Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 3rd Jul 18, 9:19 PM
    • 38Posts
    • 35Thanks
    Mylife
    Messed up
    • #1
    • 3rd Jul 18, 9:19 PM
    Messed up 3rd Jul 18 at 9:19 PM
    I slept with a married man, yes I know it was wrong but what's done is done. I'm now 8wks pregnant and have decided to keep the baby. I did not want to involve the father, but he guessed it was his and eventually I admitted it. I can look /provide tor the baby alone. Financially I'm in a good place. he seems excited, wants accompany me to all my appointments, is suggesting names etc. I have tried to tell him that I do not wish to still be involved with him but he keeps calling, texting asking how I am.He is also offering money but I have said no. I'm thinking of moving and changing my no, but that would mean leaving my well paid job . Any suggestions on how I can deal with this.

    yes I know I was wrong
Page 1
    • Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    • By Mummy2cheekymonkeys 3rd Jul 18, 9:28 PM
    • 181 Posts
    • 1,285 Thanks
    Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    • #2
    • 3rd Jul 18, 9:28 PM
    • #2
    • 3rd Jul 18, 9:28 PM
    Tell his wife. Job done.
    • Kim kim
    • By Kim kim 3rd Jul 18, 9:30 PM
    • 2,361 Posts
    • 3,493 Thanks
    Kim kim
    • #3
    • 3rd Jul 18, 9:30 PM
    • #3
    • 3rd Jul 18, 9:30 PM
    Tell his wife. Job done.
    Originally posted by Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    Or tell him you’d rather do it all officially via the CSA.
    • 74jax
    • By 74jax 3rd Jul 18, 9:32 PM
    • 4,776 Posts
    • 6,558 Thanks
    74jax
    • #4
    • 3rd Jul 18, 9:32 PM
    • #4
    • 3rd Jul 18, 9:32 PM
    Do you not want him in the child's life? He doesn't have to be in yours as a partner but he can be a father?
    Forty and fabulous, well that's what my cards say....
    • Kate/Bob
    • By Kate/Bob 3rd Jul 18, 9:42 PM
    • 1,650 Posts
    • 5,367 Thanks
    Kate/Bob
    • #5
    • 3rd Jul 18, 9:42 PM
    • #5
    • 3rd Jul 18, 9:42 PM
    If you're only 8 weeks pregnant, how did he guess it was his?
    Unless you informed him of the pregnancy, which must have ment your intention was for him to find out!

    In any case, if he wishes to be involved with the child he has the right. He doesn't have the right to attend antenatal appointments or the birth unless you agree. You don't have to accept money but it may be best for the child.

    The wife should be told but this isn't your place, it's his!
    Whilst you haven't broken any vows (technically), don't be surprised if his wife and others blame you.
    Kate short for Bob.

    Alphabet thread High Priestess of all things unsavoury

    Tesla was a genius.
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 3rd Jul 18, 9:52 PM
    • 38 Posts
    • 35 Thanks
    Mylife
    • #6
    • 3rd Jul 18, 9:52 PM
    • #6
    • 3rd Jul 18, 9:52 PM
    Thank you all for your replies, someone close to both of us told him, unfortunately I had to tell a few people including friends and family , that's how it came out . As for telling his wife I have already done so much damage and do not want to cause more misery ( should have thought of it before) As for CSA , although he earns more than me I do have a good job and can comfortably provide for the baby.

    I appreciate your replies
    • *Robin*
    • By *Robin* 3rd Jul 18, 10:28 PM
    • 3,267 Posts
    • 13,480 Thanks
    *Robin*
    • #7
    • 3rd Jul 18, 10:28 PM
    • #7
    • 3rd Jul 18, 10:28 PM
    Every child has the right to know her/his father.
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 3rd Jul 18, 11:23 PM
    • 4,180 Posts
    • 10,674 Thanks
    gettingtheresometime
    • #8
    • 3rd Jul 18, 11:23 PM
    • #8
    • 3rd Jul 18, 11:23 PM
    Every child has the right to know her/his father.
    Originally posted by *Robin*
    Or at least their paternal family medical history
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott / Argos Card cleared thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge


    Next on the list - JD Williams
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 3rd Jul 18, 11:25 PM
    • 11,084 Posts
    • 14,629 Thanks
    hazyjo
    • #9
    • 3rd Jul 18, 11:25 PM
    • #9
    • 3rd Jul 18, 11:25 PM
    You might be the one carrying it, but you both created it. Fathers often get a raw deal. You don't need to be in a relationship with him if you don't want to be, but please don't act like he played no part and doesn't have any rights. He's a father, not an uncle or grandfather.
    2018 wins: Single Malt Whisky; theatre tickets; festival tickets; year of gin(!); shoes; Thai cooking stuff; Jo Brand talk; Slime Factory; Flawless tickets; Comedy night tickets
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 3rd Jul 18, 11:29 PM
    • 11,084 Posts
    • 14,629 Thanks
    hazyjo
    Or at least their paternal family medical history
    Originally posted by gettingtheresometime
    Not sure I agree. I was adopted and have no knowledge of mine and wouldn't trace saying they owed me that information. What difference does it honestly make? Does everyone worry about dying from what their grandparents did, or being more at risk of getting certain diseases. From what I've seen, it's as much a hindrance, if not more so, than not knowing.
    2018 wins: Single Malt Whisky; theatre tickets; festival tickets; year of gin(!); shoes; Thai cooking stuff; Jo Brand talk; Slime Factory; Flawless tickets; Comedy night tickets
    • Kynthia
    • By Kynthia 4th Jul 18, 12:22 AM
    • 5,353 Posts
    • 7,460 Thanks
    Kynthia
    Is it in your child's best interest to not have their father in their life? You don't need to be in a relationship with each other if you don't want to be.
    Don't listen to me, I'm no expert!
    • Marvel1
    • By Marvel1 4th Jul 18, 5:29 AM
    • 3,646 Posts
    • 3,989 Thanks
    Marvel1
    He is the father and has just has equal rights as you in terms of bonding after the birth.
    • Callie22
    • By Callie22 4th Jul 18, 7:30 AM
    • 3,217 Posts
    • 8,796 Thanks
    Callie22
    Not sure I agree. I was adopted and have no knowledge of mine and wouldn't trace saying they owed me that information. What difference does it honestly make? Does everyone worry about dying from what their grandparents did, or being more at risk of getting certain diseases. From what I've seen, it's as much a hindrance, if not more so, than not knowing.
    Originally posted by hazyjo

    It can be useful to know. My parents divorced when I was very young and we were, to all intents and purposes, disowned by my father and his side of the family. Tbh that doesn't really bother me but as I'm getting older I've started to suffer from some health issues, including problems with my sight that I've been told may be hereditary. As far as I'm aware nobody on my mother's side has this issue so it most likely is something on my father's side. Knowing about this wouldn't have stopped it happening but I probably would have been a bit more proactive in keeping on top of it if I'd known that there might be an hereditary issue, and of course I could have mentioned this to medical people had I known.

    I'd guess it's different for everyone but for me I'd just like to know if, for example, there was a history of something like breast cancer in the family, since we know in some cases there can be hereditary factors in that. My OH's mum had Huntington's and that's impacted on decisions we've made as a couple, we would probably have made different decisions had we not known. I do feel quite strongly that children have a right to know their family medical history (where possible, I appreciate it's not always something that can happen) just so that they can make informed choices about things like medical treatment and families. I suppose in a lot of ways knowing things is a hindrance, but to me it's better to have a choice to know, or not, rather than have no choice at all.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 4th Jul 18, 7:53 AM
    • 20,981 Posts
    • 56,558 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Every child has the right to know her/his father.
    Originally posted by *Robin*
    He is the father and has just has equal rights as you in terms of bonding after the birth.
    Originally posted by cjdavies
    +1 to these ^^^^


    Whether you still want to be involved with him or not (not sure if you mean sexually or no contact at all), you will be linked forever through this child.
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 4th Jul 18, 7:58 AM
    • 4,855 Posts
    • 11,000 Thanks
    onomatopoeia99
    I have tried to tell him that I do not wish to still be involved with him but he keeps calling, texting asking how I am.
    Originally posted by Mylife
    It's not about you. It's about the child and their right to know their father.

    Just because you have the uterus doesn't give you the moral right to decide whether or not the child has their father in their life.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
    Home is where my books are.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 4th Jul 18, 8:39 AM
    • 17,026 Posts
    • 41,947 Thanks
    FBaby
    So you had an affair with a married man. You didn't ensure to fully protect yourself. You get pregnant, it is out only weeks after, you already know you want to keep it and you want the father out the picture but already discussing what maintenance you could get.

    Sorry but this is coming out that you just looked for an easy target to get pregnant to have a baby for yourself whilst getting decent maintenance and not care what bit that a child deserves the chance to build a bond with both parents however much possible. Really hope this is not the case but it all comes out as quite calculated here.
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 4th Jul 18, 8:44 AM
    • 2,443 Posts
    • 8,836 Thanks
    Oakdene
    He is the father and has just has equal rights as you in terms of bonding after the birth.
    Originally posted by cjdavies

    ^^^^this^^^^


    How many times do we hear about women berating a man for not wanting to know in this situation. This guy, from what you've said, wants to play his part in the upbringing of his child.
    Dwy galon, un dyhead,
    Dwy dafod ond un iaith,
    Dwy raff yn cydio’n ddolen,
    Dau enaid ond un taith.


    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 4th Jul 18, 9:24 AM
    • 2,022 Posts
    • 2,297 Thanks
    Fireflyaway
    I think it would be unfair on the child to be denied a father or at least knowing who the father is. You have messed up and you need to face up to the consequences not do a runner.
    Does this man have other kids? If my dad cheated on my mum and created a step brother or sister id want to know.
    It's all very well saying you can afford to look after a child but what about the emotional side of things? Prepare to be hated. It won't just be his wife you upset but her family and friends. Your child might not be best pleased when old enough to understand how they came into the world.
    What's done is done but I really do think you need to deal with it. Tell his wife for a start. She deserves to make a choice about her future. Yes it's her husband that cheated but you enabled it.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 4th Jul 18, 9:31 AM
    • 20,981 Posts
    • 56,558 Thanks
    Pollycat
    So you had an affair with a married man. You didn't ensure to fully protect yourself. You get pregnant, it is out only weeks after, you already know you want to keep it and you want the father out the picture but already discussing what maintenance you could get.

    Sorry but this is coming out that you just looked for an easy target to get pregnant to have a baby for yourself whilst getting decent maintenance and not care what bit that a child deserves the chance to build a bond with both parents however much possible. Really hope this is not the case but it all comes out as quite calculated here.
    Originally posted by FBaby
    In fairness to the OP, she says she can financially provide for the baby herself and has said 'no' to the Father who has 'offered money'.

    I think she only mentioned CSA (in a negative 'I don't want or need his money' sort-of way) as an earlier poster suggested she contact them.

    I think it would be fair to the child for its Father to contribute, even if the money isn't immediately needed it could be invested for its future.

    To the OP:
    Thank you all for your replies, someone close to both of us told him, unfortunately I had to tell a few people including friends and family , that's how it came out . As for telling his wife I have already done so much damage and do not want to cause more misery ( should have thought of it before) As for CSA , although he earns more than me I do have a good job and can comfortably provide for the baby.

    I appreciate your replies
    Originally posted by Mylife
    If you're saying she is currently unaware of the situation, I think it will only be a matter of time before she finds out.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 4th Jul 18, 9:35 AM
    • 20,981 Posts
    • 56,558 Thanks
    Pollycat
    I think it would be unfair on the child to be denied a father or at least knowing who the father is. You have messed up and you need to face up to the consequences not do a runner.
    Does this man have other kids? If my dad cheated on my mum and created a step brother or sister id want to know.
    It's all very well saying you can afford to look after a child but what about the emotional side of things? Prepare to be hated. It won't just be his wife you upset but her family and friends. Your child might not be best pleased when old enough to understand how they came into the world.
    What's done is done but I really do think you need to deal with it. Tell his wife for a start. She deserves to make a choice about her future. Yes it's her husband that cheated but you enabled it.
    Originally posted by Fireflyaway
    I agree that the wife deserves to know the truth.
    But I think the responsibility for that rests squarely on the shoulders of her husband, the bloke who cheated on her.
    If my OH cheated on me, I'd want to hear about it from him, not the bit-on-the-side he slept with.
    That's just cruel and cowardly on his part and would probably come across as vindictive on hers.
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

2,236Posts Today

8,570Users online

Martin's Twitter