Money Moral Dilemma: Should we pay for our daughter's wedding?

roslancaster

Hi, Im a single mum - my daughter got married earlier this year.

It never entered my head to pay for the wedding or even put money to it. And I dont even think it occurred to my daughter that i should. I personally think its a rather old-fashioned idea similar to 'dowries' that belongs to a past era. The cost of weddings is astronomical now. My daughter did hers on a strict budget of £4,000 (still massive in my eyes). I think if parents want to contribute and have the money, fair enough. But my suggestion would be that the parent contribute to some part of the wedding (dress, cake, flowers, food eg)

curlycat_2

These days unless your parents are very well off it's more normal for the happy couple to pay the majority with donations from family.

When we married we paid for a church wedding, local hall and buffet caterer. My parents donated new carpets for our new home (really appreciated and far more practical than paying for a wedding), My other half's offered and paid for bridesmaid dresses (they were her grandchildren) but they weren't ott. My wedding dress was actually sold as a bridesmaid dress - beautiful, different and a fraction of the price of a posh white one. A family friend did the photos at cost price (he was a keen photographer), my Mother made our cake.

It was really relaxed. Everybody had a wonderful time on the day and still talk about it.
Expensive weddings aren't required, it's the people who are there that make the day

Big_Ot

Unless you're very wealthy, get married in a registry office, invite close friends/relatives to a pub lunch and spend more on your future. It's what we did forty years ago. Still no regrets.

Coconut01

Its their wedding they should pay for it. If you can afford to contribute or to buy something then thats up to you.

AylesburyDuck

If my daughters want a registry office wedding and a bun fight in the back garden (which is what i got and was fabulous) then totally happy to pay, if not then they will get a contribution towards only.
That said, my daughter have been brought up to NOT think the wedding is the ultimate prize, the man is the ultimate prize.

Teacher2

In the old days a man supported a stay at home wife and their children and a dowry and the bride's parents paying for the wedding reflected this commitment.

Today there is equality in education and the workplace and, additionally, less religious feeling concerning weddings so the financial expectations have also changed. Young couples want a church wedding because it is a fantastic venue , not always because they are religious. In the light of these reasons it has become common for the bride and groom to pay for the sort of wedding they would like and for parents to chip in with contributions.

In my own case my daughter wanted a very fancy do but her DF and I said we couldn't fund a ridiculously toppy wedding as he's just been made redundant and I am retired on a small pension. We said we would give her £5000 - which I think is extremely generous - and her finance's family are giving her the same. What a lucky girl. However, she wants a
'statement' coastal wedding and she and the fiance are going to add another £5000 to that to pay for it.

Personally, I think it's a bit bonkers but, if they are willing to cough up, that's up to them. As long as I am invited and get to be the MOTB-zilla I will be as pleased as punch. If it all goes Pete Tong financially they have wedding insurance which I insisted they take out as a first step.

My own wedding cost £250 in total and was arranged in six weeks and catered by the dear OH and myself. It was in a register office and we had no honeymoon. I bought an off the peg dress and a friend took some (pretty bad) photos. We had a blast.

It's the marriage that counts and we will make our ruby year the same time as the DD and her beloved are wed.

John_Gray

Tell them to elope. The village of Gretna Green is very experienced in holding weddings rapidly.

onlyroz

Decide on an amount you can afford (and be prepared to match it in the future if you have other children) and give them that as a wedding present - telling them right now that is what you intend to do. Or offer to pay for something specific, for example my parents paid for the flights of our honeymoon.

lika_86

If they've already decided they're getting married next year then presumably they've already thought that they will be able to do so financially.

Personally I wouldn't say anything unless asked about a contribution (and if she's been brought up well, she won't ask) on the assumption that if they want to get married they will be paying to do so.

gloriouslyhappy

MSE_Sarah wrote: »

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

Our daughter has announced she's getting married next year and we're really worried about the cost. It seems that everyone is looking at us as the bride's parents to pay for a spectacular do, with the responsibility on us rather than the groom's parents or the happy couple. We have limited income and don't want to be embarrassed or forced into debt to meet everyone's expectations. Is their attitude old-fashioned or should we accept it and pay up?

Who are these people looking at you as the bride's parents to pay for a spectacular do? Let them make contributions if they want something unaffordable! It's a very old-fashioned concept for the bride's parents to pay, nowadays with most couples living together, no helping start is needed, and the couple pay for whatever type of event they want, with a contribution either in cash or of something specific eg the dress, from the parents.

Talk to your daughter privately, find out what she has in mind, then think about the contribution you can or would like to make, tell her, tell the fiance so it's all out in the open, and leave it at that. Do not be tempted to add more as the plans develop!!

In my opinion, way too much money is spent on weddings, you can have a relaxed DIY wedding for a fraction of the cost, and double the fun of one of those expensive wedding packages. See the forum thread for budget wedding tips, and send your daughter the link.

Best wishes, hope it's a lovely event with no hideously large bills coming in for months afterwards!