Money Moral Dilemma: Should we pay for our daughter's wedding?

MSE_Sarah

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

Our daughter has announced she's getting married next year and we're really worried about the cost. It seems that everyone is looking at us as the bride's parents to pay for a spectacular do, with the responsibility on us rather than the groom's parents or the happy couple. We have limited income and don't want to be embarrassed or forced into debt to meet everyone's expectations. Is their attitude old-fashioned or should we accept it and pay up?

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Techno

My parents were also on a limited income so we paid for most of our wedding ourself but as we had lived together for a while we asked for contributions instead of presents so the best man's dad took the photos, a cousin who was a DJ did the evening reception and videoed the wedding, an Aunty sorted the cake and so on. We had tha daytime reception in a hotel but hired the rugby club for the evening do and everyone chipped in providing and preparing the food, running it down to the club and setting up. We also got some monetary contributions for the honeymoon. A fab day was had by all and we didn't bankrupt mum and dad!

You need to have a serious conversation with daughter re her expectations and your budget!

System

When our daughter got married we gave them £2,000 towards it and our future Son In Laws parents matched it.

sulphate

I think it's quite old fashioned these days to expect the bride's parents to pay for everything unless they are happy and able to do so.

Have a chat with your daughter and explain that you are only prepared and able to pay £x.

Do you have other children? - bear in mind you may be expected to be fair to them if they ever get married.

irishwench69

You say that to you, it seems everyone is looking at you, as the brides parents, to pay. But what does your daughter (and soon to be son in law!) say about it? They may have saved, they may only want a small wedding. No way of knowing without speaking to them directly.

I got married earlier this year. As we have been together for a few years and are pretty comfortable, we paid for 99% ourselves, having saved (we knew a wedding was going to be in our future!) Only thing we didn't pay for was our main wedding cake, which my lovely in-laws insisted on paying for, which was much appreciated! (they had made similar contributions for my husband's older brother and older sister, at their weddings).

This also meant we could have the wedding WE wanted, without the emotional blackmail, mind games and high emotions that can accompany these occasions! It was right for us and we wouldn't change a thing.

Going back to your situation, I'm sure your daughter would understand your situation and would rather you were just straight with her. She probably already knows!

One other point though. Be careful if you have other children, particularly if you've not or don't plan on doing the same thing for all. From the child's perspective, unfair or unequal treatment can be worse than not doing anything, particularly if you can make up for not making a financial contribution but showing support in other ways.....

IW x

RichardGB

The most spectacular wedding we've seen was in a clearing in some woods! I'm sure it was the cheapest venue as well. So the most spectacular and the most memorable doesn't have to be expensive. Just think creatively.

Tinks74

Your daughter should know that you are on a limited income, she is your daughter after all.
Talk to her, I can't overstate this, talk to her and her partner and explain, nicely, that you haven't got the money to fund an extravagant wedding.
Do this as soon as possible, as my partner would say "Manage their expectations".

If you have already contributed to other children's weddings in a way you are no longer able to replicate, you need to explain that, your daughter may feel upset but hopefully will understand that life happens and things change.

But a contribution does not have to be financial. There are many ways you could help without it costing money, your time can be invaluable!

My partner and I are getting married at the end of the month, we are paying for everything ourselves, no expectation of contribution from anyone else. We are having a wedding that matches our budget not some imagined "Perfect Wedding". We have carefully researched venues and services and have selected what will make our day special without breaking the bank.

silvercar

We were married in the 80s, my parents paid for virtually everything. My parents joked that when my daughter(s) married I would pay the bill. Luckily I only have boys!

Joking aside, 'he who pays the piper calls the tune'. If you are the one paying you decide, I have seen plenty three way arguments between the couple, parents and in-laws where one side wants something far more lavish than the other, but doesn't want to pay for it.

smsm1

When I got married a few years ago we used our savings to pay for it with no monetary contribution from the parents. We got married in the local registry office, hired a vintage bus to take people from there to the scout hall that we had hired. The food was a self serve buffet by a local organisation which employs and helps disabled people. With the photos various friends sent us the photos that they took. My wife's dress was from a charity shop, and the alterations cost more. The most expensive single item was my national dress kilt and all, which has been used at several other weddings and events since.

Total cost a few thousand, very relaxed atmosphere, and everyone enjoyed themselves. Weddings don't need to be expensive. Parents don't need to pay for them.

seren77

It's very old fashioned to expect the parents of the bride to pay. I paid half of my daughter's wedding last year as I couldn't afford more. I think I gave her £2,000, but I also gave her a small loan that she used for the wedding that they are paying me back monthly. If you can't afford it you can't afford it and no-one should be pressurising you into it. The groom's father also agreed to pay half and he ended up not paying one penny towards anything! Awful.

Marvel1

They want to get married, they pay for it.