Bank of Mum & Dad - Fairness??

Spendless

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I have, in general terms, tried to be even handed with my children but on one occasion, a daughter had managed to accrue £10k of debt. Heavily pregnant with her first child, being chased (and tantamount to threatened) for repayment, her stress levels rocketed.

I chose to pay off the debt (which wiped out my savings) as an investment in the welfare of my soon-to-be-born grandchild but I then altered the bequests in my will so that, some day, each of my children will have received equal amounts.

I have always felt that playing favourites causes huge and lasting damage to relationships and it is something that I have knowingly guarded against all my adult life.

An issue I can see with this, is what if you need to go into a care home in your later years and your assets end up going in nursing fees?

MUM40

I have 3 daughters who all have been left a trust fund when they reached the age of 21.
The eldest two had had theirs
Dd1 received 9K
Dd2 received 11k
Dd3 still has 5 years to go, so will get ??? Amount
We decided that each DD will get 5K each, and the left over would be used for a family holiday which we have done
We wanted each child to have the same amount.

onomatopoeia99

My parents have always treated by brother and me the same, and lent (rather than given) us money. Last time for me would be about 20 years ago, when I'd just bought my first home with my ex and wanted to replace my nice but not very practical car with a dull but practical alternative as the ex came with two small children. My parents lent me about a third of the cost as I didn't have enough cash after the house purchase. I would have taken out a bank loan but they offered it interest free, so I paid them back by standing order over a year.

I wouldn't dream of asking nowadays, I'm 46! , but when it was at first house, finding myself in a family of four etc, things were a bit different and I was glad of their offer of help.

onlyroz

If you're talking about house deposits or loans to buy a car then it's only fair to treat your kids equally. However, there are circumstances where one child has a need that the other child will never experience - and so it seems a bit silly to throw money at the child who doesn't need it.


For example, my brother and his wife have received money to help with IVF costs. I have no need for such money and so I'm not resentful that he has got something that I haven't. On the other hand, my parents gave me more money to cover university costs because I went to uni in a more expensive area - and I'm pretty sure that my brother never went to our parents with his hand out asking for the difference to be made up.

picklekin

Its always rather irked me that my sister gets a LOT, and myself very little. She is soooo disorganised with money and is always having accidents etc. I'm careful and save, and get no help. I'm proud that I manage alone, but sometimes it does bother me that she gets so much (a new kitchen, a new car, an extension).

HappyMJ

MUM40 wrote: »

I have 3 daughters who all have been left a trust fund when they reached the age of 21.
The eldest two had had theirs
Dd1 received 9K
Dd2 received 11k
Dd3 still has 5 years to go, so will get ??? Amount
We decided that each DD will get 5K each, and the left over would be used for a family holiday which we have done
We wanted each child to have the same amount.

The value of money changes over time so the £9k may have been worth the same as £11k a few years later.

It's a difficult question really. I wouldn't want to give money to discourage them from saving for themselves and I wouldn't want to seen as providing for their needs into their late 20's when there are benefits available to claim. I will house my daughter for as long as she needs or until she marries or has a child but I do expect her to pay towards the household expenses if she's staying in the family home and working. I would expect her to move out as soon as she could and if she can prove to me that she can save and pay the deposit, the first months rent and fees on a rental property then I would assist her to furnish it if she needs it.

bouicca21

Jimmythewig, in my case yes it's an age gap thing, they are both sensible with money. Both have good jobs but are tied by those jobs to London, where even earning well doesn't get a big enough mortgage.

There are so many ways of looking at it. Older sibling bought at £X and because of daft price rises the property is now worth at least £y. Younger one will obviously have to spend £y to get something similar.

I could think of the money in terms of percentages - gifting the same percentage of purchase price. I could think of it in terms of my gift has enabled the older one to make a massive capital gain, which (presuming London prices are reaching a ceiling) the younger one won't make, so a bigger gift to the younger one is justified.

It comes down to purchasing power versus actual figures.

And yes the only way to make up my mind is to talk it through with them.

Spendless

onlyroz wrote: »

However, there are circumstances where one child has a need that the other child will never experience - and so it seems a bit silly to throw money at the child who doesn't need it.


For example, my brother and his wife have received money to help with IVF costs. I have no need for such money and so I'm not resentful that he has got something that I haven't. On the other hand, my parents gave me more money to cover university costs because I went to uni in a more expensive area - and I'm pretty sure that my brother never went to our parents with his hand out asking for the difference to be made up.

I agree with this. We currently pay for our youngest to do extra curricular activities outside of school because it will help towards the career path she wants to go down, which is a difficult one to get into.

This would have been available to our eldest had he wanted to go down a particular route and participating in certain things would have helped, indeed we did do it for a short while, till he changed his mind about what he wanted to do job wise.

So currently we pay a far whack out for DD but not for DS. I don't give him £x just because his sister has had the same spent on her that week. At a later stage in life he may need some financial assistance and the same will apply to his sister. She won't be getting something just because we are helping her brother at that point.

goodwithsaving

Keep it fair, even and avoid sibling rifts. One sibling may have a good job and have done better for themselves, but they shouldn't be penalised for it. Speaking from experience, it creates a lot of resentment.

jackyann

We have kept a tally of major gifts (or their equivalent in kind). They are written down formally, and when our will is executed, will be put into "hotch-pot" to even up (love that term!)

I think it is important to talk openly about what your values are & what your reasoning is.

We have chosen to treat all kids equally in the long run, whilst making gifts as needed in the short term. Of course, this relies on there being enough left in the estate, and we do keep an eye on that.

We have also recently had a discussion saying that our focus will pass to the next generation (like paddy's mum we would wish to consider the young children).

However, openness is very important. Our children know that, for example, we would not wish to fund private education. That might lead to a dilemma in some circumstances - we would aim to be as fair as possible, but we're not perfect.

We are able to help with childcare for one branch of our family. Geographically that won't be possible with another. We are discussing whether to give them some money to account for that or not, given other factors.

We just do the best we can, and certainly our kids are grateful that we are doing anything at all!