Money Moral Dilemma: Should we pay for our daughter's wedding?

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  • ajbisgr8
    ajbisgr8 Posts: 176 Forumite
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    Under no circumstances should you get yourself into debt to pay for a wedding, just because you think it is what is 'expected' of you. Decide what you want to contribute, and this doesnt have to be every spare penny you have, and either offer the cash or offer to arrange an element of the wedding. Be upfront about it so the couple know where they stand and what budget they have to work within. Contributions from parents are no doubt very much appreciated, but they should never be expected, and if the couple want to spend more than the budget they can decide whether its the wedding that is important or the marriage and act accordingly.
  • REJP
    REJP Posts: 325 Forumite
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    Your daughter and fianc! know your circumstances, simply discuss the problem with them and contribute only what you can afford and definitely do not get into debt just to pay what you cannot afford. A loving daughter should understand your difficulties.
  • TBagpuss
    TBagpuss Posts: 11,204 Forumite
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    It's no longer common for the bride's parents to pay for everything. I'm not sure who the 'everyone' is who are looking to you to pay for the whole thing, but it isn't really the business of anyone other than you and your daughter and son-in-law-to-be.

    I'd suggest that you decide what you can afford, in cash terms , then sit down with your daughter and her fiance and let them know how much you can afford to give them, and that you can't afford to increase that or pay for more.

    I'd suggest that you let them know thaat you will give them that money and then leave it them to decide what to spend it on, and what sort of wedding they want.

    If you are able to offer any other practical help (e.g. baking a cake) then let them know about that, too.

    They can then decide what they want.
    All posts are my personal opinion, not formal advice Always get proper, professional advice (particularly about anything legal!)
  • rafthorney
    rafthorney Posts: 23 Forumite
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    I keep telling my daughters that getting married somewhere abroad would be nice so we can all have a holiday!
  • Bellisima
    Bellisima Posts: 150 Forumite
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    We got married without telling anyone apart from my cousin and her husband who were the witnesses. We had a fab day. I suffer from anxiety so the thought of being the centre of attention at a big wedding ceremony made me feel sick. We had a party at our house a month later for close friends and family. Mum and dad gave us a cheque for £2000 which went towards a deposit on our house (it was 1988!). I think these huge expensive weddings are unaffordable for most and is just showing off. It seems the bigger the wedding, the sooner they break up.
  • maisie_cat
    maisie_cat Posts: 2,068 Forumite
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    When we got married there was no expectation of a parental contribution, we'd lived together for years anyway so we had a relatively simple no presents wedding. In the end we received £450 from the parents/step parents so we bought a complete set of nice crockery
  • MrJester
    MrJester Posts: 1,015 Forumite
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    In my view it baffles me why people expect the daughters' parents to cough up for such an expensive, and often unnecessarily so, occasion. If you want to get married, pay for it yourself.

    If parents want to chip in, split the costs between everyone then by all means. Maybe some family members have more disposable money than others, if so then maybe they want to put up more cash for it, but it is completely and utterly entirely their own decision.
  • Madamekifkif
    Madamekifkif Posts: 1 Newbie
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    I got married a year ago. My parents are pensioners and my husband's parents have one income. We saved up, both sets of parents gave contributions and we asked guests to give us money towards our honeymoon instead of gifts as we were co-habiting any way so had pretty much everything we needed. We shopped around different venues and even councils as the ceremony fees vary considerably! We asked friends and family to help contribute services such as wedding planning, cake, flowers, making up favours & table decorations and I had my outfit made very cheaply by a vendor on Etsy. We got my husband's suit nearly new on Ebay auction and my wedding shoes were from Ebay auction too! We had a super day and honeymoon and are not in any debt! Our honeymoon was budgeted from the exact amount we got as gifts and we went on honeymoon 7 months after our wedding to get the best deal! We managed to keep the whole thing well under 10k which was our budget maximum!
    Hope this helps! Xxx
  • shylockinadress
    shylockinadress Posts: 15 Forumite
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    It seems to me that the bigger the wedding the shorter the marriage.
    Too many couples get so sidetracked by bigger, better, flashier weddings that they lose sight of the real meaning of a marriage.
    I would have thought that any daughter would be aware of her parent's financial state and have the forethought to plan her wedding accordingly.
  • warby68
    warby68 Posts: 3,022 Forumite
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    Nope, not sure who it is who is looking at you to pay - perhaps its more like hoping you will ;)

    Unless there has been some prior understanding with parents, then the cost of a wedding should fall first to the bride and groom these days with any offers to help with the cost gratefully and graciously received.

    Even if you want to pay, there is no obligation whatsoever to pay more than you can afford or want to and shame on any daughter who would let you. This also applies to the semi-blackmail of option of 'his parents will pay £x if you will too'

    I think some cultures still do things a certain way but if this applied I think the parents asking the question would know already.

    Time to talk to the bride and groom.
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