Bank of Mum & Dad - Fairness??

pollypenny

We helped both with deposits. Each has had an old car past on to them.
As DD is in this country she's possibly had a bit more in the way of odd things, such as when her car was going to be towed away so we paid the fee.

On the other hand, when we go to the USA when needed for childcare help it cost us about £2000 each time.

How many can afford to give £50,000 for a deposit?

tea_lover

Financially we've received very similar over the years - mainly support at uni and some help with house deposits. My parents have also provided a lot of free childcare and support to my sister over the last 13 years - we were joking the other day about how large the invoice would be! I don't begrudge a second/penny of it. I know they'd do the same for me if I'd have been in that situation.

JimmyTheWig

I don't think that you can do anything other than give equally.
If the better off sibling is able and willing to gift (some of) their share to the one that needs it then perfect all round. But that's a question for the siblings rather than the parents.

Izadora

My parents (well, mum really as she's responsible for most of their finances) have always been as fair as they can but would help out more in terms of need than equal monetary value.

When my brother was out of a work for a while it cost my mum a fortune to keep a roof over his head and she often commented that she felt bad that she couldn't offer the same amount to me. I pointed out that me living with them while I paid off my debts saved me far more in rent than she'd given to my brother, even if there wasn't an actual financial cost to her.

Flyonthewall

tykesi wrote: »

What if it neither what they want OR need but a case of what is being offered? You're making the recipients out to be some sort of money grabbing shysters when that might not (and probably isn't) the case!

I answered based on the OP.

Sea_Shell wrote: »

Would you give money on a 'first ask, first get" basis, or based on financial 'need'?

If neither wanted or needed it the last part of my post should make it obvious what I think would be fair.

"Even if you didn't know the other would want something the fair thing to do would still be to say that as you're giving them money as a gift it's only right you give the other some too, especially when you're talking about £10k, and the only fair way is an equal split."

Both should get an equal split. If it should be equal when one or both want it it's obviously going to be equal when neither want or need it and you're giving it as a gift.

It'd be really stupid if you tried to be fair when only one or both needed it and then suddenly favoured one over the other when neither needed it! :rotfl:

JimmyTheWig

bouicca21 wrote: »

Fairness has been bothering me. I gave one some money towards a deposit but that was before property prices rocketed. The other one is just getting to think about buying, but to put her in the same buying position as the sibling would require at least twice as much (probably more) to be gifted.

As it happens my circumstances have changed and I could afford to give her that much. On one level this would be fair; but in terms of actual cash it looks as though they are being treated differently so not fair. I'm in a quandary ...

That's a really interesting dilemma.
What constitutes treating them equally here?

[I'm assuming that the time difference in buying a property is due to an age gap (or something like longer time training). if the second sibling is only buying now because they've travelled the world for 5 years then that's different.]

I'd be tempted to give the second sibling what's needed to be in the same buying position. Anything less would seem unfair.
I'd then give the first sibling half the difference in cash. No real logic. It just seems like the right thing to do.


Would you be able to have a sensible discussion about it with your children? If the first sibling thought it entirely fair to give the second sibling the same percentage, or the second sibling thought it entirely fair to give them the same number of pounds, then you don't have a dilemma.

duchy

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

I have been blessed by the Bank of Mum & Dad; and have never really wondered whether my brother has been similarly blessed - that is their decision to make, not mine.
.

I'm the same
I know my parents have helped us both out at different times and I assume/calculate that over the years it roughly balanced out. However it's not any of my business if they helped him out and vice versa and there was no need for me to be told if they had helped him, what for or how much. Not my business.

At certain times over the years it certainly wasn't equal but there was no resentment on my side - My parents didn't have any obligation to give me any financial accounting - any gifts or loans are between the parents and the child they are helping and no business of the other siblings. If parents have allowed an environment where their adult children can question the parent's financial decisions then that's the parent's funeral for not teaching their kids respect.

fairy_lights

My parents helped me out last year with the deposit for a house. They didn't help my older sister when she bought a house a few years before, because her and her partner were older and had a lot more in savings as well as more established careers, so didn't need the help. My brother hasn't bought yet, and if he does buy in the next few years they won't be able to give him the same level of financial support they gave me - but he lives in London, and although the amount they gave me for a deposit was a major help (living in the !!!! end of nowhere) it wouldn't get him very far at all. Plus my brother is building a pretty successful career and has much higher earning potential than me or my partner.
My siblings know our parents gave me a significant portion of my deposit but it's never really come up in conversation. There are no hard feelings and none of us have ever felt like we had a right to financial help from our parents, our circumstances are all very different so it just makes sense that we would get different levels of support.

paddy's_mum

I have, in general terms, tried to be even handed with my children but on one occasion, a daughter had managed to accrue £10k of debt. Heavily pregnant with her first child, being chased (and tantamount to threatened) for repayment, her stress levels rocketed.

I chose to pay off the debt (which wiped out my savings) as an investment in the welfare of my soon-to-be-born grandchild but I then altered the bequests in my will so that, some day, each of my children will have received equal amounts.

I have always felt that playing favourites causes huge and lasting damage to relationships and it is something that I have knowingly guarded against all my adult life.

DevilsAdvocate1

I'm an only child, so I guess not an issue. Plus, until very recently (last month), my parents have never given me anything.

My husband is one of three. Again, we've never had anything from his parents, but I know that his brother has had money over the years and think his sister has too. There's no issue with this. We both work and earn a good wage. His brother has problems which has resulted in him being unable to work and his wife is his carer. His sister has a good job but no partner, so lives on her own.

What would the point be of his parents giving us money (which would be useful but not really needed) and then giving less to his brother (because less is now available) who does really need it?

Doesn't make sense to me.

What upsets me more, is that they see far more of his sister's dog than our children. They visit us for perhaps half an hour a week and not every week. They rarely take our children out, only if we ask them to (and even then they will cancel if the dog needs them). Think the dog is a substitute grandchild :rotfl: