Bank of Mum & Dad - Fairness??

Keep_pedalling

Fairness is not simply giving equal sums of money. We were in the fortunate position of being able to gift them a house deposit after we inherited some money. At the time our daughter had £22k of student debt hanging over her and because my son went to a university in our home town 3 years earlier had none, we put them on a level keel by giver her an extra £22k.

My son knows about this and has no issue with it. Any financial help they get now is on an even basis, but if either of them was in greater need because something like redundancy then we would help out, but would not compensate their sibling for doing so.

TBagpuss

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

Your comment reminded me of this:

that's a great illustration of the point!

GlasweJen

There are 5 of us. Our parents have never been high earners they're very working class living in an ex-mining house.

My oldest sister had her wedding paid for, she lives a chaotic lifestyle and mum and dad have paid multiple house deposits (rental) and furnished multiple houses. Bought stupid amounts of baby equipment for 3 children as my sister would find fault with everything and sell it on. She lives in a 3 bed council house, neither her nor her husband work they are both on DLA, carers allowance and income support. 2 of their 3 kids have high DLA awards meaning my sister has a fantastic household income once you add in child benefits, tax credits and housing benefit and council tax benefit (the kids disabilities are ADHD/Autism and they don't get much of the DLA specifically spent on them, it's just classed as extra income). My mum pays sisters bills at the drop of a hat as sister constantly pleads poverty. When she lived at home she paid no contribution to the household.

My younger sister is newly married and pregnant. Her husband has 2 jobs, she has one and they live at home with my mum and dad. Mum complains that they don't always pay their digs in time but they do pay and are saving for a house. Parents paid towards their wedding - a contribution equal to my sisters plus some more based on extras my mum wanted. They are getting a pram paid for by my parents and mum has picked up odd bits for the baby but nothing like the scale they bought for my older sister - of course older sisters nose is well out if joint and she's accusing everyone of tossing her 3 aside.

I am disabled and have been on DLA since I was 18. At college I stayed at home and got a grant plus DLA so paid much more into the house than either sister has ever done. I've also loaned parents money towards things like car repairs and getting dad emergency medical care on holiday, got some of it back but not all of it. I'm getting married next year and dad said "oh just pay the deposit and we will pay the rest of the venue" told mum the balance and she complained it was too expensive despite it being less than they paid towards my sister (mum didn't realise I'd text younger sister and said "oh crap it's £7500 is that alright" and she'd text back "it's ok, big sister and I got £9000"), dad is happy to pay the balance. Mum currently claims carers allowance for me which means she can afford to work part time and the state are paying her national insurance, she's already said she will take my sisters baby as much as possible so sister and bro-in law don't need to spend on childcare, this is despite telling everyone that she won't look after children as hers are raised and she's not a child minder.

I don't think there's any favouritism/malice in the amounts my parents give. My older sister uses the children as a weapon to get money out of people to the point where if she calls me to ask for money I give excuses or drive through to gift the item instead of the cash. Younger sister is the baby of the family and mum is keen to keep her onside as she's used to being played by older sister when it comes to the children. Myself and the boys are seen as being independent and not needing my mum and dad. I went away for uni and even when I was back home in between moving out I've always done my own thing. Both of my brothers have lived abroad, one has emigrated elsewhere in the EU and the other we see on special occasions as he moves in totally different circles.

If mum and dad won the lottery and gave us all a gift of £10K my older sister would see pound signs and slowly siphon off more and more until my parents had nothing left, while telling the world how her millionaire parents leave her in poverty and how the state won't give her enough money to raise her children, younger sister would be grateful but what she spends it on would probably spur mum and dad to give a further gift (say furniture if she manages to buy a house with the money plus savings), me and brothers would just say thank you and wouldn't talk about what it was spent on.

JIL

Jagraf wrote: »

Out of interest, what would you do if you had the money to help with upfront rent for one (knowing they wouldnt be able to rent without your help) but knew you could never help financially any more with any of them?

I don't think I would be in that situation, I don't see how I could know I could never help again.

But if one was very desperate and the others were OK, of course I would look at it differently.

JIL

Sea_Shell wrote: »

JIL - Sorry if i'm missing something but from what you've said, your parents did give equally to you both...your £125 'share' just had to be split towards between you, your husband and 3 kids. Do you think your Brother should have only got £25 because he is on his own?

Sorry if I am missing something but where did I say I had an opinion on what my parents choose to do? It's their money, they can do with it what they wish to do.
I am not saying that's what I would do with my children, but that's my money to do with how I wish in just the same way. Just giving an answer to the OP in my post.
We are all different, is there a right or wrong answer?

minimacka

I am finding this thread really interesting reading all the different ideals that people have, for eg the person who notes down exactly when they spend on each child to make them the same. Does this only apply to them only when they reach adulthood?
The reason I ask this is for eg if you have 2 children 1 goes through shoes like nobody's business and constantly grows so that you constantly need to buy them new shoes and clothes but the other child only needs shoes say once every 6 months do you then put the amount that the shoes costs into the pot for the other child even though they didn't need it?


I have 2 boys the oldest boy didn't go to uni but did go to the local college and get himself an apprentice at a local electrical manufacturer. Once he had qualified after a couple of years he decided that he wanted to travel around the USA. He had saved a chunk on money up but towards the end of his holiday needed help from the bank of mum and dad which we gave him in total about £1000. Since he has come back he lives at home and had got a part time delivery job, a month ago his car needed 4 new tyres which he couldn't afford so we gave him about £300 so that he could replace his tyres for his job. In the meantime we have not given anything like that amount to our youngest son who is still at 6th form doing his A levels but come September he is going to uni where because of my o/h and my income will either not receive enough loan to cover his accommodation or will just receive enough either way he will need our help throughout uni. My two boys have never complained about what we give to each other they just accept that we are there to help them out at whatever time in there lives they need our help, and I would like to think that it would always be like this. I do treat them the same at birthdays and Christmas though, usually with exactly the same amount of presents that they get.

bouicca21

I thought the thread was about adult 'children'. When they are young you just get on with providing whatever they need, which may cost different amounts. It's when they are independent adults but still need the occasional helping hand that the quandaries about fairness come in - at least it is for me.

pollyanna24

I think it depends on the circumstances and the family.

My brother spat feathers when my dad lent me money for a car. It was £950 and my car just blew up one day and I couldn't afford to buy a new one.

I'm a single mum to two kids and even though he simply didn't need the money (earns more than me - not relevant I know), but he just thought it was unfair.

However, he neglected to remember the years (and years) when I had moved out and he stayed at mum and paid mum and dad hardly anything in the way of rent.

savalittle.

Ive been on the receiving end before, my parents lent me the deposit so i could buy my first place, when i sold it i went to pay them back but they didnt want all of it, my sister on the other hand has had countless loans and never paid a penny back so i guess this was evening it out.

BNT

My parents helped me buy our last house. I needed £70k. The way they structured it was a gift to me of £35k and a loan of the other £35k that I would pay to my brother. It does depend on circumstances though. At the time we bought the house, I had not started my new job, so I could not get a mortgage. Once I was working I took out a mortgage and paid off my brother within a few months. I'm not sure it would have been the same if he'd had to wait years for his share.