How do I live without him?

PinkLipstickBabe · 28 April 2005 at 10:49PM

I need some help and some advice. I feel in a bad way right now, I have lost the 'love of my life' and I don't know what to do. I feel totally devastated and feel like I cannot think straight. I have just had the best 4 years of my life and also in some ways it has been the worst. Due to circumstances I won't go into, we cannot be together and we are now apart

and I cannot cope.

I am used to spending 24 hours a day with this person and now I am finding it hard to even want to get up in a morning. I struggle to want to eat and when I do, I don't enjoy it. I joined a new gym 2 weeks ago to try to give myself an interest in life and after only a few visits my enthusiasm (which was barely there to start with) has gone. I have a 'facial' booked tomorrow and I cannot face getting up at 7am to make the 9:30am appointment. I booked it last week to try to cheer myself up, though I don't even care right now how I look as I only cared how I looked for him. I'm smoking too much, can't settle on watching TV, I flick from channel to channel, then I come on the computer and browse this site to read what's happening with you all. Even when I read terrible things from people with severe debt and I realise that they are coping with awful situations, it doesn't seem to help me deal with this any better. Both his life and my life have been ruined in many ways by us getting together in the first place but our lives are even more destroyed now we are apart. I miss him so much, my heart aches like I could never have imagined it ever would. I feel so empty inside and all I want to do all the time is cry. I can't sleep, can't function and I have no idea how I will continue without my soulmate in my life. I miss him 24 hours a day and I think of him 24 hours a day. I don't have any money worries but money doesn't bring happiness, I can vouch for that. He brought my happiness and now it's gone. What do I do, how do I cope? Can anyone offer any advice as I am feeling in a very bad way.

Thank You for listening, it's nice to know there is someone out there I can talk to as I have no one to talk to about this xx

rizla01 · 28 April 2005 at 11:10PM

Poor soul Pink.

Dunno if my words will help but at least I've been moved to reply, so at least you know ONE person has read of your plight.

I, too, went through your grief and there was nothing ANYONE could do to help me to feel better about my hopeless situation.

Firstly congratulations on the Gym bit.

That WILL help. it'll alter the levels of 'The feel good factor' after a while. Don't just 'Go There' though. Make a point of measuring and bettering your progress.

I found that if I applied the same 'Measures' throughout my day - I.E. setting targets and acheiving/bettering myself, it gave me a great surge of self-satisfaction. In all, you will then begin to feel better about yourself.

Don't run before you can walk. For the first few MONTHS (believe me) you won't WANT to fell better. You need to go through the mourning of a sad loss, such as yours. You will get better in time but give yourself time to grieve, first.

Also, don't do as I did and go off your food. I lost so much weight that I looked scrawney but DONT do it. Here's my only bit of advice.

If things are truly unbearable then go to your doctor but avoid the anti-depressants that they offer and ask for alternatives, at all cost.

They are a short lived remedy and take years to get out of your system. (My experience).

Also remember to love yourself. You are a good person. :A

Chin up and, by the way,
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SMILE. :j :j :j
xxx

Iona_Penny · 28 April 2005 at 11:11PM

Oh dear I am so sorry to hear about your misery I wish I could give you a hug. What you need to know is that everything you are feeling is perfectly normal - in fact it would be really strange if you didn't feel so bad it's grief. A loved one doesn't have to die to feel bereaved. Don't look to far ahead I think you have done brilliantly to try the gym and have booked a facial but also don't be too hard on yourself coz you don't wanna do them - allow yourself time to be really really sad.

BrokeBrokeBroke · 28 April 2005 at 11:13PM

I would definitely suggest going to see your doctor. He/She may be able to refer you to a counsellor (some surgeries have their own) who may be able to spend some time talking through all of this with you. I guess the most important thing is to think of yourself and what you still have rather than what you have lost. Keep your chin up!

KD · 28 April 2005 at 11:24PM

I have had a hard couple of years to deal with and can relate to how you are feeling. My OH left me and everything you are experiencing is exactly in tune with what and how I felt. I've pasted this from another post I did in response to someone needed a bit of support - not yet technically capable of doing that linking thing - but hope it helps.

1. Go and see your GP. This is NOT a go it alone job. The depth of your hurt pulls you into doing the things you are doing now- it's the start of a weary process. Many GPs have access to professional counsellors, so it's not just a case of here's some tablets... on your way.

Don't discount this route. I resisted seeing my GP, thinking i should be able to sort myself out. The last time I'd seen the Dr was 7 years before.

2. Find someone you can talk to UNRESERVEDLY. Friends, family, colleagues all want to help, but they have a vested interest, (like you) in the relationship and sometimes that stops you short of saying certain things.

