Bereft and Broken

Smolly

Thanks folks - I am hobbling along and thankfully feeling a little more human today.

I could not fathom out at first how I sunk so deep so fast. Monday was amazing. I didn't do anything OTT just got on with stuff and I felt normal. In fact I felt a little guilty to be honest that I was off work sick and feeling ok. Then I just crashed on Tuesday. It was a gradual process. I tried to keep going but was really struggling. By yesterday I felt completely burnt out with no energy and no willpower to do anything. In fact I can honestly say I was really down - I hadn't felt that feeling of depression for a long time. Yes I've felt low but the anxiety has been more of a concern of late. This time I really could feel the fog of depression around me, suffocating me and I hadn't even the willpower to switch the TV on or even make a cup of tea. I was numb and desperate.

I was taking my anti anxiety tablet yesterday - feeling a bit messed up about them as the doc has been upping and then downing my dose so I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I was in a very confused and irrational state but I did notice something....I hadn't been taken my anti-depressants! Now I have bad memory loss at the moment but that is ridiculous. I couldn't remember the last time I had taken them. I have been so caught up with the anxiety issues that I had completely forgotten to renew my prescription and take my tablets. So the dramatic decline over the last few days was completely understandable and thankfully I managed to sort it before things got even worse. I've only been taking them a couple of days now and I'm still not 100% but I think I will be ok. It was a frightening experience though.

So that is where I'm at. I managed a little walk this morning and I'm off in a minute to put the kettle on. I may or may not face the mountain of ironing that has been scoffing at me all week. I have however become quite adept at the 'hand iron'. A quick smooth of the clothes, fold and put away before I have time to think what I'm doing. I've been doing this more and more lately especially with mine and the OH's clothes. He will never notice the difference as his drawers are always a mess and it's a waste of time me ironing anything for him anyway.

It's MacMillan Coffee Afternoon at DS's school this afternoon. He's really looking forward to seeing me there so I shall shake myself and go for the half hour they've allotted us, and see how many cakes DS can get through in that time! He always brings a little friend along with him on occasions like this. His friend's parents never turn up for events. I know they don't work and I know they have a very limited income, however I really wish they would turn up and support this little lad a bit more. You only have to hear how they shout at him on the walk to and from school to know he doesn't have it easy. He always comes up to me in assembly when I'm invited and gives me a hug. He's about half the size of DS bless him.

Whilst I'm here I'll catch up on other news - Halifax have been in touch. Somewhere in the fog of the last few days I managed to take a call from them and am set up on a zero payment plan for a few months, just like the others. Only Tesco and NatWest to go now.

My new bank account paid me the £150 for switching so I have some money now for DS's birthday presents and party (not a formal party - only managing a little get together with a few of his friends).

I am seeing Mum tomorrow. She has been in a creative sewing mood of late and has been making me a few lovely gifts to give my work mates at Christmas. I can't believe how many Christmas presents I've acquired already and I haven't spent much at all! I saved this past year with a big hamper company - I only saved vouchers but I won't be doing it next year as I can't afford it at all. In fact in all honesty I couldn't afford it this year but I somehow managed to make the payments. I can't remember how much I will have coming but I can use them for food too.

Anyway I shall leave it at that. I'm quite impressed with myself. I probably need to lie down now.

Thank you again everyone who has shown support. Lesson learned here is not to forget to take your medication!

Hope everyone is ok xx

JustAboutThere

Good to hear from you - and sounding much better than your previous post.

As scary as the downturn was, at least you have the reason for it.

Ironing - heard of it. Do it about . . . once a year, if pushed. If anyone's noticed, they've not said anything to me.

Enjoy the MacMillan Coffee Afternoon.

Take care.

ERICS_MUM

I'm pleased to see you back in action ! Another thing you've got to be proud of is your relationship with your son - contrast with his friend. How sad for that little lad.

When I retired I stopped buying anything that needed ironing. I've got a couple of cotton summer blouses that are a pig to iron so I wear them as a last resort. I've never been good at ironing. My brother lived with me for 2 years while he went through the divorce from hell and he ironed his shirts to perfection. I didn't take up his offer to teach me though !

Hope you all have a peaceful weekend.

EM x

Thistle-down

I'm so glad you were able to figure out what was wrong - it's so worrying when you get down and can't see a way back out.

I hope your afternoon went well and you enjoy tomorrow's visit with your mother!

chevalier

well done on sorting out your creditors despite being so down. That is really impressive.
Boo hiss about not taking your meds, what about putting a daily reminder in your phone to give you a nudge to take them?
Well done on getting your OH to put his hand in his pocket more often. Is it worth mentioning to him, that he needs to do more of this now you are only working one job as you can't afford as much as before (should be obvious). would give you more for debt busting
good luck
chev

Thistle-down

How are you doing today, Smolly?

Smolly

Hi Thistle
Thank you for popping in, and thank you too to JustAbout, EM and Chevalier - it's lovely when people are there with messages of support. I'm still getting used to it!

I'm doing ok - Eeekk just remembered my last post (dashes off to take pills)....

Am back - seriously what is wrong with me? Why on earth am I so forgetful these days? I recall clearly now that DS asked me this morning for pancakes for his breakfast and I immediately gave him cereal. The best thing about it was he didn't bat an eyelid or question me. Perhaps we're as daft as each other.:rotfl: I am definitely going to put several alarms on my phone though for the pills now. Thank you Chevalier for recommending that. I did originally read your post and thought that was a good idea....but then promptly forgot! I do hope it is only the stress and the pills etc and not something worse like early dementia. I just caught up with Casualty from Saturday and there was a woman on there with it.

