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  • FIRST POST
    • Savvy sewing
    • By Savvy sewing 5th Jan 20, 6:27 PM
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    Savvy sewing
    Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism
    • #1
    • 5th Jan 20, 6:27 PM
    Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism 5th Jan 20 at 6:27 PM
    I usually have some sort of sewing related title to my threads. My diaries of how I cope, or don't cope with my unusual life.
    But I have lost my Sewing Mojo at the moment.
    Moving forward with a two year old, a four year old, a 12 year old, and four Adults who still take up my time I doubt this single Granny is going to have much time to Sew this year.
    I am going to learn to be more of a "housekeeper, carer and learn to be more domesticated if I can.
    Screaming child stops play
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
Page 3
    • Savvy sewing
    • By Savvy sewing 13th Jan 20, 6:13 PM
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    Savvy sewing
    I have been on the go one way or another all day.
    Luckily dgs1 had breakfast club at 7.45 so he was sorted first, then back to take Dgd to school, drop the car at the garage. Walk back via the bank, forgot the Hill, I used to walk it every day. My thighs hurt by the time I got home.
    Into the cabin to replace complete pockets in a pair of trousers, a zip in some jeans and then make a dogs coat for our dotty designer. Just finished it in time to get the car.
    DS borrowed his gfs car, dropped me off and he collected dgs1, and I paid for my car and managed to get Dgd before meeting at home, putting the boys in my car off to see their Mum. While they were there Dgd and I did the Aldi shop, dropped my Mums stuff off and back with 4 minutes to spare to collect the boys. Home, shopping away and dinner is in the oven.
    Dgd wanted a McD, but I said nope we're cooking our own nuggets and chips.
    I realised that I missed dinner today.
    I have a headache and feel the tension in my shoulders at the moment.
    I look forward to my electric blanket to ease the stress away later.
    Last edited by Savvy sewing; 13-01-2020 at 7:15 PM. Reason: Predict text changes nuggets to Biggest. Not sure she would be happy if we had her for tea
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
    • Savvy sewing
    • By Savvy sewing 14th Jan 20, 7:26 AM
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    Savvy sewing
    I came to my room as soon as I had finished dinner, and left DS to it. He is not working today or tomorrow, and wasn't working yesterday so I am trying to make him do more. I wrote my diary and then got into bed quite early, with the blanket on, although it was 10 when I turned out the light. DS went out after the children were asleep (he did ask me), as he had to borrow my car. Not sure what time he was back. When dgs2 woke at 5.30 I thought it was earlier and gave him a bottle, but he didn't sleep (that's when I realised the time, so I took him down stairs to his Dad and said his turn. When dgs1 woke I sent him down too. I have nodded off and had some extra sleep.
    But I better wake up properly, get Dgd up, and be ready for the school run. It still needs to be in two different directions, but I will be lucky if DS shakes a leg and actually walks to school with the boys.
    Do I sound as disheartened with him as I feel at the moment.
    Would be nice if he volunteered to do something and not be asked.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 14th Jan 20, 8:06 AM
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    thorsoak
    Don't ask him, SS - TELL HIM! They are still his children, they see him as Daddy and as such, will look to him for an example. He needs a size 13 boot up the backside - so put on your seven-league boots, and do it!

    You are doing an amazing job, swimming against the tide.
    • beanielou
    • By beanielou 14th Jan 20, 8:08 AM
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    beanielou
    I think you maybe just have to be like a broken record with DS & keep asking him to do the same things & hope it eventually sinks in.
    Lou~ Debt free Wanabe No 55 DF 03/03/14. MFW. 14 months to mortgage freedom.
    **Credit card debt free 30/06/10~**
    **Weight loss 2 stone 11 lbs **

    "A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of" Jane Austen in Mansfield Park.
    ***Fall down seven times,stand up eight*** ~~Japanese proverb.
    It starts with you, it starts from now. *** It is ok to be me.***
    ***Keep plodding***
    Out of debt, out of danger. ***Be the difference.***
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 14th Jan 20, 8:20 AM
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    NeilCr
    I think you maybe just have to be like a broken record with DS & keep asking him to do the same things & hope it eventually sinks in.
    Originally posted by beanielou
    That might well help! You do have to keep banging on

    Problem is that the son knows that if he doesn't do it his mum will (however much shouting/putting the boot In takes place) I see the same - and not knocking my partner's son at all - he is a good guy.

