Bank of Mum & Dad - Fairness??

balletshoes

Sea_Shell wrote: »

Hi all. I'm sure many of you have stepped in as Bank of Mum & Dad (or Gran & Grandad, Auntie & Uncle), but how fair have you been, between 2 or more children/relations??

If you had £10k that you were able/willing to 'gift' and 1 child needed it (eg. a new car), would you gift it all to them, because they asked/needed it now, or would you ensure it was shared equally? What if child 2 also needed £10k next year - hard cheese? Would you give £5k and keep back £5k for child 2?

Would you give money on a 'first ask, first get" basis, or based on financial 'need'?

Have you been the recipient of their cash and felt guilty for getting the money, with none left for your sibling when they needed it?

Be interested to know your thoughts and experiences, as from reading on here, we all know how easy it is to fall out over money!! (leaving aside other considerations like IHT/Dep of Assets/Wills and the like)

Cheers

hopefully you'll clarify this - but no-one needs 10k for a new car.

As this isn't a real need, but you want to gift, between 2 children, I'd gift them the same share in the scenario you describe.

Sea_Shell

Duchy - what if it was wildly disproportionate, would you honestly not feel the slightest bit dis-inherited if you knew?

choccyface2006

I have a wedding fund for each of my two daughters but the eldest needed a new car and was considering a loan. Since she wasn't considering getting wed anytime in the next few years and her younger sister who was still at school certainly wasn't we decided I'd lend her the collective savings and she pays me back instead of the bank.


A year down the line and it's working well, she's never failed to pay and usually pays more than agreed, it will take another two years to pay back the full amount but I'm confident she will.


If my second daughter needs to borrow money and I have it of course I'll do the same, although her elder sister might have got married by that stage so she might not have the benefit of her money too, I'll somehow make sure she doesn't miss out though.


My parents had very small wedding funds for me and my siblings, I needed it waaaay before I got married but wasn't allowed whereas my siblings all had theirs when they bought houses and then again when they got married! Not very fair but my parents didn't have vast amounts of money when I got married (I was the first by a large margin) and became more comfortably off as the years rolled on.


Sarah

balletshoes

The bank of mum and dad has been a loan-giver to me and my siblings (there are 4 of us) over the years. No gifts of any significant amounts of money to any of us as far as I'm aware, but to be honest, if for example my brother was in financial difficulty and my mum decided to bail him out with her money, well its her money, her decision, its nothing to do with me.
I don't need her money, so whatever she chooses to do with it is up to her. I wouldn't feel cheated or disinherited or treated unfairly etc - its not my money.

Sea_Shell

All really interesting mix of views. Some in favour of equal splits and some not. I'll pose some responces when i have more time.

lulu_92

The four of us get everything equally.

We got the same amount upon finishing university, which worked out to about £2k. I was told I could spend this on what I wanted so I bought my first car. My sister and step-sister did the same.

My step-brother is going to uni in London, whereas the rest of us stayed local so he will probably get more help, although none of us will begrudge our parents for doing so as we appreciate how much more expensive uni will be for him.

My sister is getting married next week and my parents gave a certain amount, which is what the other three of us will receive when we choose to get married.

I'm having twins and they have offered to buy certain items we need. I know they will do the same when the other three start having kids.

My parents offered the three above examples to us, we never ask for a penny. I think the biggest loan I've ever asked my mum for is £50, which was paid back two days later.

Anatidaephobia

I think my parents are very fair. They gifted me some money to top up what I had already saved for a house deposit. They haven't given my brother the same amount or any money to match this but have made it clear that when he buys a house, they will give him money towards his deposit as well. At the moment, he still lives at home and shows no sign of leaving! I think this is better than giving him the same money at the same time because it would be a time in his life where he didn't need it and would probably end up spending bits and pieces of it on other things. My parents are clear that they're not gifting us random money, it's for a specific purpose therefore they give it to us at the relevant time.

There was also an occasion where my car kept breaking down and I needed to buy a new one; they unexpectedly told me that they would give me approx £1500 towards it. The reason was that the previous year my brother had needed to replace his car and they had given him some money to help him do this (certainly not the £10k mentioned in the first post!).

firebird082

It's a bit of an odd one - there's two of us, my brother is older, has always been more sensible with money, has much higher earnings (about 4x mine). I'm absolutely certain that up 'til now I've had more financial support from Mum and Dad than he has. They helped us out with a house deposit same as they did for him, but there's been lots of other little things with me. Additionally, we are getting married this year, and they have given us money towards that. There's no point them giving the equivalent money to my brother as he has no requirement for it, but when he does have a requirement at a different time, they would happily help out then. They've always tried to be equal and fair over the long term, but as always, circumstances don't necessarily help with that...

itsanne

This is a problem which caused us some considerable angst because we wanted to treat our three equally. However, in terms of long term need, the one who will have less because his siblings have a much greater earning potential is the one we now don't treat equally. We give him less because money goes through his fingers like water, including in ways which are damaging to him. We have money, most of which he does not know about, set aside for him but won't necessarily top it up when we give to the others. (When we die he will get the same as his siblings as anything else would be bound to feel a rejection, but it will be via a trust fund in an attempt to avoid harm.)

Where the other two are concerned, 'need' comes into play but only in so far as timing is concerned. Overall the intention is to give to both equally.

Tigsteroonie

duchy wrote: »

At certain times over the years it certainly wasn't equal but there was no resentment on my side

It's definitely not an equal division from the Bank of Marley's Mum - one daughter (and her children) have received far more than the two sons. Sometimes it's sneaky little things, like going out shopping as a group and then saying "Nanna will pay for it". Still no resentment though