I went for my first counselling session today. Not much to report on it really and have not come away with anything useful but I see her again in two weeks. She did mention a couple of local places which help with people in controlling relationships so that may be something to consider when I finish here (in less than 6 weeks the counsellor advised me!). When I needed counselling in my 20's it just went on and on until I didn't need it anymore. And the woman didn't spend her time with me constantly looking at her watch either. She was brilliant and very pro-active and helped me with so much.

I think another problem I've been facing which isn't helping me is worrying about being off work and trying to get loads of stuff done to compensate for it. I feel guilty about being off but I work in a school environment and just can't afford to be having panic attacks while I'm there. I don't want to put myself back in there until I know I can handle it. Having said that I am off work for a reason so it's not unreasonable to rest, but I've been writing lots of silly lists of things I feel I must do and it's sending me crazy. I just get so worked up about it and fail before I even start.

So what I've done is got some post-it size pieces of paper and on each piece written down one thing that needs sorting - not today, not tomorrow either but maybe within the next month, but which does need doing.

The really urgent bits I've written on another piece of paper to keep on my desk, and I've tried to keep it to just the really urgent stuff.

I've folded up all the other pieces of paper and put them in a jar. Amongst all these pieces of paper I've put some others in (a different colour to the rest) and on each one written something nice to do - such as a walk to the library, watch a DVD, read a book. Then each day, or as often as I feel I can manage I will pick one piece of paper out of the jar and just work on getting that one thing done. If it's a bad day then I will ignore all the 'to do' pieces of paper and pick out a nice one. It shouldn't cost me anything and should just allow me time to get my head together.

Will report back on whether it is working or not! If I start to see the jar overflowing with 'to do' lists I may have to give it up and think of an alternative!

Other news - Mum annoyed me a little this morning (why is that not a surprise). Gave her a gift at the weekend. OK so it was something I had managed to get cheap in exchange for reviewing the item on Am@zon but I only requested it because I thought it would help her (it's a medical aid). She was really enthused about it when I gave it her, and has started using it, but then rang me this morning to say she doesn't need it and perhaps I could sell it! In her head she thinks she's helping me by giving it back to sell as I obviously can't return it, but I think I'm more annoyed with myself really for even thinking about giving her the gift in the first place. I know this is what she's like - if she doesn't like something she will tell you so, and OH is the same. I once bought him something for his birthday - I think it was some sort of multi-tool. He did already have one but I thought it was broken or damaged or something and I knew he used it regularly. He just opened it, said why on earth had I bought it? And told me he didn't want it. So I returned it and he got nothing. Now I just give cash - it's easier. But this whole thing about people turning down gifts I buy just makes me feel a little bit more worthless when I'm feeling low. I swear this year people will just get gift vouchers - well the Mother and OH anyway! Sorry for the ramble. Should have been more MSE and kept my money in my pocket.

No debt busting news to report other than I have finally been able to pick up the doctor's letter which I need to send to the creditors. The doctor told me he would charge me about £10-£15 for the letter, and when I rang reception last week to find out it still hadn't been done I told the receptionist it was ironic I had to pay so much when I needed the letter to confirm my inability to pay my debts due to health reasons! Anyway I wonder if she conveyed my message to the Doc as there was no charge when I collected the letter....:o

I will leave it at that, and maybe go and pick a 'to do' out of my jar. Or maybe I'll just not bother. Tomorrow is another day. Hope everyone is well xx

ERICS_MUM

No wonder you are ill, having to cope with all that nonsense from your Mum and OH. They themselves might benefit from counselling. Sorry if this sounds harsh, there's not much you can do to change them. You can try to change the way you deal with them.

A French playwright wrote a piece called 'Hell Is Other People' and I think he had a point ! Edited - see below !

Have we discussed Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) on here ? Sorry can't remember. Anyway it did me the world of good over an 8 week course even though it was so hard to get through.

With your counsellor, I wouldn't be able to keep quiet if she kept looking at her watch ! Could you ask her to take it off because she's making you nervous ?

Take care !

EM x

Edit: it was actually Jean Paul Sartre !

JustAboutThere

I love your idea with the post-it pieces of paper - might have to borrow that one myself (if you don't mind).

As for the counsellor looking at their watch - I had one do that to me during a session. Nowhere near the end of our time either. In the end I just went "am I keeping you from something"? That stopped her, and gave me an evil sense of satisfaction. But I can be a c0w like that at times

Good to hear that the Dr's didn't charge for your letter either. That's another task you can tick of the 'to do' list.

All the best.

Thistle-down

A common symptom of depression and stress is forgetfulness, so it's not really any surprise that you are having trouble with your memory. My mom is having it too but is convinced it's Alzheimers, even when the Dr tells her it's not!

I hope your new counsellor is helpful. It seems strange that you can only see her for 6 weeks, I can't imagine you'd have built up much of a rapport with her let alone solve any issues in that time! Still, what do I know

Brilliant news about the letter charge - I hope they do the same for other people in similar situations.

Boo to your mom and husband. They should at least have some tact about the presents, especially when you put thought into them. That must be hurtful. On my last birthday, my in-laws and family (4 of them) clubbed together to give me one bottle of Alberto Balsam shampoo, the kind you get at the pound store for exactly £1. My DH and I laughed - it was just such an odd thing. Usually it's a gift basket or gift card, so the downsizing was a bit unusual. Their circumstances haven't changed, and they were as generous as usual with my DH, DD and DS's bday presents. Not that I didn't appreciate it, but I still wonder if they were trying to send me some kind of message and am looking forward to my Xmas present... :eek: :rotfl::rotfl: