Bereft and Broken

Smolly

Hi Em, please ramble on as much as you like! I know what's it like. I start typing something on here and then by the time I've finished realised I've written an essay. I'm finding it so therapeutic. I have a friend up this weekend and fortunately for me she understands depression, although funnily enough it's been the last thing we've spoken about! xx

Smolly

Hi Skipton

Thank you for popping by. I'm not sure I could claim Carer's for my Mum, because I think you have to care for someone for about 35 hours a week? Although in hindsight it feels like I spend that much time with her although it's split over a few days each week and not every day. I will look into it thank you. And thank you also for the link to the German postal survey. I'm always up for anything like this and I have registered already. I will wait and see.... And I will get over that rainbow!!! Just watch me!

Back to my Mum - Grrrrr! She has made my blood boil this weekend, bless her. She lives quite a distance from me. It's a two hour round trip but I still visit regularly, especially since Dad died and even more so since she had her accident. It's draining at the best of times. My poor brother has a 4 hour round trip and visits 3 times a fortnight. All of her neighbours constantly tell her how lucky she is to have children who visit so regularly, but is she happy? Not this weekend.

It isn't my brother's turn to visit this weekend, and when he doesn't I always make sure I visit if I can. It takes a lot of organising because as well as DS I also have two step children, and finding time for a family at weekends is very difficult. Especially when OH also visits his mum at weekends and spends a good portion of the weekend doing HIS OWN THINGS :rotfl:

Anyway this weekend I couldn't visit. It's my last weekend off before I return to work and I had quite a few things I needed to catch up on. A friend of mine is also visiting today and tomorrow and I haven't seen her in over a year. I spent the day with Mum on Thursday - all day, and told her then I may not be able to visit this weekend. 'Oh I'm sure I'll cope' she said with a forced smile. I mentioned it again Friday evening, and then Saturday morning. 'I see' she said, promptly ended the call and put the phone down. She really upset me by doing this, and this led to my prompt sinking into depression yesterday. I rang her eventually with the aim of telling her how upset she was making me feel as I would have visited if I hadn't had guests. She didn't try to make me feel better however just told me she was DISAPPOINTED. Again she ended the call immediately and put the phone down.

Is she any calmer and more rational today? No, she is not. Her first words to me this morning on the phone were -' I have another fun day to myself today.' I am starting to get angry with her now. As well as the visits to her I must speak to her everyday on the phone about 3 or 4 times. I really think she is being quite selfish and stubborn over this. She has known about my friend visiting for 3 weeks now. Unless it something else that's bothering her that I'm not aware of, but I know from experience if I confront her about it she will.....end the call and put the phone down.:mad:

Never mind. Only another 26 hours before my brother is with her. I will take it on the chin until then and no doubt she will start to cheer up. A saying between myself and my brother is 'If it's not one thing it's your mother!' How true.

Anyway, my friend and I are getting back together again shortly (she is having to stay at the local hotel as we just don't have room). So I will leave it here for now. xx

skipton

Hope you had a lovely evening.

I love this version https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1bFr2SWP1I

Sing it when your mum puts the phone down on you.

Smolly

That's brilliant thank you Skipton - it was lovely!! And yes friend and I had a lovely evening thank you. For once we didn't chat about dull things - I laughed a lot and it was wonderful. I get to see her again today as well.

ERICS_MUM

Are there any day clubs, church coffee mornings etc that your Mum could go to, to occupy her days ? My Mum lived in a flat in a retirement complex and joined all sorts - exercise class for 80+ (!!), scrabble hour, cards hour, bingo, coffee mornings etc. She thoroughly enjoyed herself but she made a real effort to get involved and make friends. She only gave them up when she turned 90 and didn't feel well enough.

On the other hand, my sister's MIL is in her 80's now but has been very 'needy' for many years, and wearing on my sister who spends time helping her (MIL's daughter and daughter in law had more than enough and lost touch with her years ago).

Some people are very draining and nothing can be done to change them. All you and your brother can do is take comfort from looking after her so well despite her attitude. Don't make the mistake of doing more and more in the hope that she will appreciate you more - she won't and you will resent her and make yourself ill with all the nonsense.

Smolly

Thank you EM, I really appreciate it. Unfortunately Mum is not a 'people' person - after her accident someone came to visit her to try and get her to join up to various things, but she couldn't wait for him to leave. Sadly she is only interested in me and my brother coming to visit. A neighbour checks on her twice a day and she hates it, but I'm glad he does. I will just have to roll with it.

There was a definite improvement in her tone of voice last night when my brother had turned up. Sadly she has reverted back to being miserable but there is nothing I can do. I just don't understand it - it seems to have come on so suddenly. Anyway on to other things...

I saw my friend again yesterday. It was so lovely to spend the day with her and she was so generous. She paid for my lunch and coffees and brought gifts too, one of which was a membership to a hotel club. She has been a member for years and gets discounted holidays throughout the year for a selection of hotels across the country. Sadly my finances at present won't stretch to holidays but the membership is for life so not all is lost, and I was really touched by her generosity. Perhaps I can save a few pennies each week towards it.

I have the day to myself now as OH and DS have gone to the seaside together. I have the dreaded MOT later today so that may put paid to my budget, but until then I am going to try and get a few letters off to see if I am eligible for any PPI. I have never bothered before now but my friend has encouraged me to do it as she recently got a cheque for over £7000, and said all it took was one letter and two phonecalls. I don't expect anything but I need to try.

Hope everyone is enjoying the weather. It's lovely here today xx

Smolly

Yay!!! Car passed!!

Smolly

Well all I can say is - what a cr*p day! I thought I was doing well. I still have only heard from one creditor but have been feeling so much better overall about the debt. I've been able to sleep at night (eventually) and life has overall seemed a little better.

Last week was pants though with Mum playing up. I lack self-confidence, have low self-esteem and over think everything. I went to see her today. I was a little miffed as it was my last day off before going back to work and I would rather have spent it with DS and off out for the day, but little meek me thought better of letting Mum down. What happened instead? OH started playing up, and I hit a massive downward spiral.

I made an important realisation. My debt is not the main cause of my depression - it's the people around me - the people who are close to me. Mum was stubborn and selfish last week because I only visited her once, and today OH was vile to me as I will be visiting Mum twice! There is no pleasing anyone!! He told me I had a problem for visiting her twice in one week, and speaking to her on the phone everyday. He told me I had to stop! I rang him to ask him why he thought it was ok to tell me how often I could see my Mum and he put the phone down on me! Why do people do that! Mum did it twice last week and him today. I'm starting to think there must be something wrong with me for those closest to me to seemingly enjoy hurting me.

Yes I'm having a bad day. Sure I'll bounce back tomorrow when I'm back at work and among normal people!! Ha ha - I wish!! xx

ERICS_MUM

Dear Smolly,

I don't think this will come easily to you but you need to take control of the situation with Mum and hubby. It's not you at fault, They seem to be vying for your time and you are piggy in the middle. There might be some sort of rivalry between them ?

Decide how often you WANT to visit/phone your Mum and tell her this is how it will be. Reassure her that you would always be available in an emergency.

Then tell your DH that this is how it's going to be. Tell them both that you are dividing your time between each of them as fairly as possible whilst allowing yourself some time. They must see this is fair. Then establish a regular routine with your Mum so you know when you are free to do your own thing or spend time with DH. Discuss with your brother so you can put on a united front - he seems like a good, sensible person as do you. If you can succeed with this it will restore some of your self confidence and belief in your own worth.

Good luck.

Smolly

Thank you EM for your kind words. I feel so much better this morning thankfully. You are right - I need more time for me and I do need to establish some ground rules for everyone else. I am going to reduce the time I spend with Mum. I am thinking along the lines of doing something similar to my brother - he does a midweek day every week, and then alternate weekends. I could do the other weekend that he doesn't plus a different day in the week, and if OH wants to have a moan about it then he'll have to, as I don't have any other sort of social life - unlike him.

And I need to remember why I am here - I joined this site to gain support for getting down my debt and that it what I need to concentrate on. xx