Bank of Mum & Dad - Fairness??

I think one issue is that "fair" and "equal" are often two different things.
And when you are talking about finacial help and it happens at different times it gets harder because giving the same cahs amount may well mean that the actual *value* of the gift may be very different.

I am one of 4 siblings. My parents haven't given any of us big sums for deposits or anything, but in terms of what they have/do give, they go for fairness rahter than absolute equality, and that seems reasonable to me. After all, our circumstances and the situations we are in are different.

To give a few examples - my eldest sibling gota grant to cover costs when attending university, I got a partial grant and a small student loan, my younger siblings had whacking great loans - so if my parents had decided to give each of us the same help towards university costs, eldest would have had a windfall, I might have broken even and the younger two would probably still have ended up with debts.

If you decide that you want to help each child to buy a property, then I think it is reasonable to start off aiming to treat them equally, but to adjust to treat them equally.

For instnace, if child #1 buys a 2 bed terrace house for £150K and you give them £15K , then when child two comes to buy a house it might be fair to consier what a simialr property would cost. Suppsoe child #2 buys a 3 bed semi in a more expensive area, it would not be fair to give them 10% of the price of that rpoperty, but if at the time they buy, the average 2 bed terrace costs £200K instead of £150K it might be fair to give them £20K rather than £15K, as you would be giving them the same buying power, so they get an equal benefit. And Child #1 presumably now owns a property which is worth more than it was when they bought it, so the gift you gave has appreciated in value.

I also think it is fair to take into account other differing circumstances, particuarly where these are not the result of personal choice. Again, in my family, 2 of us graduated and were lookin for our first jobs in periods where it was very hard to find work, the other two both graduated at times when graduate recruitment was high, they both had multiple job offers to pick from. I don't know whether my parents provided any financial help to my sibling who was desperately job hunting. They didn't to me, but they did allow me to live at home rent-free which was a significant help, and did things like lending me a car to attend interviews. My brother, in a simailr position 10 years later was living 300 miles away. I don't know to what extent they they helped him out, by topping up his rent, funding travel or simialr, but I don;t think it would have been remotely unfair for them to do so.

I do think that paretns should aim to treat their children fairly, and if there are big discrepancies that they should, where possible, give some kind of explanations. I think this is particularly true where the gifts are being given by will - if you decide to give more to one child becuase you feel strongly that they ned it, explain your thinking, otherwise it is likely to feel to the others that it was because you loved them less. And think, too, about discussing it ahead of time - dont assume that you know what your children's financial positions are, people are not always doing as well (or as badly) as may appear.

There are three of us and the gifts/loans have been very unevenly distributed! I have been lent probably about £40k over the years and have paid back every penny, and even subbed my parents when they needed help due to cashflow issues. My brother has received far more than that and has never paid anything back. My sister has received about £60k and is yet to pay it back, but I know she will.

Am I resentful? Not at all. It makes no sense for my mum to split her funds between the three of us when I have no need for her money whereas my sister does. And this is not because she is lazy or bad with money! I chose a well-paid profession whereas she chose a poorly paid (but far more noble) profession. The same is true of my boyfriend and his sister. Both ours sisters are teachers/nurses and need more support from our respective parents. They also both have families whereas we don't. If my mum split her funds between us, I would just give my share to my sister anyway so we may as well cut out the middle man!

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I then altered the bequests in my will so that, some day, each of my children will have received equal amounts.

That's what we did when we lent one of our children money to buy a house.
I have always felt that playing favourites causes huge and lasting damage to relationships and it is something that I have knowingly guarded against all my adult life.
Ain't that the truth!! Been there, had that happen to me and my sister, things have never been the same since my mum died, ruined the relationship between us and our brother, and trhings are definitely different between me and my dad.

.............

My dad is the worst at treating us equally, although as the NRP it was different and less significant.

For example, my sister's laptop broke just before she started her second year of uni, so he took her to buy a new one, with all the accesories she needed for it. My laptop also broke part way through my first year. I did the same as my sister and merely brought it up into conversation and he said "you better go and buy a new one then"

He's just given my sister some money towards her wedding, which I don't begrudge at all, I'll just be keen to see if he offers to buy anything for our twins or if he is planning on doing the same for me when I get married. Going off past experiences I am doubtful, but seeing as I never expect anything from anyone I am not missing out.

mikeeboy wrote: »

If it's spare then it's not an issue anyway is it?

I didn't say it was, really queried why it mattered. You gave the impression that it is wrong to give rather than lend the money. Some people do have that approach - standing on own two feet and all that.

We had more than enough time when money was very tight to be happy to help our kids at the same stage.