Spill the beans... on grown-ups whose parents support them

zigzigzag · 26 July 2012 at 11:05AM

Am I, and my partner, the only 'children' whose parents have never offered anything?

My husband and I eloped when it was clear that we couldn't afford to put on a whole wedding ourselves and neither of our parents had made any offer to help; we saved (on very low incomes) for our own deposit on a flat, bought all our own furnishings etc; paid off our own student loans; we have never owned a car because we can't afford it; we've been through some very tough times (eg 4 redundancies), but never had any offer of assistance from either my parents or my partner's parents (not even £20 for basic groceries when we were facing repossession of our flat during one of the redundancies).

In a way it has been good for us - having to be totally self-sufficient has made us who we are, forced us to be careful with money, and able to stand on our own two feet.

But on the other hand, I see all of my friends being given thousands of pounds for student loans, weddings, house/flat deposits (one friend received £40k!), cars, furniture, holidays, new baby things, random gifts of £10k etc, and I wonder why our parents are so different to everyone else's - I feel like they don't care about us, basically. Especially as my parents do regularly give money to my two brothers, pay their student loans, pay for random things like moving vans, substantial contributions to one's wedding etc. Either they care more about my brothers, or see them as more 'in need', I don't know. They do appear more in-need because they choose to live beyond their means and have more expensive tastes, and are therefore always running out of money, whereas I live more frugally so most of the time I don't seem to be in trouble.

I would just like to say to all parents (and I aim to do this with my children) is that it is important, I think, to be fair to all your children and treat them equally. I don't want to spoil my kids rotten, I think it's important to learn to work hard and be self-sufficient - but I will definitely be more generous than my and my partner's parents, especially for milestones such as buying a house, having a child and facing times of financial trouble.

SingleSue · 26 July 2012 at 11:26AM

Just to be clear, I am not GIVEN the money, it is purely on a loan basis with the expectation it will be paid back over the next few weeks.

The majority covers bills for my car and because I act as back up carer for my dad, my parents prefer for me to keep the car on the road so I can get there quickly during an emergency.

I couldn't just take the money and not pay back (unlike my brother), I may allow dad to pay for a meal or something for us when out but anymore, no way.

Out of all the children, I was the one who was most self sufficient, I paid for all my own driving lessons, my own car, kitted out my first flat without help etc. Both my brother and sister had their lessons paid for, help in buying their first car, insurance and furniture/TV licences, removal vans etc purchased in their first homes (or in my sister's case, subsequent homes too!)

It seemed a little unfair at the time but as time has gone on, it has equalled out pretty well.

j.e.j. · 26 July 2012 at 11:35AM

zigzigzag wrote: »

Am I, and my partner, the only 'children' whose parents have never offered anything?

My husband and I eloped when it was clear that we couldn't afford to put on a wedding ourselves and neither of our parents had made any offer to help; we saved (on very low incomes) for our own deposit on a flat, bought all our own furnishings etc; paid off our own student loans; we have never owned a car because we can't afford it; we've been through some very tough times (eg 4 redundancies), but never had any offer of assistance from either my parents or my partner's parents (not even £20 for basic groceries when we were facing repossession of our flat during one of the redundancies).

In a way it has been good for us - having to be totally self-sufficient has made us who we are, forced us to be careful with money, and able to stand on our own two feet.

But on the other hand, I see all of my friends being given thousands of pounds for student loans, weddings, house/flat deposits (one friend received £40k!), cars, furniture, holidays, new baby things, random gifts of £10k etc, and I wonder why our parents are so different to everyone else's - I feel like they don't care about us, basically. Especially as my parents do regularly give money to my two brothers, pay their student loans, pay for random things like moving vans etc. Either they care more about my brothers, or see them as more 'in need', I don't know. They do appear more in-need because they choose to live beyond their means and have more expensive tastes, and are therefore always running out of money, whereas I live more frugally so most of the time I don't seem to be in trouble.

I can relate to this. Once I'd left home and gone to uni I never went to the bank of mum and dad, as 1) I'd be too embarrassed to, and 2) I'm not sure it had much money in it anyway :rotfl:

I think my parents have supported my siblings though, eg given money for a wedding, allowed one of them to live at home to save on London rents, etc.

I don't know how to say it without it sounding a bit tired or clichee-d but I truly think that the best 'gift' parents can pass on to their children is not their money, it's the mindset and ability to look after money and generate some of their own..

jaxjax123 · 26 July 2012 at 11:39AM

We ask for nothing. My mother is not in a position to provide for us and my dad is more comfortable but I'd rather not ask. I like to save for our holidays and luxuries and try to save money where possible to make our money go further.

My cousin on the other hand has her mortgage, insurances and holidays paid for. And most times groceries too.

This has lead to my cousin being very bad with money. She re-mortgaged her house then split up with her husband leaving them in quite a high negative equity situation. This has lead to her mum selling the house she grew up in to put the funds in to get the house out of negative equity. So now she is renting and still paying for her daughters mortgage too. It is a sad situation especially as the mother earns less that half of the daughter.

We are always saying at 28 she should stand on her own 2 feet but her mother just wont allow it.

