Relationship breakdown

gerturdeanna · 7 July 2008 at 9:17AM

My OH and I are having major problems at mo. Last thursday, we discussed things and decided that we weren't making each other happy anymore and that maybe it would be best to go our seperate ways. We've been together for 10 years, married for 7 and have two children (4 and almost 3). Also on thursday, the children were removed from nursery due to execessive arrears. The money hasn't been fritted away, just never seems to enough coming in. Went to work on Friday morn to explain and hand in my notice - no nursery, I can't work. Eldest goes to school in September and youngest can go to school nursery also from September (I think - must check that out). Work said they don't want me to resign and can put me on unpaid special leave until September. But I don't know whats best for me and the kiddies.
Try and make it work with OH - Love him but not IN love with him and if I'm honest - haven't been for a while.
Split for good -
Trail split -
Don't know where I would stand with benefits etc if we did split, don't know how we would manage if we stay with me on unpaid leave.
Everything is so up in the air at the moment and I really don't know what to do!!

needahug1978 · 7 July 2008 at 9:46AM

Hi have pm'd you. x

belfastgirl23 · 7 July 2008 at 10:32AM

www.entitledto.co.uk would be a good starting point to see where you'd be with benefits etc.

I'd also think it might be worth going to relate, not necessarily to save the marriage but even to try to leave things settled in a way that would be good for your children, clear the air and make sure there's no unresolved issues hanging around...

Good luck...

Oh and PS I do think it's worth trying to hang on to your job, even part time, if there's any way at all. I think life as a single stay at home mum is incredibly tough...just a personal opinion btw and others might think differently...

ameliarate · 7 July 2008 at 4:21PM

gerturdeanna wrote: »

My OH and I are having major problems at mo. Last thursday, we discussed things and decided that we weren't making each other happy anymore and that maybe it would be best to go our seperate ways. We've been together for 10 years, married for 7 and have two children (4 and almost 3). Also on thursday, the children were removed from nursery due to execessive arrears. The money hasn't been fritted away, just never seems to enough coming in. Went to work on Friday morn to explain and hand in my notice - no nursery, I can't work. Eldest goes to school in September and youngest can go to school nursery also from September (I think - must check that out). Work said they don't want me to resign and can put me on unpaid special leave until September. But I don't know whats best for me and the kiddies.
Try and make it work with OH - Love him but not IN love with him and if I'm honest - haven't been for a while.
Split for good -
Trail split -
Don't know where I would stand with benefits etc if we did split, don't know how we would manage if we stay with me on unpaid leave.
Everything is so up in the air at the moment and I really don't know what to do!!

It doesn't sound to me as though you particularly want to split up. Perhaps the money issues are putting a bit of a strain on things?

Maybe the time has come to take a good hard look at your relationship but why not try and do that with a view to improving things first. You love him, you were once in love with him, perhaps with a bit of effort from you both you could get that back? Seems a shame to throw 10 years away.
Why not try to have another discussion with him and think about whether you think you could find a way to make things better? Do you have someone who could look after the kids for a weekend to give you both a bit of space just to concentrate on each other?

gerturdeanna · 7 July 2008 at 9:35PM

My mum and dad have the kids often at weekends, but its just spent doing rubbish household chores. I really don't see us going anywhere. We don't have the same things in common.

MrsTinks · 7 July 2008 at 11:13PM

What has having the same things in common got to do with the price of fish?

Seriously? DH & I have few things in common other than we love each other - he loves fishing, golf, Chelsea, scottish rugby, cars and games consoles

I love games consoles (different games tho), dogs, cats, horse riding, books and gardening...

Infact the most unsuccessful relationship I ever had didn't work BECAUSE we had so much in common - we ended up never having time to ourselves as individuals and stopped being Me & Him and became Us. All the time...
Not good.

I think the advise of getting someone to have the kids for the weekend is a great idea and go away just the 2 of you - don't stay at home! Go away and do stuff! Walk loads,talk even more and find out if you're just going through a rough patch or if you have really reached the end of the road. If you have then fair enough - but there seems to be loads of other factors that might be making things seem a lot worse than maybe they are?

Stephb1986_2 · 7 July 2008 at 11:43PM

Me and my OH dont really have much in common but i know that i love him to bits and that its good that we have our own little things we like doing like reading and sewing ect ect, he likes shooting games and quite often gets me to play them with him!!

I think its a way to keep you sane really, with two kiddies i bet its hard getting a minute to yourself though. Perhaps have some time where you can sit and think about what made you two fall in love what made you love him and what makes you not in love with him.

I'll be honest before christmas my OH said he loves me but he's not in love with me it really hurt and when i told him i love him he would always say i love you but in a special way that nearly made me cry that he didnt love me like i love him. After a month or two of putting up with it he said now that he is in love with me and that he's took me for granted. We've been great ever since.

Things take time it doesnt happen over night

I hope you find it somewhere not only in your heart but in your head and for your kids too that you decide to work on the relationship.

Good luck

Steph xx

gerturdeanna · 8 July 2008 at 8:08AM

Thanks for all the good advice and comments. I'm currently now not working so now have the added pressure of making the house look good for him.
Will definatly sit down and think about why I fell in love with him in the first place and see if we can get it back.

gerturdeanna · 12 July 2008 at 8:29AM

I still think he is depressed with lots of things in his life and so I've made a Doctors appt for him on Monday. After seeing what the doctor has to say, we also discussed the option of going to relate or something similar, ut I don't know of any similar place? Anyone help?

DigitalJedi · 12 July 2008 at 8:42AM

You both have young kids and like many people in this country are struggling to make ends meet. That is a massive burden for any couple to shoulder. The pressure to live a "Beckham lifestyle" is everywhere and seemingly everyone but yourselves are leading it.

Think long and hard if splitting up would actually help? What problems would it actually solve? Often splitting up makes financial problems worse.

I urge you to try relate first before making any final decisions. At the very least you need to be able to hand on your heart tell your kids when they are older that you tried your best to make things work between you and your OH.

Hope that helps

gerturdeanna · 12 July 2008 at 8:54AM

After looking at the Relate website, they charge £45 per session. There is no way we can afford this - are there any other companies similar?

Relationship breakdown

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