Money Moral Dilemma: Should we pay for our daughter's wedding?

System

MSE_Sarah wrote: »

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

Our daughter has announced she's getting married next year and we're really worried about the cost. It seems that everyone is looking at us as the bride's parents to pay for a spectacular do, with the responsibility on us rather than the groom's parents or the happy couple. We have limited income and don't want to be embarrassed or forced into debt to meet everyone's expectations. Is their attitude old-fashioned or should we accept it and pay up?

I don't think I would dream of asking my parents to cough up for a lavish wedding.

Fireflyaway

I'm traditional and plan to pay for my daughters wedding just as my parents paid for mine. I'm hoping she will be considerate and make sensible choices, treating our money as she would her own. I guess problems could arise if she wants something lavish and you disagree on it. Could always give whatever you can afford then she will have to work out what she can do with that amount and top up herself if she wants.

Silverbird

Absolutely not! Don't pay a penny. It's up to people if they want to get married and you can do so at a low price. If they want an extravagant affair then they can fund it. I never expected my parents (or in-laws) to pay a penny. I couldn't have accepted it if they did.

jackyann

silvercar wrote: »

A 3 way limitless split? Recipe for disaster.

I have a friend whose son is marrying a girl from a family that can afford (and intend to) make their daughter a very lavish wedding. They are happy to foot the bill. All good until the friend has been given a limited number of invites and can't afford to pay for more.

Well, it wasn't supposed to be 'limitless' but pressure piled on, and yes, it was a recipe for a lot of disaster!

And I have to say that your friend's new in-laws sound quite mean. I have known a few old-fashioned, well off families who have paid for their daughter's wedding. They would have regarded that behaviour as deeply rude.
Of course, your friend would not expect to invite a large number of extended family members and overwhelm the family who are paying (though I have known that as well!) but it seems that your friend is in an uncomfortable position, and any thoughtful person would not wish to be part of that.

silvercar

jackyann wrote: »

Well, it wasn't supposed to be 'limitless' but pressure piled on, and yes, it was a recipe for a lot of disaster!

And I have to say that your friend's new in-laws sound quite mean. I have known a few old-fashioned, well off families who have paid for their daughter's wedding. They would have regarded that behaviour as deeply rude.
Of course, your friend would not expect to invite a large number of extended family members and overwhelm the family who are paying (though I have known that as well!) but it seems that your friend is in an uncomfortable position, and any thoughtful person would not wish to be part of that.

I can see it both ways.

1. Well off families have budgets too. If they want a princess wedding for their daughter, it's their choice. They probably think they are behaving very nicely in paying for the other side to have a reasonable number guests.

2. The groom's parents won't be able to have all the guests they would have liked had the wedding been a simpler affair.

I'm sure that on the day everyone will behave very nicely and no-one will feel left out. It's just one side will have many more guests than the other.

JanC_2

We contributed £10k each to both our daughters weddings and the in laws paid for the honeymoons. It's something we saved for from when they were born, this and their uni fees. We were not well off but just wanted to give them the best on their big day.

Although when we got married back in the 60s, a lot of our friends just had a quick register office ceremony and a take away from the local fish and chip shop afterwards, You 'cut your cloth according to your means', a lot of people want everything these days and get into a lot of debt doing it.

System

sulphate wrote: »

I think it's quite old fashioned these days to expect the bride's parents to pay for everything unless they are happy and able to do so.

Have a chat with your daughter and explain that you are only prepared and able to pay £x.

Do you have other children? - bear in mind you may be expected to be fair to them if they ever get married.

Yeah I agree. I think both sets of parents usually give the same, with perhaps happy couple chipping in one-third too

silvercar

I think it's quite old fashioned these days to expect the bride's parents to pay for everything unless they are happy and able to do so.

That is the problem. There are a whole generation of parents who had their parents' contribute the cost of their wedding and are now looking on that as old fashioned. At the same time as some are thinking they would pay for their children's wedding precisely because they had their own wedding paid for.

So the tradition depends on family norms, hence some have the expectation and some don't.

When someone with one tradition meets someone for whom that tradition has died out you end up with different expectations.

Land on MSE where the age diversity is relatively large and you get all opinions.

Add the complexity that a lot of people now don't believe that marriage is essential and the overall view veers towards it being an optional unnecessary expense.

System

Does it have to be one way or another?

My parents paid for what they could, the rest my husband and me paid for, the in-laws chipped in with paying for the photographer.

I know my parents aren't well off and didn't expect much. In-laws raised an eyebrow a bit that it wasn't ALL payed for like their daughters, none of their business though.

Red-Squirrel_2

Fireflyaway wrote: »

I'm traditional and plan to pay for my daughters wedding just as my parents paid for mine. I'm hoping she will be considerate and make sensible choices, treating our money as she would her own. I guess problems could arise if she wants something lavish and you disagree on it.

What if your daughter and her fiance want to be extravagant? Would you stand back and let them pay for it themselves?