'm in this position, but the holiday had been booked for a while and it was a bit of an emotional trip so I didn't feel I could really back out. My Mum and Dad celebrated their 50th Anniversary shortly before Dad died. It was his wish that the whole family get together for one last holiday in their favourite place and we had an amazing couple of days away.

The holiday we just took was back to that place. I've been fine all week but now I'm crying as I still miss my Dad so very much. We laid some flowers for him in the grounds of the hotel and remembered all the things he loved to do there. I'm so glad I went now.

But I have come back more accepting of my dire financial situation and wanting desperately to get things moving. I'm going to set myself a few small challenges this week so get the ball rolling.

My new bank account is now set up so this week I want to:
Sort out my direct debits to the new account.
Write to all of my creditors offering a token payment until the DMP is set up with Stepchange.
List a few bits on 3Bay.
Continue with surveys.

I did quite well last night with surveys. I made £6 with Pinecone which I will keep in my account until Christmas. I finally got a £2 Populus survey after waiting weeks for one and now my balance is at £50 so it can be paid out. I spent an excruciating hour doing two iPoll surveys for the princely sum of £1. I think I will get to cash out with that one and maybe give it a miss in future.

During the week whilst away I also sold 3 of my 3Bay items. Organised me had taken them with me so I was able to post them and on my return I found I had received a £1 T3sco voucher in the post.

I'm off now to make a shopping list as we have very little food in the house - well that's what the OH says. I'm sure I could survive on what we have but we do need bread and milk at least. I have £24 available for the shop so I will report back. Xx

Smolly

Well I made it to Mr T's to do my shop but forgot the voucher I'd been sent. Think it's one of those days as I went out to hang washing earlier with an empty wash basket! My mind is in lots of different places right now, not necessarily the right ones!

Anyway my shopping came to £20.85 so I was pleased with that. However I felt decidedly ill whilst walking round and was glad to make it home.

I don't feel as if I've achieved very much today so far but I did do the shopping and 3 loads of washing done and dried so I suppose not all bad. Am hoping to find the motivation to list some 3Bay items later on and have a look at doing some surveys. Am hoping for a few more payouts.

horseygirl2014

I'm glad you got positive results from going on holiday. It's not easy to relax when you feel low, coupled with the pressure of feeling out of control of your finances.

Well done on the shopping spend! and the nice additional income from the surveys. Every Penny Counts.

There will always be some days when you feel like you haven't got much to show for the work you have done. this doesn't mean you haven't achieved anything! During my last major bout of depression, there were some days when my achievement was getting up, getting dressed, and making a cup of tea myself.
I'm rubbish at remembering stuff now too, (side effect of meds, as used to have great memory) I now right myself lists of jobs to do. if i think im having a bad day, there is less on the list. there is nothing more satisfying that crossing the jobs off once they are done. Especially the horrid jobs that we all try and put off.
Keep up the good work

nkkingston

OpinionOutpost has always worked well for me, and nectar canvass is handy for saving up points to put towards things like flatpack furniture from Argos. Look for ones that reward you even if you get filtered out. If you can get into a focus group you can make a lot more quickly; I've done Shelter and Red Bull groups in the last year and picked up about £100 in Amazon vouchers between them.

Smolly

Thank you horseygirl and nkkingston for popping by. When I first started posting I was embarrassed to check what people may have responded with, but now I look forward to replies!!

horseygirl I'm struggling with memory too and was going to ask my DR about it tomorrow - it's been noticed by Mum and brother lately, and if my brother has noticed it then it must be bad!

nkkingston I will have a look at OpinionOutpost - thank you for that. I've just spent a mind-numbing hour doing Mintvine surveys.

Anyway, I didn't get done on Sunday evening what I planned to do...but did it yesterday instead, so that's good. And today has been one hell of an emotional trip. I sort of confessed my situation to my brother - beginning to wish I hadn't. I felt like I was in a business meeting having an appraisal although I know he means well. He may help with a small longish (very longish) term loan just to help me through the next few weeks while I swop over my bank accounts. But then he may not, ha ha! I was a huge wreck after talking to him, especially when he said I hadn't dealt with things very well in the past! I guess that's why I keep things to myself then... xx

JustAboutThere

Smolly wrote: »

Anyway, I didn't get done on Sunday evening what I planned to do...but did it yesterday instead, so that's good. And today has been one hell of an emotional trip. I sort of confessed my situation to my brother - beginning to wish I hadn't. I felt like I was in a business meeting having an appraisal although I know he means well. He may help with a small longish (very longish) term loan just to help me through the next few weeks while I swop over my bank accounts. But then he may not, ha ha! I was a huge wreck after talking to him, especially when he said I hadn't dealt with things very well in the past! I guess that's why I keep things to myself then... xx

Oh, I so understand that bit about siblings throwing things back at you.

My Dad died 10 years ago and I really miss him still. Its been said it can take nine years to recover from the death of immediate family / someone close to you.

Just when I thought I was coming out the other side of the grief, my mother died. Add a job loss and sibling arguments into the mix and its not much fun.

My oldest sibling said in an email "you hang on to things" (arguments). Yeah, that's because I never get to have my say. So, I'm not permitted to bring up anything from the past - basically 'smile and pretend its OK'. Which I don't think is a very honest relationship.

Counsellors - it can take time to find one you're really comfortable with.

I found I hated CBT - it just wasn't for me.

Another counsellor said "I see" after everything I said. That's alot of "I see's" in a one hour appointment. I felt I was going to thump her before the end of the session, which isn't the best therapeutic feeling to be in

Next one's first question was "why was I there"? - despite me filling out an extensive questionnaire before I arrived - which really drained me emotionally, so having to dig it up again wasn't what I wanted. I said I was more comfortable with her asking questions, but she disagreed. Then proceeded a battle of wills with each of us just sitting there until 5 minutes before the end, when she then started asking me questions.

I did find a really lovely lady who is very non-judgemental and I can talk to. Pity she's private and costs an arm and a leg for an hour.

What I'm saying, is perhaps try another one - or two and see how you 'gel'. No-one is the same and what works for one person, won't work for another.

Baby steps and you'll get there.

It didn't get this way in one day and it will take longer than a day to solve it.

Be kind to yourself and best wishes.

MyLastFiver

Hiya,

Congratulations on the LBM.

Two observation from this thread:

1. It sounds like you are living constantly on edge of your nerves. It must be exhausting.

2. It must be exhausting keeping this from your husband. I think he deserves to know, and it could be a huge weight off your mind once you've told him.

Good luck

DD265

You sound like you're doing really well to me OP.

I just wanted to say that from what I've seen and experienced, once you start focusing on paying on debt even if you can only pay say £50 a month initially, you soon find ways and means to throw extra at it and before you know it, the debt free day is looming ever closer.

bettyboo71

I second what DD265 said. I think a big part of that is that, once you start dealing with the debts, and making realistic plans and arrangements, you will look very differently at your spending. Almost every story on here starts from practically the same point - the point where we've been juggling and hiding things for so long that it has become a way of life, and it is a hard habit to break. The first month that I had all my agreements in place and knew that there was enough money to pay everything and afford to live, I felt better than I had in years.

With regard to the therapy, every therapist is different. As well as using a variety of therapies, they are all different personalities, and sometimes we can take an instant dislike to someone for no conscious reason. It might be worth doing a wee bit of research into different therapies and counselling approaches, to see if any of them sounds particularly appealing. CBT has been the favoured approach for too long and it can't work for everyone. Possibly even consider alternative therapies - although most of them have no scientific proof, what they do offer is someone taking the time to listen, and that in itself can be a huge help.

I do still agree that your husband should know. But I am also well aware of how difficult it can be to tell something that you maybe should have told them a long time ago. Try writing down your thoughts and reasoning for not telling him, as well as the reasons why you need support to deal with it now. That should help you to get it into terms that will make sense to you both. Then you decide if you want to talk to him about it, or if you want to give him a written version, so that he can have time to digest it, re-read it, and think before he says anything. Only you can know whick way is likely to work best. And if you still feel that you just can't tell him, that is your decision to make.

And we are all here for you too :-)

Smolly

Good Morning

I've come on here to give a quick update and just seen all of these lovely messages of support!! You lot really are a lovely bunch and I so wish I had joined this site earlier. Perhaps I would be further down my road of recovery now but I'm here now and that's the main thing. JustAbout, MyLastFiver, DD265 and bettyboo - thank you all for your posts.

I went to my GP last night. I think he was tired and had had a long day bless him. I asked him about mental health groups and he promptly forgot and tried to wave me off but I did at least remember to ask him again before my own memory loss kicked in. He recommended a place where you just 'pop in' and see them. The last time I did this I saw some awful woman who decided that the problem I had chosen to discuss with her wasn't suitable for her! And off I was sent. I am going to give it another go though. When I have a day to myself without DS, I will take myself off to town and 'pop in'. The GP seemed to think that they had discussion groups as well as counsellors. I will take all that they can offer. I also remembered last night where our MIND charity is as I used to work as a personal assistant for someone with learning difficulties and I had to collect her from there after she had a weekly meeting. I don't know whether you need to be referred to them but I will ring them today and report back.

The doc also quadrupled my anxiety meds :eek: These also help with my migraines but I've been a bit of a scaredy cat and just taken half this morning of what he suggested, until I see what effect it has on me. I haven't however woken up with the usual migraine which is something. Oh and he also told I am probably going through the change. :rotfl: Lovely.

BUT...I did post my letters to creditors, and paid them all their first £1 token payment. So now I watch the letter box.
And I actually got a nearly decent sleep last night of about 4 hours which is a first in many days. It was lovely.

Today then I will concentrate on ringing MIND and doing some 3Bay to try and earn a bit extra.

Hope you all have a lovely day xx