Money Moral Dilemma: Should we pay for our daughter's wedding?

olliedog

When I was planning my wedding 42 years ago, my mother gave me a figure they could afford to spend on our wedding. Every time something was bought or ordered, the cost would come off the balance. Any overspend was expected to be paid for by me. My husband had just left university and had only been working for 3 months, so had no spare money. I am pleased to say we came in below budget.

Of course weddings were so much cheaper then!

When my two sons married we paid the same amount towards each of their weddings.

Tell the happy couple what you can afford.....if they go over, it's up to them to pay.

Ageing_hippy

When our daughter got married we paid for most of it but we made it clear from the outset what we were going to pay. They chose and paid for the photographer and everything else came to about £6000. She had a fabulous wedding in a barn used for such events and the reception was in a village hall in idyllic surroundings. We had a hog roast and barn dance. Her dress was made by a dressmaker which we chose because my daughter couldn't see a dress she liked at the time. Not only was it a one off, it actually worked out cheaper. We decorated the hall ourselves and hired tablecloths. A friend did the floral decorations. I also made the deserts. We also made the wedding invitations and even had some homemade wine which I made labels for with their photo onwith date of wedding. My son in law persuaded his parents to pay for the fizz. The local bonfire society provided the bar in the evening. They didn't charge for their services but make money for the society from the alcohol sold. If we had spent 3 times that amount she wouldn't have had a better day. In short, let your daughter know what contribution you can make and look at where you can save money but still have a fabulous day.

julie777

GETTING MARRIED NEED NOT BE EXPENSIVE.
What is essential really? Licence, ring, registrar, room.
Anything else is a bonus. Even back in 1984 we did not expect our parents to pay for anything! We were not wealthy but a couple should start as they mean to go on by living within their means.
I can highly recommend asking guests to bring a dish and have a nice relaxed buffet which costs you nothing!

Wonky_Teacup

It's outdated to look to the parent's of the bride as those funding a wedding by default.
The couple should pay for it themselves - if they can only afford something basic and want something more lavish, then wait and save.
Keep it small, registry office then go grab lunch somewhere - it doesn't need to cost an arm and a leg (a wedding dress/suit isn't essential, grab something nice and re-wearable from the highstreet. There is a wealth of beautiful wedding bands on places like Amazon for a real steal. The "meal" doesn't have to be a 3 course dinner, it could be a light lunch of an afternoon tea sort of thing.)

It's about the marriage, not the wedding.

AndyBSG

In this day and age anyone who expects the brides parents to foot the bill is completely out of touch in all honesty.

My wife and I paid for our wedding ourselves, although my wife's parents did buy the dress and my parents paid for the honeymoon.

Both of those were viewed by us as bonuses as we had no expectation that either set of parents would contribute.

Ziggazee

Nip things in the bud early on. Decide how much you can afford/want to pay and approach your daughter and tell her you'll gift them that much towards the wedding.


I got married last year. I certainly didn't expect my father to pay anything at all, but he offered to pay £2,000 towards the cost. It was very much appreciated. We didn't want an OTT wedding and we had an amazing beautiful wedding in a local country house that I'd always loved for just under £5,000. It was honestly the best day of our lives.


If couples today want big fancy weddings costing in excess of £30k I'm afraid they need to be prepared to pay for it themselves.

jackyann

There's a lot of good suggestions here bout how to plan a wedding, but the issue is not what OP wants or thinks is reasonable.
We told our children years ago how much money they could expect to be gifted for either a wedding, or a house deposit. After that, up to them and the other side's family.
My only suggestion to OP is to do the sums, work out what you are prepared to pay, taking into account how you want to treat other children, then inform the couple.
Given the situation now, I suggest naming a sum, then keep well away from how they choose to spend it. Families who 'are on the same page' can say 'I'll pay for the food, wine, whatever' but otherwise it causes rifts, as does any agreement about splitting costs.

I have struggled to forgive a young family member who, knowing her parents' budget, put them on the spot over a 3 way split as she piled on the 'extras'.

silvercar

I have struggled to forgive a young family member who, knowing her parents' budget, put them on the spot over a 3 way split as she piled on the 'extras'.

A 3 way limitless split? Recipe for disaster.

I have a friend whose son is marrying a girl from a family that can afford (and intend to) make their daughter a very lavish wedding. They are happy to foot the bill. All good until the friend has been given a limited number of invites and can't afford to pay for more.

helcat26

We paid for our own wedding.
EVERYONE thanked my Mum and Dad!:rotfl:


Just thought it was funny. We were grown up, earning a decent salary I would not have expected anyone else to pay.


Also it let us control the "you have to invite (insert name relative you have never seen in your life)"


And we got what we wanted- married in a pub in Cheshire, lots of friends, no guilt.

kate5930

My parents had already contributed to the deposit of our house so any wedding would be on us.
They did contribute to the catering, cake and flowers but this was a bonus and not expected.
No, you should not be expected to pay, you should give what you can afford. It is easy to want when it is not you putting your hand in your pocket.
We had a fabulous day, church with bells, choir, organ and soloist. Local town hall for the reception, local caterers. 120 in the day and 200 on the night. We provided the wine for the table.
Friends helped with the tables and decorations - car boot, charity shops and ebay.
Including rings, outfits and contributions, the total was just under £7500.00
Everyone said what a fantastic day it was, I for one would not change a thing.