How long to leave it before having children?

summerday · 6 September 2005 at 4:03PM

Hi,

I realise this is a very personal and subjective question, but I welcome all views.

I am 25 and know that I definitely want children one day, probably 2, partner feels the same. Now isn't the right time for us because I hope to re-train for another career, hopefully to start a course in Sept 2006 or 2007. Then I would hope to work in the new career for a year or 2 to get used to it before starting a family.

Also, we bought our first house last year and are happy here, but the plan is to hopefully qualify for a mortgage for a bigger house when I have been working in my new career for a couple of years and OH will be on a bit better money than now. If we waited till we had a child and I was a SAHM it might be unlikely that we would qualify for a bigger mortgage on just my partner's salary (although I hasten to add we wouldn't be silly enough to apply for a mortage bigger than we could manage, the one we have at the moment is based on both our salaries but we are very sensible and quite frugal with our money so technically could manage all our outgoings on just one of our salaries). So we would apply for the mortgage on a bigger house while I am working full time in my new career, just before we start trying for first baby.

So that's the plan, but I guess I am thinking of waiting until I am 31 or 32 before trying for our first baby. There isn't a history of women having problems conceiving in our family, but I don't know how quickly womens fertility drops when they're into their 30s. Also I don't know what the rules are on IVF in terms of age/ how long you've been trying.

If anyone can offer any advice or suggestions, or tell me their own stories about waiting till their 30s before trying for 1st baby I would love to hear it! I know this may sound very planned and being worked around our financial situation but I definitely want children one day and would be heartbroken if I couldn't.

Sarah.x

Rikki · 6 September 2005 at 4:11PM

I believe you are right in saying the time now is not right, but personally I wouldn't be worrying about when would be the right time. Things can change month by month and year by year. Some times things like this just fall into place.
I was nearly 26 when I had my 1st, nearly 32 when I had my 2nd. Spoilt them both, still do.

kingshir · 6 September 2005 at 4:26PM

I had my first child at 25 and had the next two before I was thirty, and that was perfect timing for us. We weren't well off and didn't move to a bigger house as quickly as we originally intended but we managed and were happy.
However, my children are all grown up now and I find I'm in two minds about them having children themselves! Not because I wouldn't love to be a gran but because the world seems to be such a horrible place and without hope of improving :eek: . I don't recall feeling that way when I was in my twenties but thirty years on I find myself avoiding the news whenever possible. Sorry, I know this isn't a proper answer to your thread but felt the need to respond. I do send my very best wishes for your future. :beer:

margaretclare · 6 September 2005 at 4:40PM

Rikki wrote:

I believe you are right in saying the time now is not right, but personally I wouldn't be worrying about when would be the right time. Things can change month by month and year by year. Sometimes things like this just fall into place.
I was nearly 26 when I had my 1st, nearly 32 when I had my 2nd. Spoilt them both, still do.

I agree with Rikki. You said the time is not right - just now and you really don't have to plan it like a military campaign. Leave it until you've finished what you're doing now, then think again.

Save up a bit first - having children inevitably costs you money?

(Rikki, I had my eldest daughter at 26, a miscarriage the following year and had our second daughter when I was 29).

Aunty Margaret

Bennifred · 6 September 2005 at 4:47PM

This is such a difficult decision to make, isn't it? I would just say - be aware that not everything goes to plan, even when you think you've thought about everything! In my case, we wanted to wait until we had the nice family house, husband established in career (we decided I'd stay at home to look after any babies) etc which we did. All very laid back, no rush, etc. Got pregnant, had a miscarriage. Amazing how unimportant everything else became, then! Was desperate to have a baby, and had No.1 son when I was 27. We had always wanted more, so after the planned (ish!) couple of years, tried for another, got pregnant, had another miscarriage. And again! Finally had 2nd baby at aged 30, and then another at 32. The other complicating factor was severe post-natal depression (you don't expect that when you want the babies so badly :rolleyes: ), which took a whole chunk away from my life.
I'm trying to show that the best-laid plans etc and if you really want children don't be side-tracked by other things which can always be addressed later. Having said all that, you seem to have thought everything through very sensibly!

