Bank of Mum & Dad - Fairness??

Sea_Shell

Hi all. I'm sure many of you have stepped in as Bank of Mum & Dad (or Gran & Grandad, Auntie & Uncle), but how fair have you been, between 2 or more children/relations??

If you had £10k that you were able/willing to 'gift' and 1 child needed it (eg. a new car), would you gift it all to them, because they asked/needed it now, or would you ensure it was shared equally? What if child 2 also needed £10k next year - hard cheese? Would you give £5k and keep back £5k for child 2?

Would you give money on a 'first ask, first get" basis, or based on financial 'need'?

Have you been the recipient of their cash and felt guilty for getting the money, with none left for your sibling when they needed it?

Be interested to know your thoughts and experiences, as from reading on here, we all know how easy it is to fall out over money!! (leaving aside other considerations like IHT/Dep of Assets/Wills and the like)

Cheers

Guest101

Totally depend on where they were in life.


Assuming all children were adults, it would come down to who would be trustworthy with the money and who needed it.


So if 1 child had a well paid career (like a doctor for example) I would consider them to be trustworthy, but not require the money (obviously there are other things to build trust, im keeping it simple)


Whilst if my other child had a drug problem and no job, they would certain be in need, but completely untrustworthy.


Whilst perhaps if theyd just graduated and were working entry level job, I would consider them to be both.

tea_lover

No one needs £10k for a new car.

Sea_Shell

The £10k car was just an example....i could have said £50k for a house deposit or £500 for a new home appliance, the questions are the same.

It's view on what is people think is fair that i'm after.

bouicca21

Fairness has been bothering me. I gave one some money towards a deposit but that was before property prices rocketed. The other one is just getting to think about buying, but to put her in the same buying position as the sibling would require at least twice as much (probably more) to be gifted.

As it happens my circumstances have changed and I could afford to give her that much. On one level this would be fair; but in terms of actual cash it looks as though they are being treated differently so not fair. I'm in a quandary ...

Flyonthewall

Sea_Shell wrote: »

The £10k car was just an example....i could have said £50k for a house deposit or £500 for a new home appliance, the questions are the same.

It's view on what is people think is fair that i'm after.

If they need £50k for a house deposit they can't afford the house.

With all examples the amount is more what they want rather than need. If you're giving a £10k example for a car which is far above what anyone needs to spend on a car the same can be said for the other examples.

£10k for a car, no, buy a cheaper car. £500 for an appliance, get a cheaper one.

So based on that, I'd split the money between the two (assuming that they were both trustworthy and hadn't just wasted all their own money on stupid things knowing there was something they actually needed). It wouldn't be fair to favour one over the other just because one wants it now when you know the other will want it too.

Even if you didn't know the other would want something the fair thing to do would still be to say that as you're giving them money as a gift it's only right you give the other some too, especially when you're talking about £10k, and the only fair way is an equal split.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

Apart from the gross discrepancy in tooth fairy money (I got 20p per tooth; my brother is only two years younger and got A WHOLE POUND each time), my parents have always been scrupulously fair in splitting gifts.

My brother doesn't earn that much, and they bought him a new car when his was falling apart and he needed transport for his job, but gave me the exact equivalent which I put in my deposit saving account.

It sounds absurdly business-like, but you probably need to keep records of all cash gifts to avoid any awkward accusations of unfairness. If you have £10k that's burning a hole in your pocket, split it equally between saving accounts for each offspring and distribute as you see fit.

tykesi

The way it works in my family is that anything one person gets the other gets exactly the same.

The two recipients are me and my brother, he earns (I'm guessing) nearly four times what I do but if he (married with a child) gets it, I get the same (with girlfriend but not financially dependent on each other) and vice versa.

Not saying this is right or wrong but it's how we do it and it works fine.

GwylimT

I think need is more important than fairness. We are lucky as for most of our childrens lives we could afford to put their child benefit into a savings account, this they are able to access at 21, but depending on the need we would release some funds earlier. Our oldest used his as part of his house deposit.

Our youngest is disabled so extra money saved is mainly for him, he wont be able to work etc, but he will need to have some funds to ensure he always receives good quality care, and so if he wants he can buy the odd luxury.

tykesi

Flyonthewall wrote: »

If they need £50k for a house deposit they can't afford the house.

With all examples the amount is more what they want rather than need. If you're giving a £10k example for a car which is far above what anyone needs to spend on a car the same can be said for the other examples.

£10k for a car, no, buy a cheaper car. £500 for an appliance, get a cheaper one.

So based on that, I'd split the money between the two (assuming that they were both trustworthy and hadn't just wasted all their own money on stupid things knowing there was something they actually needed). It wouldn't be fair to favour one over the other just because one wants it now when you know the other will want it too.

Even if you didn't know the other would want something the fair thing to do would still be to say that as you're giving them money as a gift it's only right you give the other some too, especially when you're talking about £10k, and the only fair way is an equal split.

What if it neither what they want OR need but a case of what is being offered? You're making the recipients out to be some sort of money grabbing shysters when that might not (and probably isn't) the case!

Tigsteroonie

I have been blessed by the Bank of Mum & Dad; and have never really wondered whether my brother has been similarly blessed - that is their decision to make, not mine.

I do however wonder whether the generosity of the Bank is affected by the relationship between parents & child, how often they visit, remember birthdays etc.