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adamantine · 24 October 2011 at 9:54PM

the way i see it you have one big decision to make first before you make any other moves on anything.

can you properly forgive him for the affair and forget it or will you always feel like this?

if you cant then you need to end it and move on. an affair is hard enough to forgive without the "constant reminder" of another child in the mix.

there are 2 innocent parties in this, your child together and his child with the OW. both of them deserve a relationship with each other and both have the right to a relationship with their father.

in your shoes i would take a step back. let him and her sort it out between them with him having contact with the child (contact centre or neutral meeting place, not in eithers home) and let the dust settle between you and her. this all sounds very recent and emotions are all very raw and wounds havent had a chance to heal and (not that im defending her in the slightest) she has just had a baby and her hormones are all over the place.

would either of them be up for mediation? just to get it all sorted out to start with? he really should be stepping up fully and not just financially.

and just playing devils advocate here, has you hubby asked for a DNA test? you said she was married when they had the affair. there is a chance he isnt the bio father.

Sally42 · 24 October 2011 at 9:55PM

Yes, I've been through similar. My husband had a three year affair which I found out about almost four years ago to the day. I crumbled. I fell. And rose again. We had counselling. I had psychiatric help. Thought we were on track. Six months later I discovered (from her) that she had just given birth to his baby, a little girl who (very sadly) died.
Four years on and time has mellowed my emotions to a degree. But I'm still angry, still resentful, still watchful. It's a cliche but you have to take things day by day. Talk, and talk and talk some more. I sometimes feel as if I've talked all the words in the world. It doesn't help that my hubby won't talk back to me, so I have to find the answers from the other parties involved. (oh yes, there have been more since....) As long as you communicate, and try to look forwards rather than backwards....and as long as there is love between you....

System · 24 October 2011 at 9:55PM

I don't mean to sound harsh, but from what you have written about having to go and pick up your husband's things from the other womans house, it sounds a little more than an 'affair'? By that I mean that it seems the OW might have had reason to believe he was going to stay with her permanently after leaving you, quite probably he gave her that impression? Which would account for her anger and saying she doesn't want her child anywhere near you. He, imo. has cheated on you both...probably because he doesn't really want the responsibility of being a grown up man with children... that's why he cheated on you ( ie she offfered Freedom) and when she got pregnant, he 'cheated ' on her by going back to you because it was 'easier'.

I may well be wrong, I hope I am...but I can see both you and the OW finding out he will dump you both if another 'offer of freedom' comes along. If you decide it is worth the risk, be supportive on him shouldering the responsibilty to pay for his new child via the CSA. I doubt that the OW will want any contact really, unless she thinks she may win him back.

I certainly think you need to back off from wanting any contact with the child for the foreseeable future...if the OW wants him to see their child it should be on neutral ground for a good while at least not with you.

Best of luck

*Ro* · 24 October 2011 at 9:56PM

My parents disastrous relationship is forever imprinted on my brain.
I did get married (to the surprise of even myself) but my oh is under no illusions and is fully aware that should he stray he will be chopped in the nethers.
I want our future child to grow up happy in a stable family with both parents, I can see why you would want that given what happened in your childhood.
For me it will *not* be both parents at all costs because if my oh half strays there is no going back I will not end up like my mother and will not let my child suffer. You deserve better.

alias*alibi · 24 October 2011 at 10:02PM

Sally42 wrote: »

Yes, I've been through similar. My husband had a three year affair which I found out about almost four years ago to the day. I crumbled. I fell. And rose again. We had counselling. I had psychiatric help. Thought we were on track. Six months later I discovered (from her) that she had just given birth to his baby, a little girl who (very sadly) died.
Four years on and time has mellowed my emotions to a degree. But I'm still angry, still resentful, still watchful. It's a cliche but you have to take things day by day. Talk, and talk and talk some more. I sometimes feel as if I've talked all the words in the world. It doesn't help that my hubby won't talk back to me, so I have to find the answers from the other parties involved. (oh yes, there have been more since....) As long as you communicate, and try to look forwards rather than backwards....and as long as there is love between you....

