Money Moral Dilemma: Should we pay for our daughter's wedding?

UsOrThem

Its seems these days there is confusion between traditional and modern wedding practices, in that the couple often pick and choose practices and expectations to their benefit at the guilt of the parents.
Unless you are following a 100% traditional approach, thats everything from not cohabiting before marriage to invites being sent from the bride's parents and them planning the wedding then you can't expect the bride's parents to foot the bill as once was the way.
Modern weddings are a very different situation, with couples in different life stages than they once were, with input from all sides and often the couple dictating how they want to run the day. Contributions can be asked for but neither side should feel they have to 'match'. The couple should do what THEY can afford and any help from parents is a bonus. If they can't afford to stump up the cash why should the parents risk debt in their place?
As my dad told me and my wife after he gifted us some money, 'the rest is up to you cut your cloth accordingly'.

gloriouslyhappy

Teacher2 wrote: »

In my own case my daughter wanted a very fancy do but her DF and I said we couldn't fund a ridiculously toppy wedding as he's just been made redundant and I am retired on a small pension. We said we would give her £5000 - which I think is extremely generous - and her finance's family are giving her the same. What a lucky girl. However, she wants a
'statement' coastal wedding and she and the fiance are going to add another £5000 to that to pay for it.

A very lucky girl indeed, with £15,000 to spend on a wedding! And by the time you've given them the £5,000 you promised, paid for your outfits & hair, travel to the coastal location, accommodation and meals, airport parking etc etc etc, you'll be closer to doubling up on your initial £5,000 gift. And all this while managing to cope with redundancy and a small pension. Worth repeating that your daughter really is a very lucky girl!

seven-day-weekend

If you want to pay, then pay for what you can afford, and if that is a basic wedding in a registry office, sobeit. Explain that is what you can afford. If they want anything fancier, then they can raise the funds themselves.

hannerrbabes

Get a grip. It’s 2017.

hannerrbabes

gloriouslyhappy wrote: »

A very lucky girl indeed, with £15,000 to spend on a wedding! And by the time you've given them the £5,000 you promised, paid for your outfits & hair, travel to the coastal location, accommodation and meals, airport parking etc etc etc, you'll be closer to doubling up on your initial £5,000 gift. And all this while managing to cope with redundancy and a small pension. Worth repeating that your daughter really is a very lucky girl!

You think outfits, hair, travel, accommodation, etc, will total another £5,000?! What planet are you from?!

ska_lover

I don't think this is the expectation these days - If you can, and want to , you could contribute but I don't think I know anyone whose parents paid for the whole thing

Mojisola

We got married in the early 1980s and didn't expect our parents to pay for the day!

They did chip in by paying for certain things but it was our decision to get married and our responsibility to pay for it.

sheramber

My parents gave us a sum of money for the wedding expenses and anything over we had to pay ourselves.

Give them what you can afford and let them do the rest.

djewkes

When my eldest daughter got married we did a 3 way split with the grooms parents and the happy couple, we did it on a budget and it cost us in the region of £1500......I knew people who did us cheap stationary, cake, buffet and photography etc.....brilliant day...
A few years later my son got married and we paid for cake, flowers and a few other things....her grandad had left her money to pay for the wedding and so we just made a contribution...
A few years later youngest daughter announced she was getting married and wanted a big church “do”, I asked who was paying and they looked at us in expectation, they were already living together and had a young child, I said we were happy to contribute but couldn’t afford to foot the whole bill, I asked if they had asked his parents (stunned silence), offered to pay for a a reception at home, suggested they have a small do and we’d pay for a meal for a dozen or so, and offered again a contribution equivalent to what we had done for her sister........9 years later they have 2 more sons and are still not married.....
OP you have my sympathy, make an offer of a contribution you can afford and stick to your guns......

meknowalot-51

Yes,their attitude is old fashioned and no you shouldn't pay up.As a parent your there to educate,tell them you can't afford anything too expensive as you haven't got the money.Let them know what you can afford so you can all work together to make their day a happy occasion for all.Have they actually asked you to cover the cost?,or is all this you panicking and assuming the worst?