Bank of Mum & Dad - Fairness??

pigpen

For a new car they wouldnt get it if I had it to give.


If they needed food, help with a bill, medical help, new shoes or clothes then I would help to the best of my ability, I wouldnt see them suffer and go without necessities if I could help it.

I am not a bank nor will I be treated as one. I hope I have taught them throughout their upbringing that money does not grow on trees and stuff they want someimes has to be waited for and saved for.

enthusiasticsaver

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

I am not a big believer in Bank of Mum and Dad.

If someone needs a new car or a house deposit etc, I do not know anyone as a parent who would have 10k just sitting around doing nothing, that they can afford to gift
Equally you could argue that many of us that do have savings would rather help our offspring than gain the small amount of interest paid on savings these days.
It is not like that where I come from
That will affect how you view this. My mum has been generous over the years with me and my siblings and we try and do the same with our more limited funds with our two daughters. None of these gifts have ever been requested but gifted willingly. If your family does not do this then this is up to you but some families work differently.
Parents are severely depleting their own retirement funds and having to work longer and harder so their pampered offspring can drive round in new cars, and have large weddings?
That is a bit of an assumption. Both my mum and us have provided responsibly for our retirement by buying property, pension and savings as we would expect our children to. The only expectation we and my mum had with gifts is that we use the money wisely or we would not do it.
Enabling kidults to keep rebounding with the sense of entitlement that mum and dad will fund their lifestyle. I would be tightening the purse strings and tell them to get a second hand car / downsize a wedding that they can afford and live realisticly within their own budget or get a second job
None of us have ever requested money and neither has either of our daughters. No sense of entitlement but just gifts willingly given.

Gifting money to your children is often done by those of us who can afford to without affecting our standard of living or retirement plans. There is pleasure in gift giving and personally I would rather we all enjoy the fruits of our labours rather than gifting it to the government coffers by way of 40% inheritance tax when we shuffle off.


This way we get to see our kids enjoy things they would otherwise have to wait or save up for. They have never asked for money and are perfectly able to cover their living expenses from salaries. We still have pensions and property to cover our retirement.


We were able to take our daughters to Australia and Asia on a three week holiday thanks to a gift from my mum and mum came with us. This was an experience we would never have been able to afford and it gave my mum pleasure and a holiday she would never have gone on her own. Her pension is three times as much as our joint salaries and she had substantial other investments so she was not affecting her own standard of living. She is still doing cruises in her 80s so it certainly has not affected her retirement and her pension would cover nursing home fees and if not she has a property to sell.

MortgageVirgin

This is a tricky one... I can understand the desire for fairness when gifting to siblings, but I also understand that gifted sums of money from parents may be needed at different times.

Speaking personally, my parents have supported both my brother and sister by paying for their weddings and big presents of furniture/ equipment for their children. A few years ago, my siblings decided we should have a 'children only' policy for Christmas gifts, so we buy presents for my parents and my nieces and nephews only.

Whilst my partner and I have been together for a long time, it's very unlikely we'll get married. I can't have children. Do I need money? No... However, it does rankle that thousands of pounds have been given to my brother and sister, but not to me. It also makes me feel annoyed that gifts are 'just for the kids' even though we don't have any. Even writing that down makes me feel incredibly selfish though.

Money is such a sensitive subject for so many people. I would advise families to talk if the issue becomes tense or causes arguments. Sometimes, just explaining how you feel can help resolve the tensions.

ERICS_MUM

I have 5 nieces and nephews who are just 'starting out' on their adult lives. I help them all in different ways according to their needs.

One nephew bought his first flat at age 27 but couldn't afford to furnish it so he and I went to Ikea and kitted him out with the basics - plates, cutlery, pillows etc, cheap stuff but it's seen him through the first two years and he can now afford to replace with better quality items more to his taste. Cost £500.

My younger niece had a baby at 19 and is on housing benefit etc, the father out of work, short spell in prison etc. I pay her money every month for food and to her credit she buys wisely and cooks a lot from scratch. Other family members also support her in different ways, nobody in our family has ever needed to claim benefits before.

My youngest nephew refused my offer to help him when he moved into a rented flat because he said he didn't need it - he is a police officer in the Met, well paid and sensible with his money.

This is my long-winded way of saying I treat them all according to their needs and give them their due they respect my decisions and I've never heard a word of complaint or jealousy. They appreciate the help and don't 'expect' it. I'm not talking thousands, I'm sure the situation could be different with large amounts.

Sea_Shell

Sorry for using the car analogy in my OP...seems to have skewed the issue a bit.

However, it might be the case that £10k+ was 'needed' for a car. Especially if the current one is on it's last legs, that's your only way of commuting to work, the only car in the family, and you intended to keep it for 10+ years (as they'll be no money for another!!) so it needed to be nearly new, so as to be reliable and last. And it needs to be of a certain type for family needs.

Sea_Shell

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I think if there is an amount of money being gifted, as per your opening post, then fair = equal split. Unless one child is a multi millionaire and the other living in poverty (incredibly unlikely!) then a 'normal' span in wealth difference doesn't come into it so nothing else would be fair in my eyes.

I guess the crux would then be what span would be considered 'normal'. Homeowner v. Renter - Kids v. No Kids - Saver v. Spender ??

gabriel1980

If you're giving to one, you need to give to all.

Marvel1

My sister has probably had more in terms of bank of Mum and Dad, I have been offered, but the way I am I refuse (even as a loan). I don't feel bitter towards my sister, it's just me refusing any help.

Do I earn more than my sister and brother in law? No,I earn only £19,500 annually (gross) and live on my own, with a mortgage.

Jagraf

What if you could only help one child but that child was desperate?

I have no idea whether my parents have treated us equally financially - why would I compare? They have helped me out in the past if needed, but that's not necessarily financially.

What about if a grandparent looks after a grandchild to help a child work? Does the grandparent equal that out to the other child in monetary terms?

I'm not sure where you stop. At some point kuds look after their parents perhaps - do they give of their time to both parents and in laws equally?

sounds like a big headache. Myself and my brother were brought up according to our needs and independent in our own right. We are therefore different people with different needs. We are not equal - no one is.

Jagraf

ERICS_MUM wrote: »

I have 5 nieces and nephews who are just 'starting out' on their adult lives. I help them all in different ways according to their needs.

One nephew bought his first flat at age 27 but couldn't afford to furnish it so he and I went to Ikea and kitted him out with the basics - plates, cutlery, pillows etc, cheap stuff but it's seen him through the first two years and he can now afford to replace with better quality items more to his taste. Cost £500.

My younger niece had a baby at 19 and is on housing benefit etc, the father out of work, short spell in prison etc. I pay her money every month for food and to her credit she buys wisely and cooks a lot from scratch. Other family members also support her in different ways, nobody in our family has ever needed to claim benefits before.

My youngest nephew refused my offer to help him when he moved into a rented flat because he said he didn't need it - he is a police officer in the Met, well paid and sensible with his money.

This is my long-winded way of saying I treat them all according to their needs and give them their due they respect my decisions and I've never heard a word of complaint or jealousy. They appreciate the help and don't 'expect' it. I'm not talking thousands, I'm sure the situation could be different with large amounts.

Excellent post.