Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay less towards a wedding gift?

Former_MSE_Nick · 27 July 2015 at 3:49PM

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I’m going with a group of people to another friend's wedding. It was decided that we should pool together and buy a big gift. However everyone is putting in £50 and I can’t afford that. Should I be part of the big gift but put in less money, or just get something on my own?

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tara747 · 28 July 2015 at 3:21PM

£50 each sounds like a lot! How many of you are there in the group??

hieveryone · 28 July 2015 at 3:25PM

How close / long term a friend is it?

Is it an all-day invite or evening?

What are you thinking of buying - is it something from a list or that you definitely know they will like?

Pixie5740 · 28 July 2015 at 3:32PM

I'd just say to your friends that £50 is too much for you. If I was going to a wedding with a group of friends and one said that £50 but they could afford £30 then I would be fine with that. (Providing you're not driving around a Ferrari and pleading poverty that is

)

Slightly off-topic but a colleague of mine is just back from a wedding in Cancun, Mexico. It was his partner's nephew's wedding. The guests that attended used up about a week of annual leave and the flights and hotel costs a good whack. The happy couple announced that they didn't want wedding presents but did want money and had even opened up a special bank account for the guests to pay money into. :eek: Many guest felt the correct response was Foxtrot Oscar.

hieveryone · 28 July 2015 at 3:38PM

Whether a wedding is in this country or abroad, I find asking for money (or even gifts) extremely rude. But that's just me!

System · 28 July 2015 at 3:45PM

Some of the wedding gifts we got were shocking. Someone bought us a bird bath :eek:

maman · 28 July 2015 at 3:46PM

Pixie5740 wrote: »

I'd just say to your friends that £50 is too much for you. If I was going to a wedding with a group of friends and one said that £50 but they could afford £30 then I would be fine with that. (Providing you're not driving around a Ferrari and pleading poverty that is )

Slightly off-topic but a colleague of mine is just back from a wedding in Cancun, Mexico. It was his partner's nephew's wedding. The guests that attended used up about a week of annual leave and the flights and hotel costs a good whack. The happy couple announced that they didn't want wedding presents but did want money and had even opened up a special bank account for the guests to pay money into. :eek: Many guest felt the correct response was Foxtrot Oscar.

I'd agree that there shouldn't be a problem contributing less than the £50. Shame the person concerned didn't speak up when the figure was agreed as I'm sure the consensus would have been 'give what you can'.

I don't know if this makes sense but while I don't mind giving money or vouchers as a wedding gift I don't like the recent custom of asking for it. I suppose it's because so many people have got homes set up these days that they don't need tea towels and toasters any more! Personally I like to give vouchers for a decent store like John Lewis so people can treat themselves to quality items if they don't have a wedding list.

So that's my view on giving money but I wouldn't set it against paying for a holiday in Mexico. IMO if you're invited to a wedding, you weigh up the expense of going whether that's flights, hotels, outfits or whatever and if you can't afford it then don't go. Of course that does beg the question of whether the happy couple should plan a wedding that's madly expensive if they know they have relatives who can't really afford it.....

Pixie5740 · 28 July 2015 at 3:56PM

maman wrote: »

So that's my view on giving money but I wouldn't set it against paying for a holiday in Mexico. IMO if you're invited to a wedding, you weigh up the expense of going whether that's flights, hotels, outfits or whatever and if you can't afford it then don't go. Of course that does beg the question of whether the happy couple should plan a wedding that's madly expensive if they know they have relatives who can't really afford it.....

I think it's just that some of the guests felt that asking for, and expecting money on top of what had already been spent on attending such an expensive wedding was a bit much.

It reminds me of a friend who was a best man for someone. The groom wanted a stag do in Las Vegas but none of his closest friends could afford it so he went on his stag without his best man. Some people seem to go OTT with their wedding forgetting that whilst they might have lots of money, or be happy to get in debt for the next 5 years, not all their nearest and dearest can afford it or are prepared to do the same.

I'm going off on a tangent though.

OP just tell your friends £50 is too much. You might find some others in the group would be relieved to reduce the amount.

hieveryone · 28 July 2015 at 4:31PM

maman wrote: »

I don't know if this makes sense but while I don't mind giving money or vouchers as a wedding gift I don't like the recent custom of asking for it. I suppose it's because so many people have got homes set up these days that they don't need tea towels and toasters any more! Personally I like to give vouchers for a decent store like John Lewis so people can treat themselves to quality items if they don't have a wedding list.

Me neither! I hate hate hate all the 'poems' about how they've lived together for years and blah blah blah.

The majority of people you are inviting to your wedding will already know you have lived together for years and so will be highly unlikely (in my social group anyway) to get gifts such as toasters etc etc and would more than likely give money anyway, or gift vouchers for the usual places like Next, John Lewis etc.

Sure, there will be some nightmare gifts from the 'traditionals', but take these with grace and dignity, thank them profusely, and discreetly palm them off to charity/others in a years time. :rotfl:

Edited to add: Even worse than the poems of late - is the introduction of bank account/Paypal details!!

it just beggars belief!

swingaloo · 28 July 2015 at 4:51PM

Im getting married very soon and as we have lived together I enclosed a note with the invitations saying that we didn't want people to buy us gifts, we were just happy that they would spend the day with us.

Ive been inundated with 'We must get you something', 'If you don't tell us what you want we will probably get you something you don't really want', 'We are buying you something anyway' etc.

Even though I have replied to the comments and messages that we really don't need anything or want anyone to spend money on us it is falling on deaf ears.

It seems whichever way you choose is awkward, now Im worried that anyone who has taken us at our word that we do not expect gifts will be embarrassed if they see others have bought for us.

silvercar · 28 July 2015 at 4:52PM

When I get together with my friends to buy a gift, we all agree on an amount. Either you are in or you are out. Often people from the same crowd opt out for any number of reasons:

they feel closer to the person and want to spend more;

they want to spend less;

their children are also invited, so want to spend more or get a family present

they are not actually going to attend so will spend less.

My crowd, don't have an option to join in with the group present but spend a different amount.

Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay less towards a wedding gift?

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