Spendless · 6 September 2005 at 4:54PM

I conceived 3 times in my 30s each time within the 1st month.

With the 1st a scan showed that he had a problem with his lymphatic system and if he survived would live a few minutes only. The pregnancy was terminated as a result. This happened a few days after my 32nd birthday but was 'just one of those things' it wasn't age related.

I conceived son at 32 born when i was 33.
I conceived daughter at 35 born when i was 36.

Health problems in myself-an op for carpal tunnel that came on in pregancy. A hearing problem that turned out to be a benign brain tumour meant a delay in trying for the youngest-hence the 3 year gap.

bis_si · 6 September 2005 at 5:50PM

Hi,

as has already been said, you feel the time isn't right, so it isn't. For what it's worth, I do understand where you're coming from.

I have one child, now 3 yrs old, born when I was 29 - we started trying to conceive just after I turned 27. I would have been happy to try for a second child any time in the last 3 yrs, but OH was doing his PhD and asked if we could wait until he finished. Now he's finished and working fulltime - and I am going to University to train as a midwife, starting next week. That's 3 more yrs, plus I too would like to work in my career before I have another child. By which time I will be in my late thirties. OH is older and will be in his mid forties.

I am aware that my choices mean we may not have another child. In 4 years time, OH may not want more children. I may have trouble conceiving. I hope we can have more kids but it won't break my heart if we don't.

You're younger and have a lot of time to decide. When the time does feel right, just go for it, don't try to plan for exactly the right house or right time in your career, it doesn't work like that.

viktory · 6 September 2005 at 6:06PM

Hi

I just wanted to add my two pence worth. I do admire you women who plan and save and do everything 'properly'. I am totally the other side of the coin. I had my daughter at 17 and my son at 21.

I spent their early years caring for them, before going to College and getting some qualifications and a job. The downside was having children when I was barely more than a child myself and the upside is that my daughter is now nearly 18, my son 14 and after years of child rearing I can finally start to enjoy my life with my husband whilst we are still young (weekends away, that sort of thing). Plus, I am still young enough to relate to them.

The point I am trying to make is that there is no real 'right' time, it is different for all. Enjoy your time and independance with your OH and then when the babies arrive, enjoy them!

Good luck!

Vicky xxx

misty · 6 September 2005 at 7:14PM

I agree there is no real right time but possibly a more right time than wrong - if that makes sense. I never wanted children - thought one day I might change my mind but didn't think it likely. I had an unplanned pregnancy at 30 and was instantly thrilled but unfortunately miscarried that pregnancy and the next one. I didn't have my child until 33. I'm 37 now and wish I'd got cracking 10 years earlier and then I would def have had more. The thing is you could get pregnant at the drop of a hat(or cap!) or may take a few years you just never know. Sorry this of no help. Are you trying to persuade yourself the time isn't right? or are you definately sure? Good luck whatever you decide

Spendless · 6 September 2005 at 7:20PM

misty wrote:

I agree there is no real right time but possibly a more right time than wrong - if that makes sense. I never wanted children - thought one day I might change my mind but didn't think it likely. I had an unplanned pregnancy at 30 and was instantly thrilled but unfortunately miscarried that pregnancy and the next one. I didn't have my child until 33. I'm 37 now and wish I'd got cracking 10 years earlier and then I would def have had more. The thing is you could get pregnant at the drop of a hat(or cap!) or may take a few years you just never know. Sorry this of no help. Are you trying to persuade yourself the time isn't right? or are you definately sure? Good luck whatever you decide

misty-do you mind me asking why you've not had any more since? I ask cos you had your 1st at 33 like myself and just wondered why?

Hope this has't come across as rude-i'm just curious.

Lillibet_2 · 6 September 2005 at 7:24PM

Just had my first ( and only!) at age 30, conceived first time of trying after 14 years on the pill:D and there is a history of infertility in the female line in my family. There is never a right time but there can easily be a wrong time. You'll both know when you feel ready & comfortable with the idea, this is, in my opinion, the nearest you can get to a right time, although waiting until you think you might be able to afford it is a very good idea too;) but not the only consideration.

HTH

How long to leave it before having children?

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