I made the mistake of telling different people different bits (dependant on my relationship with them) and it helped a bit, however no-one had the full picture (including me) so I/ they struggled to make sense of it.

Professional counsellors can help you get to grips with how and why you feel the way you do. I thought it was a load of poppycock originally, but over time started to see the value of it for me. I stopped it once i felt I'd got the best out of it.

I also talked to the Samaratins once, I wasn't suicidal, just a moment of despair when I was very upset. They were great. Spilt it all out, no judgements, no follow ups, just being able to share my plight with someone ( a real person on the end of a line) who was there to listen.

My motto is often daunted, never defeated - because life is a challenge, full of ups and downs, each one needing different responses and approaches and let's face it we don't have all the experience all at once.

You are doing well trying to keep 'in touch' with the outside world.

PM me if you think it would help.

Juicy_Tube · 28 April 2005 at 11:32PM

Hi there,

Thank you for sharing something that is obviously very difficult to talk about and deal with. Gosh, I really do know how you are feeling.
2 years ago myself and partner went through a really bad patch. We were arguing all the time, everything was an effort. In the end he said he was leaving. I was devastated. He moved in with a friend and that ended up being for 4 months!

He said it was temporary thing, but I thought 'that's it, it's over'. I went through hell. Couldn't do anything at work, was always crying, lost 2 stone in weight. Felt like my life was over. When someone says it is like a bereavement, it is so true..

This time out did give us chance to talk. We would talk every night on the phone at the start, eventually meeting up for dinner once a week, then more, it was like starting all over again.. We have had a happy ending fortunately and we are together again and happier than ever. So there is hope if you both want it and you communicate and talk things through..

I am not sure what your circumstances are and understand that you might not want to reveal everything- but if we can help, we will...:D

Keep up the gym if you can. I did find that this helped tremendously, especially as since this happened I have sufferered panic attacks, low self-esteem and it does work!! Force yourself to go..

I am really feeling for you at the moment. It is not a pleasant thing to be going through at all. Hope I am not being too insensitive to ask if this is the final call or if you are both in-limbo??

Please PM if you want to chat further,

I am sure you will get some advice from the crew on here. We are always here to listen....XX

Lots of hugs,

JT xxxx

Juicy_Tube · 28 April 2005 at 11:49PM

Just it re-iterate KD's reply..

Talk things through with people as much as you can, although I know this can be difficult. I didn't want to talk to anybody to be honest at first, felt like I was letting myself and everyone down and wanted to keep up a front of all being A-OK. Didn't tell my Mum for a while, just because I knew how much she loves my fella and didn't want anyone generally to know!! Crap really in hindsite.Talk to us at least:D

JT x

SnowyOwl_2 · 29 April 2005 at 12:06AM

I know you are in the depths of despair right now, but give yourself some encouragement. Tell yourself that you CAN get through this...you CAN get to the end of the day without breaking down...you CAN smile...you CAN go to the gym...you CAN look after yourself...you CAN eat...you CAN laugh at a joke. Keep doing this, say it out lots and lots of times (even if you don't particularly believe it) and tell people that you CAN survive...it does help to think about yourself and to find ways to feel good, even if just for a few moments at a time. But believe in yourself, you have got this far already and you will surprise yourself with the reserves of strength you find within your soul and heart.

What you are feeling now is natural, you are in mourning for the loss of something very special and very, very important but in the long term remember that you will find a way to survive.

Iona_Penny · 29 April 2005 at 7:18AM

Good Morning Pinklipstickbabe the sun has come up again and things may seem slightly less bleak than in the depths of the night. So glad you posted and have got responses from people who have been where you are and can support you.

Go and enjoy your facial you desreve it, and if they play the dreamy music like the place I go for 'nasty ' beauty treatments then think of a sun drenched beach with waves lapping and go there.

Good Luck - you will come through this - and keep posting.

dizzygillespie · 29 April 2005 at 7:47AM

I just want to add what others have, that it is a grieving process and no matter how many times you have heard this, it is true that time does heal.

Keeping yourself busy will help immensely. It is unclear whether you work. If not think about perhaps doing some voluntary work?

seaniboy · 29 April 2005 at 7:49AM

Well I guess i'm the 1st bloke replying (& a scottish 1, lol)...alas we do go through the break up emotions too, just most men dont talk about it, let alone get upset in front of people

we just let it rip us up inside, whats the sense in that? its like car insurance really if you have smashed it make your claim ( ok that made sense in my head?!? )

Its 7.49 I hope your up for your facial! now just go and spoil yourself afterwards whatever you fancy...as long as it makes you feel even slightly better and doesnt bankrupt/debt you....do it !

Alas we all have one life come rain or shine, tears or joy etc...etc...

We all get there in the end, take it easy girl.....

Seaniscot x

How do I live without him?

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