Spill the beans... on grown-ups whose parents support them

sazpot

Marwell1 wrote: »

A lot of people are implying that their parents are 'comfortable' financially, or 'they can afford it' but how do they know? Most parents would go without themselves to help their children. We have given money to our children towards houses, cars and their children's tuition when they are in need - but in the winter we don't put the heating on unless we have visitors, and plan our journeys carefully because of the cost of petrol. We wouldn't dream of telling our children how careful we have to be.

I know because I have a relationship with my parents where these things are openly discussed. When we were little their circumstances were very different and they had to explain to us why we couldnt have what we wanted and our friends had. Once they had an issue with their account being frozen for a couple of days as their mortgage change had gone wrong and asked me for a couple of hundred pounds when i was about 11! It cant have been easy asking for my childrens cash card to buy the food shopping. As we got older it was expained that we could have more as dad was earning more. A few years ago I was told they had gone out for a special dinner to celebrate being mortgage free.

Parents don't want their children to go without but there is a balance, if you can't afford it and your children are in no major debt helping them isn't sensible, as adults they should understand this. If you holiday aboard multiple times a year, have a holiday home, a boat, fancy cars, buy designer clothes etc and your child cannot afford things you could easily help them with, why not do it?

Its all about understanding where the money is coming from and appreciating it.

Tish_P

My own parents haven't money to spare, but my partner's parents very generously paid nearly all the deposit when we bought our house. (I paid the costs of moving, solicitor's fees, furnishings, mortgage arrangement fees, surveys etc, which took up all my savings.) We couldn't have done it without them, or at least couldn't for another few years.

I know we were very lucky, and feel a bit guilty about it because I know it's now really hard for those younger than us - worse job prospects, bigger student debts, and while house prices haven't been shooting up as much in the last couple of years they are still ridiculous.

bossymoo

My parents put me and my brother through university. We didn't get grants as my dad earned too much, but we did take student loans (this was the nineties) to ease the pressure, with there being two of us.

They then divorced, and solicitors took their chunk...

So, house buying, weddings, cars etc all to be self funded (although they did give us each £1500 towards weddings). I think my brothers inlaws paid for a lot of their wedding, but it was very grand. Ours was abroad, and very simple. And cheap...

My inlaws did match my DHs savings when we bought together - that was a deal they'd had since he was a teenager. I offered them that money back when he died. They refused and bought me a washing machine...

I did lend my mum £5k once, which she repaid. And she lent me £10k last year, which I then repaid from his life assurance.

So it's all a bit of a muddle here, without anyone really being dependant on anyone else, but all helping out from time to time, and all being pretty sensible with money.

My kiddies are very young, so obviously dependant on me, and they stand to inherit from my inlaws eventually too, but I see it as my responsibility to educate them on how to make the best of whatever we've got, and I'm hoping they've inherited the savings gene as both me and their daddy liked to put by a bit of savings.

kloana

Since I turned 16 (I'm 30), I haven't took a single penny from my mum (single parent), aside from Christmas and birthday presents.

She'd give if I asked, whether I needed it or not, and whether she actually had it or not.

In fact, throughout my early 20s, I ploughed a significant amount of money into getting my mum out of debt (in excess of £5,000)!

Unbeknownst to myself and my 2 siblings - 3 years and 7 years younger than me, respectively - mum had spent a lot of money she didn't have throughout our childhoods, making sure we always had what we needed. We didn't live flash (oh God, no), but she couldn't bear to see us not go on school trips, etc.

When the wolf eventually came to the door, it was me who stepped in and shooed him away. I didn't mind, it was a struggle for me (and I did a lot of it behind mum's back, she didn't even know the full extent of her own financial problems, it'd got that bad), but it brought about a sense of relief for us all.

A few years later, mum's finances are in rude health, but she still has problems budgeting, etc. (mild mental illness), so I pay her bills from her salary, and give her the remainder to fritter, so it doesn't all happen again!

wend33

My other half and I never take from parents. His brother (well in his 40s) on the other hand seems to have hundreds every year! The parents even buy their christmas shopping 'just for one week' and have paid for cars and household bills. We've never asked for anything and don't even have presents from them - the in joke is that when the time comes there will be no inheritance to be had but we don't care. They on the other hand are always after a handout... I like to think I have more pride and far better money sense!

TiaBaby

My parents are no longer here, but my inheritance ( not oodles ) has helped with things in the past. DH mother has loaned money to all her children in the past and has relished lording it over them. She also proclaims to treat all her children / grandchildren equally ( just that some are treated ALOT more equally than others )

When we first got together, he owed her some money and also had cc debt. Within a very short space of time both were paid off and we have never asked her for anything since. She has resented this from day one as I cut the apron strings without her permission and she has disliked me for it ever since, lol

I hasten to add that DD has a fund that we pay into so that she will have a little to start her off in the future

freddy27

I think my Grand child has had it good. I gave him £10,000 back in 1994 to help him onto the housing ladder. Five years later, house reposessed, failure to pay mortgage. I was further into it in 2000 another £35,000 from my pension pot, which has now gone down the swanny. I guess you will say it's my own fault, but I really love my family and would do almost anything to help. There is nothing left of my contribution to their welfare, just three beautiful Great grand children. All I have left is advice, and that costs nothing.

immoral_angeluk

My father gives me money to save towards a mortgage deposit. The only time I've lent money from him was to cover summer childcare fees and I paid him back on payday. I would have to be desperate to ask to borrow money!

swinstan

We've helped both our daughters financially. For one, we funded post graduate study abroad and the other, we helped out with a deposit for a house. Both are intending to repay the amounts with interest but what's the point if we don't need it right now? We are in the fortunate position (with a bit of help from MSE) of being able to do this for them and they appreciate it hugely. And that I think is the point. Those who take parents for granted - or the other way round - and expect funds to be handed over are the real problem. This is not really about the money, so much as an issue of respect and consideration in both directions. Some families can't afford to do as much as we have but I'm sure they do what they can willingly. Other people take it for granted that someone else will bail them out financially - and need to grow up.

sherri01

I have 3 children & am a single parent in a moderately paid job along with a mortgage. I gave each of my children £3K upon them reaching adult hood, my eldest used this as a deposit on her house, my middle son has still got his in the bank but my youngest son who is 19, left school with 15 GCSE,unemployed for the past 6 months after leaving a good job, pays no board, does nothing to help in the house or garden has managed to spend his but still expects me to pay his phone bill. I wonder where did I go wrong???!!! A good reason to stop at 2 children.