Person_one · 26 July 2012 at 11:43AM

My parents helped me through uni, I still had to work part time but I'd never have managed without their help. Then they gave me a sum towards a house deposit (not the full deposit) that had been sitting in a savings bond for 20 years waiting for me to either get married or buy a house, whichever came first! They also let me live at home paying minimal rent when I was made redundant a few years ago.

I don't turn down gifts from them or feel embarrassed, why would I? We're a family, we help each other out in whatever ways we can, not just money. My parents received a lot of help from my grandparents when they were young adults starting out too and should any of my family ever fall on hard times and I am in a position to help I shall do so without expecting them to pay me back or feel ashamed of accepting my help.

*Louise* · 26 July 2012 at 1:00PM

zigzigzag wrote: »

I would just like to say to all parents (and I aim to do this with my children) is that it is important, I think, to be fair to all your children and treat them equally. I don't want to spoil my kids rotten, I think it's important to learn to work hard and be self-sufficient - but I will definitely be more generous than my and my partner's parents, especially for milestones such as buying a house, having a child and facing times of financial trouble.

I think you are right there - financially my mum always tries to treat us the same, recently she helped out my three siblings with some bills and I got a surprise one day to find an extra £1000 in my bank account - she said it was easier to even us all up than try and get any money back :rotfl:

I have three children myself, and only two of them have the government trust funds for when they turn 18, so we are putting a little extra in DS1's savings account every month so he should end up with the same as them.

I think trying to treat all your children the same (hopefully) leads to less resentment later on in life.

laydeeqt · 26 July 2012 at 2:05PM

It seems i am the only one on this forum who's parents actually have no money - my parents are in debt and rent a house far too expensive for them at 800 a month. but they cant move as they cant get money together for a new deposit on another place to rent. at 26, i am supporting my parents financally at times. I have spent £300 before bailing them out when the bailffs came over. I give them about £50 every few months or so, as their wages combined equate to my wage. So i would NEVER EVER ask for money from them. I think anyone who relies on their parents like this lack independece, so although it's not a great situation for me or my parents to be in, at least i know i am supporting myself by myself, whilst doing all i can to help them too . I'd be interested if anyone else had these problems?

amycool · 26 July 2012 at 2:57PM

My Mum works very hard, earns very little but is very frugal and somehow saves a lot of money. I've inherited that from her but I'm a bit more savvy so over the years I've saved her a lot of money by helping her to move her money into high interest accounts and get the best deals. We also look after her garden/house and take her shopping when she asks. I suppose because she trusts me with her money we agreed that my partner and I would borrow some money towards our first house and that we'd pay it back over 5 years, plus interest. It was pretty much everything she had so very scary but we've already overpaid and the fear has gone!

Apart from that, my OHs parents paid for the wedding buffet and my Mum paid a few hundred towards the venue for our wedding. We didn't ask for either and I wanted a small wedding but they insisted.

My OHs parents are very wealthy (compared to my family at least!) but of the generation that would see discussing money as vulgar so they occasionally buy us gifts rather than give us money, e.g. paying for groceries when we first moved out to stock up the cupboards. They let us live with them rent-free whilst we saved too. I'm sure if we asked they would lend us money but I'd feel indebted to them, which I wouldn't like.

I hope when I am a parent that I will be in a position to help my kids out. I think there's a big difference between helping somebody in trouble through no fault of their own or topping up a deposit that somebody has carefully saved and bailing somebody out time and time again through carelessness or spoiling a child.

byjimini · 26 July 2012 at 3:04PM

In my house it's the other way round. I still live at home as I refuse point blank to rent and throw my money away. Parent's health is slowly catching up with them, so had to pretty much drag them to the benefit office.

Then I found they've decent-sized debts.

So we managed to cut things back, I'd lend them money for when the credit cards needed paying before the benefits came in, which I'd be given back.

Then the government decided to review everyone on benefits, and stopped their payments.

So I was paying extra rent each month just to keep them in the black, now they owe me a couple of thousand. Thankfully Mr Cameron decided they were legitimate claimants and so we're back on our feet again.

Just got to sell the house and downsize to pay off the debts, so if the politicians could stop dicking around with the housing market, that would lovely.

</rant>

*Louise* · 26 July 2012 at 3:29PM

laydeeqt wrote: »

It seems i am the only one on this forum who's parents actually have no money - my parents are in debt and rent a house far too expensive for them at 800 a month. but they cant move as they cant get money together for a new deposit on another place to rent. at 26, i am supporting my parents financally at times. I have spent £300 before bailing them out when the bailffs came over. I give them about £50 every few months or so, as their wages combined equate to my wage. So i would NEVER EVER ask for money from them. I think anyone who relies on their parents like this lack independece, so although it's not a great situation for me or my parents to be in, at least i know i am supporting myself by myself, whilst doing all i can to help them too . I'd be interested if anyone else had these problems?

My mum only came into money this year - for the past 5 years I have regularly loaned money then for the past year when my parents were both ill I was paying around £200-300 per month helping them to keep them going while they couldn't work. I was the first person my mum paid back, and the extra money was unexpected.

I know they would have done the same for me if the situation was reversed. That's what families do isn't it.

Spill the beans... on grown-ups whose parents support them

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