Heartbroken. What to do?

UnLucky_in_Love · 30 October 2013 at 4:31PM

Now I appreciate that the advice is going to be “get over it” but just writing my story down will make me feel better. I also fully expect to get flamed for this but please hear me out. (I am a regular poster on the forums but have created a new identity for this post.)

I’m an academic working at one of the top UK universities. I am a 37 year- old woman and have pretty much given up on finding love. I have now been single for years and I don’t like it, but I just don’t seem to meet anyone whom I’d be interested in and vice versa. I am also terrible at dating

Approx. 4 weeks ago I met a 52 year-old fellow academic (let’s call him M) in a professional setting. He works at another top university ca. 150 miles away. Me and M ‘clicked’ immediately, and connected effortlessly on many levels. I knew before he arrived that he is married - his wife (another academic working in the same department as M) was meant to attend as well but had pulled out.

After dinner he sent me an email suggesting to meet up in the morning (it was Saturday) for a tour of the town. We met in town, and what followed were three extraordinary hours where we were in our own little universe, only focusing on each other and forgetting the world around us. He was very reluctant to leave. We didn’t kiss (well on the cheek only). By this point we had fallen in love with each other. And yes, I know he is married (if very unhappily so).

We have since sent over 400 emails each and spoken on the phone several times. The decision to meet up was made very quickly, and it happened last weekend (in a different town, staying in a hotel). It was pure bliss, but the deceit was weighing heavily on our minds.

This is of course an impossible situation and cannot continue. M adores his step children and puts up with the truly awful behaviour of their mother to preserve a sense of family for them. (He is very good with the kids.) There is no perspective for us. I am utterly heartbroken; he is everything I have ever wanted in a partner. He is dying to see me but he just can’t pull off leading a ‘dual life’, and he doesn’t want to jeopardise his step children’s happiness.

Any advice would be much appreciated, including how to get over the end of a relationship before it has even begun.

(Most of my friends are fellow academics who know the person involved so I can't really talk to anyone about it.)

tea_lover · 30 October 2013 at 4:37PM

Oh you poor thing, how awful for both of you. His wife doesn't understand him, you tried to stop yourselves, it's meant to be. How could anyone not understand the pain of such star-crossed lovers??

You know exactly what the response will be so I won't disappoint - you're not in love, you've only just met. It's just a grubby little affair and you should both be deeply, deeply ashamed of yourselves. I doubt you will be though, somehow this will all be someone else's fault (like his wife's for instance).

Makes me sick, you pair of tramps.

ETA: Sleeping with someone else's husband is not a relationship.

System · 30 October 2013 at 4:38PM

This is of course an impossible situation and cannot continue

So why did you meet up then?

There wasn't any point in meeting if there was no chance your relationship could continue.... you would get deeper and deeper in love. As you've found out.

If it was true love and there was a chance it could work then so be it.

Bazey · 30 October 2013 at 4:39PM

Have sex with someone else, maybe someone who's a little bit younger, pretty hot and awesome in bed.

By the way, I'm Barry, 35 and I can go all night.

UnLucky_in_Love · 30 October 2013 at 4:40PM

tea_lover wrote: »

Oh you poor thing, how awful for both of you. His wife doesn't understand him, you tried to stop yourselves, it's meant to be. How could anyone not understand the pain of such star-crossed lovers??

You know exactly what the response will be so I won't disappoint - you're not in love, you've only just met. It's just a grubby little affair and you should both be deeply, deeply ashamed of yourselves. I doubt you will be though, somehow this will all be someone else's fault (like his wife's for instance).

Makes me sick, you pair of tramps.

ETA: Sleeping with someone else's husband is not a relationship.

Well thanks for that. Don't for one moment think that either of us is feeling good about it. Which is why we have ended it before it really started. The "affair" isn't sex driven (he could have that far easier closer to home).

UnLucky_in_Love · 30 October 2013 at 4:41PM

Bazey wrote: »

Have sex with someone else, maybe someone who's a little bit younger, pretty hot and awesome in bed.

By the way, I'm Barry, 35 and I can go all night.

Thanks Barry, much appreciated but it's not about the sex really. Good luck anyway.

Valli · 30 October 2013 at 4:42PM

All you know about his family has, I assume, come from him.

So he's telling you what you want to hear.

I suggest that you walk away now. He cannot be everything you want in a partner because he isn't free to be your partner. But you know all this or you wouldn't be asking.

There are no guarantees but if he wants to be with you - or even find out whether you've a future together then he needs to be free from his current encumbrances. Lining up a potential future partner while still with a present partner is shoddy behaviour - and, in your heart of hearts, you know that. And how can you trust a partner who you know will 'happily' cheat?

UnLucky_in_Love · 30 October 2013 at 4:44PM

Judi wrote: »

So why did you meet up then?

There wasn't any point in meeting if there was no chance your relationship could continue.... you would get deeper and deeper in love. As you've found out.

If it was true love and there was a chance it could work then so be it.

Thanks Judi. Yes it was a mistake to meet up. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. We are both puzzled by how it could have happened. He had never even contemplated infidelity before we met, and neither have I. We are like a pair of love struck teenagers, it's ridiculous really.

BitterAndTwisted · 30 October 2013 at 4:45PM

It's indescribably tawdry to meet and have sex with someone you know from the outset is not free, most especially someone who you have known for about five minutes. I can't decide which one of you is the most tawdry here but I'm swaying towards the one who is already in a relationship. I doubt this is the first time he has done such a thing.....

You know what you need to do without asking strangers on the internet.

Bazey · 30 October 2013 at 4:46PM

UnLucky_in_Love wrote: »

Thanks Barry, much appreciated but it's not about the sex really. Good luck anyway.

I'm up all night to get lucky...

loveabargain13 · 30 October 2013 at 4:46PM

Bazey wrote: »

Have sex with someone else, maybe someone who's a little bit younger, pretty hot and awesome in bed.

By the way, I'm Barry, 35 and I can go all night.

HELLO BARRY!! *waves* oooppppssss

That's probably not what the OP wants....

Heartbroken. What to do?

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