Family cut themselves out of my son's life

From my viewpoint this is what the underlying message of your mothers text says:

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

'MY NAME im really upset I cant sleep and am crying everynight and missing WIGLET so much, I just cant believe youd accuse me of harassment your own mum?

1. It's all I and me.
2. No mention of missing you at all only wiglet!
3. Accusing me of harassment your own mum! Honestly get down off your cross we need the wood for something else! :rotfl: she is casting herself in the martyr role and as the victim and therefore not taking any responsibility for what has happened at all. This is a big big indicator that she has not and will not change. Whilst others have said she may not understand what she has done, from this statement alone I don't buy it. She knows exactly what she has done and is not willing to own up to any bad behaviour on her part. Wiggy I hate to say this but I agree with the other poster, I think that she has used this same behaviour on other members of your family and it has paid off in the past, hence why she is using it again.

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

phone the police cuz we came round forgods sake what have I done??

So shouting and banging on your door and terrifying wiglet seems to have just been forgotten. No accountability, no self awareness. From her perspective it's just 'me,me,me' what do I want, how do I feel. Classic narcissistic behaviour.

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

it was bad enough when you attacked me with an oar and now this!

Textbook gaslighting (re-writing the past to suit the individual's perspective rather than the true facts of the situation). Very typical of the narcissistic personality and very manipulative, designed to make you doubt your own memory of what happened and therefore be influenced in thinking you were wrong.

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

you must really hate me to be this cruel im soo upset

Back up on the cross again!

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

I don't know what to say poor WIGLET

This is a very arrogant statement. Why does she think its her duty to explain things? Again usurping your role as mother and trying to make out she is the rational one! Very patronising.

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

I love him soo much and have been in his life from the start do you really want him to have no contact with us??

Emotional blackmail. She's very well practised at this isn't she!

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

what about his presents?

Just plain old fashioned blackmail! Like giving you presents for him is just going to make you roll over and hand him back. Also making you out to be the bad guy because you are depriving wiglet of presents. No, what you are doing is much more important by protecting him from her toxic influence and bad behaviour.

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

I don't even understand is someone filling your head with stuff?

Because you couldn't possibly have found the strength to stand up on your own! This is a very telling remark and to my mind still indicates that she sees you as weak and easily controlled and is getting frustrated that this is no longer the case.

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

if you don't want us in your life then that's your choice but WIGLET deserves to know his family plz txt back x'

Yes, wiglet deserves to know his dad and deserves to have a loving stable wonderful relationship with his mum that isn't influenced by others or undermined. At this stage, she does not DESERVE to be in his life as demonstrated by her words and deeds. She does not have an automatic right, nor does she have any power over YOUR son. I think this statement suggests she does not see wiglet as your son but instead sees you and wiglet as very separate units rather than as your own family. This is very interesting and may explain why she drove away your son's father and controls your sisters boyfriend, she does not see people as independent autonomous personalities outside of herself. Therefore, she does not respect you or your sisters right to have your own family and set your own boundaries. Wiglet is young and easily controllable to her, but what happens when he grows up and starts to assert his own independence? What will she do then?

Please do not text back wiggy. You will undermine the harassment letter, which is exactly what she wants you to do. If you do, she can show it as evidence to counter the legitimacy of your claim that you do not want contact with her.

My view is first thing tomorrow get your phone number changed. Blocking apps may or may not work, but a change of phone number definitely will. This will then stop all manipulative texts or phone calls over Christmas because I agree with the others that it is going to get worse so you must brace yourself.

Go and see the solicitor you visited before and follow up on what's happened since. I would also talk with the police again so they are aware that the situation has not changed and if they are called out again over Christmas then they are fully appraised of the situation.

I'm sorry if I have offended you by some of my comments but her text has made me so mad as its another step in the campaign to bring you back under her thumb. :mad:

Hang in there wiggy. You are a fantastic mum in what you are doing and one day when wiglet has grown into a fine well adjusted successful young man, you can be justly proud that you got him there:T:T

Coming out of lurkdom to give you big hugs Wiggy. You've had to cope with a lot of developments over the last few days what with Wiglet's dad visiting, perhaps re-thinking your expectations about his role in the shorter term, the toys being delivered and now this quite frankly "out of order" text from your "mother".

Firstly - STAY STRONG AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF .....don;t start to doubt yourself even if some of the posts on here recently may have not necessarily been what you wanted to hear. You;re doing really brilliantly :T:T .....and I'm sure I speak for everyone posting on your thread that we all think you're a lovely and brilliant person/mum even if at times we may suggest an alternative course of action to a particular situation.

tiger_eyes wrote: »

She is desperate for a reaction. Desperate. This is the last flailing of the death throes of the ignored narcissist. You can hear her high-pitched scream of anguish in the background: Why aren't they paying attention to me?!

SECONDLY: ^^^ This is spot-on.

