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Now What Would You Do In This Position?
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SallyUK
Posts: 2,348 Forumite
Hi Everyone
I'll try to keep this as short as possible but just to give you an idea of the background.
When I lived in Scotland, husband left me and two children back in 2002. There was no warning, he just upped and left (worked abroad.) There was no contact ever since the day he left. Children were only 5 and 8 at the time. I started getting letters from mortgage company looking for payment (their letters said that the direct debit had been cancelled) and I also got letters from various loan companies. Eventually, as I wasn't working at the time, I moved out of our marital home into rented property and the marital home was repossessed. I went to see a solicitor and there was a court order made out for him to pay £1150 per month. That was in 2003, but needless to say not one penny of that money was ever seen.
In 2004, I moved to England to live and solicitor down here said that it would be difficult to get divorced as, without knowing his whereabouts, they couldn't serve any papers on him. I'd have to prove to a judge that I'd taken every step possible to try and find him and this would mean taking out adverts in national newspapers which might mean having to pay in the region of £5,000 which of course I didn't have.
Anyway, I eventually used the services of a tracing agency, and they made several checks to try and find him too, all to no avail. They sent me a signed affidavit saying they'd taken every possible action, but there was no trace of him.
That was last year.
Last week, my daughter came downstairs with her laptop in her hand and she looked pretty shellshocked. She'd logged on to Facebook and there waiting for her was a friend request from her father!!! I asked my son to go and check his account and yep, you've guessed, he had a request waiting too!
They asked what they should do and I asked them what they wanted to do - I told them it was entirely their decision as to whether they wanted to accept the request or not. Both of them said no.
I can't tell you how flabbergasted (for want of a better word) I was when they told me this - after all these years, he's got the nerve to try and contact the kids via a social networking site and expect them to jump and down??? I know what I'd like to do and say, but I didn't get a request strangely enough! lol
How would you feel and what would you do in this position? I think he's totally out of order, personally.
Sal
x
I'll try to keep this as short as possible but just to give you an idea of the background.
When I lived in Scotland, husband left me and two children back in 2002. There was no warning, he just upped and left (worked abroad.) There was no contact ever since the day he left. Children were only 5 and 8 at the time. I started getting letters from mortgage company looking for payment (their letters said that the direct debit had been cancelled) and I also got letters from various loan companies. Eventually, as I wasn't working at the time, I moved out of our marital home into rented property and the marital home was repossessed. I went to see a solicitor and there was a court order made out for him to pay £1150 per month. That was in 2003, but needless to say not one penny of that money was ever seen.
In 2004, I moved to England to live and solicitor down here said that it would be difficult to get divorced as, without knowing his whereabouts, they couldn't serve any papers on him. I'd have to prove to a judge that I'd taken every step possible to try and find him and this would mean taking out adverts in national newspapers which might mean having to pay in the region of £5,000 which of course I didn't have.
Anyway, I eventually used the services of a tracing agency, and they made several checks to try and find him too, all to no avail. They sent me a signed affidavit saying they'd taken every possible action, but there was no trace of him.
That was last year.
Last week, my daughter came downstairs with her laptop in her hand and she looked pretty shellshocked. She'd logged on to Facebook and there waiting for her was a friend request from her father!!! I asked my son to go and check his account and yep, you've guessed, he had a request waiting too!
They asked what they should do and I asked them what they wanted to do - I told them it was entirely their decision as to whether they wanted to accept the request or not. Both of them said no.
I can't tell you how flabbergasted (for want of a better word) I was when they told me this - after all these years, he's got the nerve to try and contact the kids via a social networking site and expect them to jump and down??? I know what I'd like to do and say, but I didn't get a request strangely enough! lol
How would you feel and what would you do in this position? I think he's totally out of order, personally.
Sal
x
0
Comments
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Hi Everyone
I'll try to keep this as short as possible but just to give you an idea of the background.
When I lived in Scotland, husband left me and two children back in 2002. There was no warning, he just upped and left (worked abroad.) There was no contact ever since the day he left. Children were only 5 and 8 at the time. I started getting letters from mortgage company looking for payment (their letters said that the direct debit had been cancelled) and I also got letters from various loan companies. Eventually, as I wasn't working at the time, I moved out of our marital home into rented property and the marital home was repossessed. I went to see a solicitor and there was a court order made out for him to pay £1150 per month. That was in 2003, but needless to say not one penny of that money was ever seen.
In 2004, I moved to England to live and solicitor down here said that it would be difficult to get divorced as, without knowing his whereabouts, they couldn't serve any papers on him. I'd have to prove to a judge that I'd taken every step possible to try and find him and this would mean taking out adverts in national newspapers which might mean having to pay in the region of £5,000 which of course I didn't have.
Anyway, I eventually used the services of a tracing agency, and they made several checks to try and find him too, all to no avail. They sent me a signed affidavit saying they'd taken every possible action, but there was no trace of him.
That was last year.
Last week, my daughter came downstairs with her laptop in her hand and she looked pretty shellshocked. She'd logged on to Facebook and there waiting for her was a friend request from her father!!! I asked my son to go and check his account and yep, you've guessed, he had a request waiting too!
They asked what they should do and I asked them what they wanted to do - I told them it was entirely their decision as to whether they wanted to accept the request or not. Both of them said no.
I can't tell you how flabbergasted (for want of a better word) I was when they told me this - after all these years, he's got the nerve to try and contact the kids via a social networking site and expect them to jump and down??? I know what I'd like to do and say, but I didn't get a request strangely enough! lol
How would you feel and what would you do in this position? I think he's totally out of order, personally.
Sal
x
Wow! :eek:
That's all I have. i agree with you personally!0 -
Goodness that was a shock for you all.
I can imagine Christmas time has touched your other half and decided he wants to get in contact, but knows if he does with you it will be a difficult path to take, and the internet makes it so easy for people to trace one another if desired.
Another reason why the internet scares me so much for my children as they grow older. Anyone can find them and trace them if they desire.
I would rant all your feelings down on to a piece of paper. It is better out than in, and none of this is hurting him, it ends up hurting you, so get it all out and put him behind you.
To do that you might wish to find out his details on Facebook so you can contact him and arrange the divorce. Are the children open enough for you to do this, or set up your own Facebook account and try to seek him out that way.
Good luck0 -
Thank you Counting Pennies for taking the time to reply.
Yes it was a shock, as you said.
I can't help but wonder why now though, why this Xmas, after all it's been 8 years.
I suspect that if I tried to contact him on Facebook he'd go into hiding again - lol.
I'm wondering if I should maybe go back to my solicitor and advise her what he's done and see what she advises?
Sal
xCounting_Pennies wrote: »Goodness that was a shock for you all.
I can imagine Christmas time has touched your other half and decided he wants to get in contact, but knows if he does with you it will be a difficult path to take, and the internet makes it so easy for people to trace one another if desired.
Another reason why the internet scares me so much for my children as they grow older. Anyone can find them and trace them if they desire.
I would rant all your feelings down on to a piece of paper. It is better out than in, and none of this is hurting him, it ends up hurting you, so get it all out and put him behind you.
To do that you might wish to find out his details on Facebook so you can contact him and arrange the divorce. Are the children open enough for you to do this, or set up your own Facebook account and try to seek him out that way.
Good luck0 -
Get a new fb account in one of the kids' names, add him, get his address for a card or some other pretext -
Then use it to serve divorce papers on him.I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
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Thanks Jojo!
Hmmm, now you got me thinking!
At least if I did that, I'd know what he was "saying" to them and what he was planning, wouldn't I!
Sal
xJojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »Get a new fb account in one of the kids' names, add him, get his address for a card or some other pretext -
Then use it to serve divorce papers on him.0 -
What a git! Can you try searching for his facebook account and see if there are any details you can use to pursue divorce/maintenance. (Sorry, cross posted with JoJo)
Now might be a good time to talk with your children about on-line safety - if he's found them then it might be that their security settings are not set as well as they should be. In fact you could, if you were minded and the kids wanted to find out a bit more about their dad without giving too much away, personalise their security settings so that they can add him as a friend but then specify that he can't see any information. Click on Settings at the top right, choose Privacy and for each of the options listed you can select Custom edit and type in his name. (JoJo's idea even better, set up a dummy page LOL)Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants - Michael Pollan
48 down, 22 to go
Low carb, low oxalate Primal + dairy
From size 24 to 16 and now stuck...0 -
Sally, the 2 mothers of my daughters left and never got back on touch again, so I can only imagine how you must all feel getting a facebook request from him, but you did well asking your children if they wanted to accept or not, although maybe slightly relieved they said no.
Some good ideas to get those divorce papers served here.
Best of luck!0 -
Cheeky b@stard!
I wouldn't do anything yet.. think long and hard what you want to do, because all kinds of pent up emotions over the years might make you do something you regret.
Good luck!:cool:0 -
Gosh, what a shock
I;m sure you are glad the kids decided not to add him, you would be better off knowing whats going on regarding any contact when it has all been quiet for so long. (I would be concerned what he would be saying to the kids about the situation tbh)
He needs to face up to things and speak to you first, but I wouldn't recommend setting up an account in a child's name, that would lose you any moral high ground (iyswim)
(also there is the fact he has already found the kids accounts, a new one springing up and requesting him would automatically seem suspicious)
Be straight, you can send a f/r from your own account and attach a message saying the children won't add him until the two of you have spoken first, hopefully he has matured during these intervening years enough to face up to what he has done like an adult and explain himself.
Open up communication first, then see about the divorce.Cross Stitch Cafe member No. 32012 170-194 2013 195-207.Hello Kitty ballerina 208.AVA 209.OLIVIA 210.ELLA 211.CARLA 212.LOUISE 213.CHARLEY 214.Mother & Child 215.Stop Faffing Completed 2014 216.Stitchers Sampler. 217.Let Them Be Small 218.Keep Calm 219. Ups and downs 220. Annniversary piece 221. 2x Teachers gifts 222. Peacock 223. Tooth Fairy 224. Beth Birth pic 225. Circe the Sorceress Cards x 240 -
Morning Everyone
Thanks for your replies, some really good advice there too.
Dippychick, I think you're probably right and I am going to think about this carefully for a few days and then decide what to do.
Louise, I see what you mean about him getting suspicious if there was another name suddenly appearing.
Daska - thanks for telling me about the security settings, much appreciated.
Man on The Moon - sorry to hear that you were left too and thanks for taking the time to reply.
I'll let you know what happens,
Sal
x0
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