    It's back to getting a routine in place and, actually, going out and leaving him to it. As I have said it is a bit different for us as the son knows his work schedule well in advance. But we know the dates he is off and my partner will make sure she has something on (away from the house) some of that time so he has to take on responsibility

    All the times ss is there it is easy for him not to do it. I think you need to physically go out - not just to your cabin - on occasions - so he can't think about not doing it or asking you
    • Savvy sewing
    • By Savvy sewing 14th Jan 20, 12:20 PM
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    Savvy sewing
    That might well help! You do have to keep banging on

    Problem is that the son knows that if he doesn't do it his mum will (however much shouting/putting the boot In takes place) I see the same - and not knocking my partner's son at all - he is a good guy.

    It's back to getting a routine in place and, actually, going out and leaving him to it. As I have said it is a bit different for us as the son knows his work schedule well in advance. But we know the dates he is off and my partner will make sure she has something on (away from the house) some of that time so he has to take on responsibility

    All the times ss is there it is easy for him not to do it. I think you need to physically go out - not just to your cabin - on occasions - so he can't think about not doing it or asking you
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    I think your right there!
    I have been faffing about after one thing or another all morning. I have been to see customers, and had two others come to the cabin.
    The morning has flown by.
    I am struggling with the gloomy day.
    I want to go back to bed and stay there.
    DS was again asleep every time I came in through the house, seriously angry with him as Dgs2 was just doing what he licked and Dad didn't notice. I came in to make a cup of tea, realised Dgs2 was still up and woke DS but it is useless. I put Dgs2 to bed and Dad was asleep by the time I came back down the stairs.
    I have put the washing on, done yet another sink full of dishes, and made my self a sandwich and brought my tea and sandwich up to my comfy corner.
    I am in a bit of a mood, so I want to shake it off and find my equilibrium again.
    Mum wants some other shopping and her TV magazine. So I am going to have to go sooner rather than later, because DS is now apparently working 6-close and hadn't told me. I am annoyed as I had planned to go see a friend who's birthday is tomorrow, now I cannot and I cannot go tomorrow as they have plans and it's Wednesday so I have Biggest's children.
    Feeling quite put out today.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
    • dreaming
    • By dreaming 14th Jan 20, 12:53 PM
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    dreaming
    DS was again asleep every time I came in through the house, seriously angry with him as Dgs2 was just doing what he licked and Dad didn't notice. I came in to make a cup of tea, realised Dgs2 was still up and woke DS but it is useless. I put Dgs2 to bed and Dad was asleep by the time I came back down the stairs.
    .
    Originally posted by Savvy sewing
    Hi SS - I have to say that these behaviours would be flagging up warning signs that DS may be back to his drug habit. I am speaking from experience here as my family member used to behave like this - going out at random times of the day and night and sleeping a lot. I hope I'm wrong and it is just the time of year and lack of daylight that has put him in hibernation mode but please don't ignore it. To be brutally honest, apart from work and emergencies, if his car is off the road then I wouldn't be too quick to let him borrow yours - especially for going out when he is meant to be in charge of his children.
    • Savvy sewing
    • By Savvy sewing 14th Jan 20, 4:15 PM
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    Savvy sewing
    His car is in the garage, and it is going to cost nearly 300 to get it fixed.
    We are having to negotiate how he pays me back for that little nugget.
    Was sorely tempted to say no, but the more he uses my car the more wear and tear and the risk of an accident, as his track record is not brilliant.
    I went and did my Mums shopping and collected a mannequin that a customer wants to borrow so she can hopefully sell off some of her beautiful ball gowns and evening wear.
    I have been trying to get my head into a better space.
    I must remember that I have the power within to change my thoughts from negative into positive and that I am often quite successful at it.
    I stayed in with Dgs2 and sent DS out to collect the others, as he has done little else today. I have also left him to put a tray bake in the oven for the evening meal.
    My little cosy corner is slowly having the diaries affect of calming my unease and bringing me back into a positive state of mind. At last.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
    • Both Feet on Terra Firma
    • By Both Feet on Terra Firma 14th Jan 20, 7:01 PM
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    Both Feet on Terra Firma
    SS Why are you paying yet again for his vehicle ? he is working virtually full time has no childcare, grocery or bills if my recollection serves me right he has never maintained any vehicle he has ever owned he should have money coming in what is he doing with it 300 is not a vast amount to have in savings when you have no financial responsibilities sorry but i think tough love he either shapes up or ships out are you prepared to bail him out when he is 50? Sorry but he is taking the proverbial wee out of you and its not fair he also needs to take care of his boys when he is not working he is their father not a lodger GRRRR i am so cross as to the outside world he appears to be seriously playing you like a fiddle x
    Last edited by Both Feet on Terra Firma; 14-01-2020 at 7:04 PM.
    Keeping both feet on solid ground
    • Savvy sewing
    • By Savvy sewing 14th Jan 20, 8:18 PM
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    Savvy sewing
    I am getting seriously miffed with him at the moment.
    I tried to talk to him today but he wasn't listening he just sat with his head in his hands.
    I can definitely see me telling him to go after the court case, if he doesn't communicate properly with me about debts etc.
    Another one I didn't know about came through the door today, and they are taking him to court. I asked some questions but he said he couldn't focus on it he was too dizzy! I was on my way out so he was lucky or I might have erupted there and then.
    Dgs2 has some settling in time at Nursery tomorrow, unfortunately it's the exact time he is usually sleeping, so that's going to prove a challenge.
    I am already in bed and about to turn out the lights as I have been a rather out of sorts bunny all day, and I hope that tomorrow I will wake up with a bit more of a spring to my step and a strong resolve to get to the bottom of what the heck DS is doing with his money etc.
    It's definitely foot down time, and an agenda on his debts to repay me as well as who ever else is in the woodwork.