Thanks Sally. I've tried to talk, actually sick of hearing myself saying the same stuff over and over again and can see him getting fed up with repeating himself. But its like I am seeking some sort of reassurance. Can I ask you a question? Why are you still with your husband, if he continued to cheat after the first affair which you found out about?

adamantine · 24 October 2011 at 10:03PM

*Ro* wrote: »

My parents disastrous relationship is forever imprinted on my brain.
I did get married (to the surprise of even myself) but my oh is under no illusions and is fully aware that should he stray he will be chopped in the nethers.
I want our future child to grow up happy in a stable family with both parents, I can see why you would want that given what happened in your childhood.
For me it will *not* be both parents at all costs because if my oh half strays there is no going back I will not end up like my mother and will not let my child suffer. You deserve better.

to be fair i used to say that too. till it happened to me. you never know what you will do till you are in that situation. i still remember him laying face down on that bed sobbing and begging me to stay and me being stupid enough to believe every word he said even though i told him clearly on the day of our wedding if he ever cheated on me then i would bury him somewhere no one would ever find him.

alias*alibi · 24 October 2011 at 10:07PM

Purbeck wrote: »

I don't mean to sound harsh, but from what you have written about having to go and pick up your husband's things from the other womans house, it sounds a little more than an 'affair'? By that I mean that it seems the OW might have had reason to believe he was going to stay with her permanently after leaving you, quite probably he gave her that impression? Which would account for her anger and saying she doesn't want her child anywhere near you. He, imo. has cheated on you both...probably because he doesn't really want the responsibility of being a grown up man with children... that's why he cheated on you ( ie she offfered Freedom) and when she got pregnant, he 'cheated ' on her by going back to you because it was 'easier'.

I may well be wrong, I hope I am...but I can see both you and the OW finding out he will dump you both if another 'offer of freedom' comes along. If you decide it is worth the risk, be supportive on him shouldering the responsibilty to pay for his new child via the CSA. I doubt that the OW will want any contact really, unless she thinks she may win him back.

I certainly think you need to back off from wanting any contact with the child for the foreseeable future...if the OW wants him to see their child it should be on neutral ground for a good while at least not with you.

Best of luck

Oh yes, he told her a whole load of stories to make himself look like a victim and for her to feel sorry for him. He did live with her for a bit as he had nowhere to go when I kicked him out so she took him in but she refused to let him back in the house to collect his belongings (including medication for his depression) when she knew he wanted out of the relationship. Even though I despise the ground she walks on, me and the OW have chatted a few times on the phone over several things and she's told me the lies he spun her in the beginning.

*Ro* · 24 October 2011 at 10:10PM

adamantine wrote: »

to be fair i used to say that too. till it happened to me. you never know what you will do till you are in that situation. i still remember him laying face down on that bed sobbing and begging me to stay and me being stupid enough to believe every word he said even though i told him clearly on the day of our wedding if he ever cheated on me then i would bury him somewhere no one would ever find him.

..... sorry that happened to you, god they are such jerks.

Sally42 · 24 October 2011 at 10:12PM

alias*alibi wrote: »

Thanks Sally. I've tried to talk, actually sick of hearing myself saying the same stuff over and over again and can see him getting fed up with repeating himself. But its like I am seeking some sort of reassurance. Can I ask you a question? Why are you still with your husband, if he continued to cheat after the first affair which you found out about?

I've messaged you.

mishkanorman · 24 October 2011 at 10:28PM

ive had to skim read a bit as im short on time so apologies if this has been covered,

your husband had an affair with a married women, is he 100% sure baby is his ? or is this all on her say so ?

I cant imagine how tough things are for you OP, my thoughts are with you x x x x

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