Need help for my 12 year old son

Raksha · 5 February 2010 at 9:09PM

He's over weight (double dose of 'faulty genes' from both parents - his brothers are both fine) and he has a 'sensitive' nature which means when he's bullied he takes it to heart.

His junior school did little about the bullying, despite regular phone calls and meetings, until he finally thumped somebody hard towards the end of year 6.

Year 7 in his new school was fraught with difficulties with a whole new bunch of bullies, and now he's in year 8, he's been internally excluded for 1 and 2 days, and most recently externally excluded when he came back at the bullies.

This time he has completely lost his rag over something very minor (a child moving into the seat he was sitting in when he got up to replace a faulty mouse). The child concerned is one he had problems with at Junior school, but no problems until now in the new school.

He knows he shouldn't react like that (he 'moved a chair' with some force/anger - it didn't hit anything or any one else) and he knocked over a computer (it still works) but he says he can't help himself, he gets so frustrated with how others treat him.

He's a bright lad - was in the G & T scheme in junior school. He's sometimes on a different planet at home - you can ask him to do something, but unless he really sees a point in doing it, it will go in one ear and out the other - he loves computer games and enjoys being a part of the team when playing them with his friends on line.

I'm not sure what help I can give him at home, I'm out of my depth, and I do have some understanding of behavioural therapy. He's been in touch with Connexions through school, but he says all they do is encourage him to talk about it - nobody seems to be giving him the tools he needs to deal with these issues

backtomum · 5 February 2010 at 9:21PM

Why can't these schools realise that bullied children are going to hit back. He is probably stressed to death. I would go to the doctor and ask to be referred to child mental health - he will then get counselling to help him. I hope things work out for him. With regard to the weight issue - can he join some sort of sport maybe boxing, football etc - this would be an outlet for him too. Good luck and give him a kiss from a mum whose kids have gone through the same - our home life was destroyed at the time.

fluffymuffy · 5 February 2010 at 9:30PM

My nephew had a similar story and his parents tried him with karate for a while. It made him a little more confident and he lost a little weight. The real breakthrough came when he joined the air cadets. He got to wear a smart uniform on Wednesday nights, do manoeuvres in the dark in camouflage gear on Mondays, go swimming at the local RAF base on Fridays, and flying in a variety of aircraft every few weekends -all for £1.50 a week (the uniforms, including shoes, are loaned for free). Then there were camps every few months at the local RAF base with lots of flying, football, swimming and all you can eat - and that was £10 all in. In all a very MSE experience but he's a different person now. He's planning on the RAF officer training academy after his A levels.

kegg_2 · 5 February 2010 at 9:36PM

get him off the computer games and out doing sports.
It will help him lose some weight, make friends and give him an outlet for his fustration.

pigpen · 5 February 2010 at 9:43PM

I'd have him to the GP and referral to an endocrinologist/paediatrician. An underlying hormone issue could cause these weight issues which could cause problems for him yet not be present in his siblings, you cannot immediately say it is a genetic factor.. While I do think there is an element of genetics in weight/build/metabolism etc I do not think it is a 'cross the board' conclusive answer. If he has a good balanced diet and exercise he should not be heavy unless there is another contributory factor.

dieticians are rubbish in my experience but a decent endocrinologist/paediatrician will be able to authorise proper testing and hopefully a step forward, they will ask a dietician to evaluate his weekly/monthly diet and may be able to suggest a few tweaks.

As a counsellor I was advised not to pursue it as a career because I am too .. hmm.. honest lol.. If he doesn't want it to work, it won't and if he doesn't think the person truly has his best interests at heart they will get nothing from him.. I feel the best step is for you, together.. both parents and DS to look at what is happening, work out a strategy for dealing with this together and you to make the school listen and back you up.. he needs to know his options and that he has somewhere he can go for back up and confidence and be believed.. maybe later get his favourite teacher involved.. so he has someone at school he can go to and say 'I am feeling angry/hurt/upset' and he can have time to calm down, chat and rationalise away from these bullying children.

Maybe getting him involved in some out of school stuff.. drama, singing, martial arts.. etc.. will give him a new social circle and also work on fitness levels (being classed as 'overweight' does not make you unfit.. most of the top athletes are 'morbidly obese' on the BMI sale!) it will also give him an outlet for some emotion... you could all go!!

Keep in close contact with the school, decide upon your own strategy including things which your son feels will help him.. Maybe a special 'pass' so he can be excused from a lesson for a short period when he is getting stressed and he can go to a place of safety.. another teachers office, school nurse, SEN dept., Pupil support rooms, for example.

He doesn't have a mental health issue, he has a bully issue and if noone is dealing with it he needs someone to fight his corner, he is only very young to be dealing with this but what he learns from this he will carry for the rest of his life.

busiscoming2 · 5 February 2010 at 9:45PM

My ds2 (aged 13) inherited 'large genes' from his father, he wasn't helped by the fact I fed him too large portions of food, for which I take responsibility. It was all fairly healthy and balanced but just too much of it!
He took some stick at school about it and it was making him unhappy. We talked about it and decided he shouldn't diet but 'grow into his body'. So I gradually reduced the portions (for all of us) and now a couple of years later he is probably about right for his size etc. It also helped when he went to secondary school and rode his bike.

Perhaps you could look at what your son eats and if you can encourage him to reduce/change what he eats. I think you will find his anger is because of the helplessness he is probably feeling regarding his weight.

It is heartbreaking to watch your children suffer. I hope it all works out.

tandraig · 5 February 2010 at 10:19PM

has he been tested for ADD or ADHD? I know its a separate issue from the bullying, but a couple of the things you have said have rang bells with me.

Raksha · 5 February 2010 at 11:26PM

kegg wrote: »

get him off the computer games and out doing sports.
It will help him lose some weight, make friends and give him an outlet for his fustration.

The 'large genes' mean neither of us are sporty types, I used to enjoy lots of walking with my dogs, but that has been cut to a minimum now

We bought both boys bikes for Christmas or birthdays, but they sit unused in the shed because OH won't have them bringing bikes back and forward through the house. As a family we don't enjoy physicality full stop. I hated sports at school because, like him, I was always the last to get picked

I've tried to get us all out geocaching (which 12 year old loved as he found our first cache) but OH just won't come. We both come from a Scouting background, but both boys have given up on Scouts (12 year old when his brother left to go to Explorers, because he didn't have the confidence to go to rufty tufty troop meetings on his own

14 year old has given up on Explorers because its too rough - and he's the sporty one of the family - plays football and is a FA Junior Organiser. I used to be a Cub leader with the same group, and knew the Scout leaders who watched out for him, but we couldn't change his mind).

14 year old has tried Army Cadets, and their much older brother tried Air Cadets but both hated it, so I can't see me getting his brother into Cadets

Swimming is out because of the teasing

Since his Dad took over the cooking I know he's been serving up much too large portions to all of us, but you can't tell him

I always try and leave something on my plate, and encourage the kids too as well, but it just adds to the stress

We've had to lock all 'goodies' in the garage to prevent the boys helping themselves. They make their own lunches from rationed ingredients available from the fridge, and generally it's only a sandwich (cheese or ham) no yoghurt or chocolate. If they don't take lunch, they will probably have a slice or two of toast with jam or similar when they get home. They have an egg and toast or cereal in the morning (the egg helps avoid some 'personal hygiene issues' the youngest one had, so we try and encourage him to eat 3 or 4 eggs a week)

I've had my concerns about ADD or ADHD since he was about 3 or 4, but the HV said he was a normal bright child and OH doesn't want him 'labelled'

OH says he's got to learn to stand up for himself, thump them if necessary and I'm caught in the middle

tandraig · 5 February 2010 at 11:35PM

hun, if you have considered ADD or ADHD then as his mum its up to you to help him. your partner may not like him being labelled, but, if he went to gp i bet he would be glad of having a diagnosis rather than gp saying i think its flu but i dont want to label you!
jeez - this label issue is psychobabble! wouldnt you want someone diagnosed with the illness or disease?
ADD or ADHD is treatable - if diagnosed!

Caroline73_2 · 5 February 2010 at 11:38PM

Raksha wrote: »

OH says he's got to learn to stand up for himself, thump them if necessary and I'm caught in the middle

How will your son learn to stand up for himself if you aren't standing up to your husband.

You don't go geocaching anymore because your OH won't go and your OH overfeeds him.

These are the problems which need to be addressed too. Your son will get teased if he is sensitive about being overweight.

pigpen · 5 February 2010 at 11:42PM

Maybe you should take over the lunch making.. they should not be going all day with no lunch, the thought horrifies me.. no wonder they are grumpy enough to have strops in classrooms he is probably suffering from low blood sugars!!.. They should have yoghurts they are an important part of a healhy diet (live yoghurt not chocolate mousse or trifle type junk).. especially if they are having toast or nothing for breakfast and whatever for dinner.. what 'dairy'/calcium would they get in their diet otherwise?

buy fruit INSTEAD of sweet treats.. put it in their lunch boxes... no chocolate or crisps.

what do they have for breakfast?

What personal hygiene could eggs possibly help with? though they are full of protein so not a bad thing.. providing they aren't fried of course.

If portion sizes are too large maybe you should serve up.. hubby can cook and you can dish up what everyone needs.. or else talk to him.. tell him he is serving too much make him realise he has a part to play in the size issues in the family.

Why did you buy bikes if they aren't allowed to use them? Poor kids must have been thrilled to get them and them devastated they have these lovely bikes for show purposes.. let them ride them! Let them be children! Do you have a side gate or rear access they could use instead of bringing through the house? Not that I see an issue with bringing them through.. says the least house proud person in the world!

Go swimming as a family.. or encourage him to go with his brothers.. or dad .. there shouldn't be a problem.

I think there sounds like there is more at play here than your sons stature, but you and hubby need to take responsibility for some of it and work through it. Is there also a bit of molly-coddling as he is 'the baby'?

My children have labels.. one has cerebral palsy, one has learning difficulties, one has aspergers.. it means they get the help they need to achieve their full potential.. would you refuse to allow your doctor to tell you you had MS and offer help? What is the difference? ASD's are just as valid as any other illness/disability.

While I am all for standing up for yourself it is a last resort and right now there are other options... if all else fails.. tell him to go for the leader of the bullies..

Need help for my 12 year old son

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