    Here's hoping for a decent sleep and a better day tomorrow.
    Night.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
    • beanielou
    • By beanielou 14th Jan 20, 9:28 PM
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    beanielou
    I dont know how you do it.
    I really dont.
    Lou~ Debt free Wanabe No 55 DF 03/03/14. MFW. 14 months to mortgage freedom.
    **Credit card debt free 30/06/10~**
    **Weight loss 2 stone 11 lbs **

    "A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of" Jane Austen in Mansfield Park.
    ***Fall down seven times,stand up eight*** ~~Japanese proverb.
    It starts with you, it starts from now. *** It is ok to be me.***
    ***Keep plodding***
    Out of debt, out of danger. ***Be the difference.***
    • trix-a-belle
    • By trix-a-belle 14th Jan 20, 9:38 PM
    • 1,034 Posts
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    trix-a-belle
    Dgs2 has some settling in time at Nursery tomorrow, unfortunately it's the exact time he is usually sleeping, so that's going to prove a challenge.
    Originally posted by Savvy sewing
    SS,
    given Dgs2's early starts these days perhaps he no longer needs naps during the day & should be kept awake so he sleeps longer overnight? (not got kids myself so apologies, its just my observation based on the disruption his early starts are causing you)

    i'm astounded at DS, even if hes seemingly not listening keep having your side of the conversation if you have the time, even if you have to repeat it like a broken record

    I hope Dgd's foot is improving, great to hear she is getting out a bit with friends
    - Mortgage: 1st one down, 2nd: 114800 73k
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    • surveyqueenuk
    • By surveyqueenuk 14th Jan 20, 9:45 PM
    • 611 Posts
    • 2,316 Thanks
    surveyqueenuk
    a strong resolve to get to the bottom of what the heck DS is doing with his money etc.
    Originally posted by Savvy sewing
    Oh Savvy, a strong resolve is not needed is it? I think, deep down, you already know the answer to this one.

    To me, it seems you're in a never-ending circle, he takes the p, you put your foot down and things change for a few weeks. Gradually, he slips back to the point you're at now. So you will put your foot down and so it goes...
    • pollyanna 26
    • By pollyanna 26 14th Jan 20, 10:09 PM
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    pollyanna 26
    I am getting seriously miffed with him at the moment.
    I tried to talk to him today but he wasn't listening he just sat with his head in his hands.
    I can definitely see me telling him to go after the court case, if he doesn't communicate properly with me about debts etc.
    Another one I didn't know about came through the door today, and they are taking him to court. I asked some questions but he said he couldn't focus on it he was too dizzy! I was on my way out so he was lucky or I might have erupted there and then.
    Dgs2 has some settling in time at Nursery tomorrow, unfortunately it's the exact time he is usually sleeping, so that's going to prove a challenge.
    I am already in bed and about to turn out the lights as I have been a rather out of sorts bunny all day, and I hope that tomorrow I will wake up with a bit more of a spring to my step and a strong resolve to get to the bottom of what the heck DS is doing with his money etc.
    It's definitely foot down time, and an agenda on his debts to repay me as well as who ever else is in the woodwork.

    Here's hoping for a decent sleep and a better day tomorrow.
    Night.
    Originally posted by Savvy sewing



    I hope you've managed to sleep now. I'm shocked to read your recent posts re ds. Along with you having the power to change your reactions to various events you have the power to say Enough loud and clear and tell him to leave.


    I'm afraid it does sound as though he may be back to his old ways. The signs are pointing that way. Everytime you pick up the slack you enable his attitude and he will never tackle important stuff while you do it.


    I personally would not be "lending" him any money whether for the car repairs or anything else. You said the other day you are worrying about your overdraft and trying to cut back. Everytime you bail him out you're sending the message that the bank of mum will make everything right and he will never feel responsability for money matters.


    Personally with his current behaviour and accident track record he doesn't sound safe behind the wheel with or without chidren in the car or regarding other drivers and pedestrians.


    I dread to think how his behaviour at home is impacting on you all. DGD is old enough to know the atmosphere alters when he's around and the little ones aren't being cared for when he's in charge.


    I don't mean to be harsh but BGK and show him the door. Everytime you start moving forward he pulls you down again. It isn't fair,right or healthy for any of you.


    We've discussed all the things he could do but he doesn't seem to follow things through. Bursting into tears or holding his head in his hands solves nothing. I remember his tearful messages from the wendy house when you were away on what you believed at the time was your last good holiday for many years. You need to look after your physical and mental wellbeing and you haven't a chance of doing that with him under the roof.


    Take care and I hope you get to visit your friend and all goes well at nursery. They're used to chldren and their nap times and will cope with that.
    pollyx
    It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.
    • ognum
    • By ognum 15th Jan 20, 7:39 AM
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    ognum
    I dont post often but do read as you know so cannot be included in the list of many online advisors you have but would just like to make an observation and of course this is only based on what you have written.

    You are in a difficult position with your son. I believe from what you have written that you would find it very difficult to manage to parent the children without him being there.

    You almost on a daily basis write that you have l left the children in his care while you work, rest, sleep, visit. There is nothing at all wrong with that but if you make an official or even unofficial report to social services that may as before say he has to leave and you would be left to do the care alone and from what you have written I dont believe you would be able to manage.

    It is almost like you are stuck it's hard if you rock the boat, harder if you dont. I have no advise, it's easy on paper to say do this or that but you are on the ground.

    Maybe be more buisness like, a weekly meeting with you son to discuss rota for childcare, cooking, cleaning and a list of jobs for each of you. Get him to set up alerts on his phone, I'm sure he has one of those. Review the previous week, set new goals for the next.