Wiggy please don;t react. Please don;t try to be reasonable and respond directly- she will never accept or understand that her behaviour is/has been unreasonable no matter how hard you try. Unfortunately narcissists by their very nature are unable to understand or accept there is anything wrong with their behaviour or the way they treat other people. They have no empathy which is part of the issue. It's always all about them - always has been, always is and always will be. They cannot change and will never see your point of view.....I've been told that by my brilliant psychotherapist.

One of the best tactics used by narcissists is to use your concern about how other people may think of you to control how you respond, to their own advantage i.e. pressing your "hot buttons". Your mum referring to the oar in the last text is pretty typical.....and any reference she makes/has made to your past PND is a similar tactic because it clearly still does concern you although I hope the posters on this thread have managed to allay your fears about that.

I have had to deal with 3 narcissists in my lifetime - my mum. my sis and my ex OH. They mess with your brain, they make you feel inadequate, useless, they confuse you.....until you finally realise that it's all about them and then you cut contact so you can start thinking for yourself and start living your life rather than theirs.

Congratulations Wiggy - you've taken the some major steps towards achieving this. I've been following your thread since you started it and read your others....and I've been cheering you on from lurkdom. You;re doing fantastic lady.

How would I handle the current situation if I were in your shoes?

RAS wrote: »

Refuse to text back.

Two possibilities

1. Write to her yourself (instead of using a lawyer)
2. Ask CAB or a lawyer to write to her.

"Further to the letter regarding harassment, you continue to attempt to contact me.

Please return the front door key that you have to the building as you have now used this twice despite my request that you keep away.

Wiglet is fine and settled; he does not need contact with you at this time.

Given your previous attempt to abduct him (as known to the police), it is not sensible for him to have any further contact with you.

My best wishes to sister, nephew and nanna."

You need to get over the Christmas period and expect another meltdown near his birthday.

^^^ This is what I think you should do....get the same solicitor to write another letter stating the above. Treat her texts/actions as further evidence to support the fact that SHE is the one being unreasonable and NOT you and make sure you show them to your solicitor, the police, SS and anyone else who is currently supporting you from "officialdom"!

Why?

You have already started to build some protection/security for you and Wiglet to guard against any further attempts by your mum to take him away from you and are doing really well. Your mum has received a letter requesting she refrain from harassing/contacting you. You also have the support of the police and SS and your mum's previous behaviour has now been officially noted by those that matter as being a "threat". You have made it very clear that you do not wish Wiglet to have contact with her at the moment for obvious and now documented reasons.

She has chosen to ignore the letter. Please don't jeopardise what you have achieved so far by trying to resolve this directly with her...it is far too early in the process and will undermine your current position. It's important you can demonstrate by your own actions that you are being consistent in terms of your request for her to keep away which includes no attempt by yourself to engage with her directly at the moment despite any "bait" she sends your way like today's text. You have set your boundaries and you must be seen to be sticking to them otherwise she will take advantage for more bad behaviour and the authorities will not be so keen to back you up if, god forbid, she tries to take Wiglet in the future.

I know it's hard.....but you are still finding your feet in all this and it WILL take time to resolve the relationships you have for your own best interests. Christmas is an emotional time of year and is a great reason/excuse manipulators use to tug at your heartstrings and make you feel you are being unreasonable and agree with what they want. Carry on with your plans for this year and don't change them....baby steps!

I know in the back of your mind you are probably thinking about the longer term and the relationships Wiglet might want with his cousin/grandma/dad/aunty in the future. However now is not the time to be making decisions purely based upon an ideal of how you would want the longer term to work out. What IS important is the here and now and creating enough breathing space for you to take the next steps forwards in developing yours and Wiglet's future for your own benefit. Which, by the way, you're doing extremely well :beer:

Ref: The Future: For what it's worth
a) after cutting contact 3 years ago with my parents for at least 6 months I have now built up to having limited telephone conversations each week with my mum and go to visit at least twice a year which works well.

Maybe you can work towards this with your sister over time...but not yet as she is clearly still your mother's means of getting to you

b) I still have no contact with my sister as she is the most toxic and very like your mum....and used/uses my mum to get to me. Funnily enough my sis rang tonight out of the blue after 3 years of no contact with a similar but more toned down type of message to what your mum has just sent you ..."I know you said not to contact you BUT.......your nephew enjoyed seeing you in the summer and...I want to invite you here for Xmas so he can see you.." To paraphrase her message - "I want to show to everyone I can have a proper full family Xmas and I need you to be there and clearly I still have absolutely no respect for your feelings on the matter and I'm still continuing to use my son as emotional blackmail to get what I want".

c) The ExOH - not relevant to this thread. but suffice to say I am better off for never having seen him again.


I hope my post reassures you to keep going and not to stray away from the current secure position you are building for Wiglet and yourself.

Lots of hugs
xxxx

Also want to say that Ballabriggs post is spot-on in terms of the real motivations behind your mother's text..and extremely eloquent

xxx

Holy smokes

Don't let her take wiglet anywhere please. I know she your sis but she just as bad as your mother.

Same kind of blackmail, don't fall for it.