    I can feel that the state of his previous phone was not all due to his ex if his behaviour now is an example.

    I feel for you but it feels like you have accepted how he is.
    • hb2
    • By hb2 15th Jan 20, 1:50 PM
    • 610 Posts
    • 2,484 Thanks
    hb2
    Ss, I also remember that the reason you wanted Ds to stay was so that he could take on more of the care for his children. Only you can say whether the advantages of having him there outweigh the disadvantages. However, it looks as if something will have to change as the current situation is surely unsustainable
    • beanielou
    • By beanielou 15th Jan 20, 3:11 PM
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    beanielou
    I would be worried about what your DS is spending his money on.
    I hope that he pays you board.
    Lou~ Debt free Wanabe No 55 DF 03/03/14. MFW. 14 months to mortgage freedom.
    **Credit card debt free 30/06/10~**
    **Weight loss 2 stone 11 lbs **

    "A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of" Jane Austen in Mansfield Park.
    ***Fall down seven times,stand up eight*** ~~Japanese proverb.
    It starts with you, it starts from now. *** It is ok to be me.***
    ***Keep plodding***
    Out of debt, out of danger. ***Be the difference.***
    • Savvy sewing
    • By Savvy sewing 15th Jan 20, 11:29 PM
    • 10,994 Posts
    • 58,694 Thanks
    Savvy sewing
    It is late
    I have read every thing.
    Actually I agree with so much.
    I went out with one of my girl friends this evening and had a good long chat. I am tired now so will respond tomorrow.
    Thankyou everyone.
    Such valid points.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
    • Savvy sewing
    • By Savvy sewing 16th Jan 20, 7:04 AM
    • 10,994 Posts
    • 58,694 Thanks
    Savvy sewing
    SS,
    given Dgs2's early starts these days perhaps he no longer needs naps during the day & should be kept awake so he sleeps longer overnight? (not got kids myself so apologies, its just my observation based on the disruption his early starts are causing you)

    Dgs2 starts Nursery today so I think his naps will be curtailed somewhat moving forward. Which probably help.
    i'm astounded at DS, even if hes seemingly not listening keep having your side of the conversation if you have the time, even if you have to repeat it like a broken record
    I was upset still yesterday morning and I was talking to Biggest about DS and that I was having trouble getting DGD to get up etc, and she decided to come over yesterday and talk to them both, except with DS it became a full blown argument that I could hear in my cabin.
    It certainly got issues out in the open, and dg went to school for the rest of the day.
    She miraculously listened to Biggest and went with just her walking boot and left her crutches behind. She admitted later that it was easier. She even came to Biggest's house to babysit with me.

    I hope Dgd's foot is improving, great to hear she is getting out a bit with friends
    Originally posted by trix-a-belle
    So it was a turning point for us, and I must follow through and not let them use me as much.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
    • Savvy sewing
    • By Savvy sewing 16th Jan 20, 7:56 AM
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    • 58,694 Thanks
    Savvy sewing
    A late night and the usual 5.10 wake up. I brought Dgs2 into my bed with his milk but he didn't go back to sleep , he just sang Head and shoulders, knees and toes with my teddy, and then proceeded to tickle me. He looks so cute when he's giggling etc. At least he's not the screaming demon in the morning.
    He has Nursery today, so I have to remember to make two pack ups today.
    We have been allocated a new social worker who is coming around this afternoon after school to meet us. With any luck this one will stay a bit longer.
    DS has the dentist this afternoon and hopefully that will help him moving forward. He is rather subdued after yesterday's ruckus but I am staying strong and will follow through with getting to the bottom of things.
    Dgd will be going to school, and DS is going to have to help in getting either or to their school as they are all in different directions.
    At least he is awake this morning and while I am drinking my tea and writing this he is actually getting the boys dressed.

    Ognum, I sometimes think that I am just better doing things myself, but I was hoping that he would step up to the mark. But it doesn't look like it is possible.
    Certainly not unless I have a boot up his proverbial.
    Got to go , get everyone sorted.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
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