Think my marriage is over, not sure I can afford to leave though?

Gin_and_Milk · 3 April 2018 at 9:04PM

I'm absolutely devastated by this, but I don't feel as though I have a choice.

About 18 months ago I found out, purely by chance, that my husband had accrued debts of about 14K behind my back. I was both furious and devastated even though he had paid a lot of it back, for me that wasn't the point. He was extremely contrite and we agreed to try and make it work, and he also gave me access to his accounts so I could monitor them, which I did for a while, then tapered off as last year was a stressful one to say the least.

Last Thursday he suggested that he take out a loan of approx 9K over 3 years to pay off the rest of his debts, even though he should have paid them off by this time next year. As I'm sure you can appreciate this set alarm bells ringing, and whilst he was out that night I checked his accounts, and he's been using his credit cards again. He told me he hadn't used one of them for months, he actually spent £450 on it in Feb. When I texted him to ask why (that's how we're communicating at the moment), he told me at first he had 'no f***ing idea'. After I pushed him twice again, he told me he had overspent at Christmas, but he didn't seem to have anything to show for it (I've also checked his amazon account). He's adamant that I'm torturing myself over nothing and that he will not be discussing this further with me. As I haven't pointed out to him, my worries aren't just going to magically disappear, and if he refuses to be honest with me, we have reached an impasse.
With regards to affordability though...He is by far the breadwinner, although we don't have much equity in the house we're currently living in. Last year, we sold a rental property which left us with a lump sum of 28K, we agreed it would be best if that money stayed in my account. i don't want to stay in the marital home, I'd rather start all over again and leave it to him, but I'm guessing I can't just swan off with the 28K and leave him the house? I only earn 18K, and whilst I don't feel as though I can stay, I'm worried that I won't be able to afford to start over again. I have absolutely no idea as to where to go from here and I'm in absolute bits. So sorry if none of this makes sense btw.
Thanks

Gloomendoom · 3 April 2018 at 11:00PM

What is he spending the money on?

Also, it seems to be a bit silly to sit on £28k while paying interest on £9-14k (or whatever the debt is).

Ames · 3 April 2018 at 11:17PM

How long have you been married? Do you have children?

Pdbaggett · 3 April 2018 at 11:27PM

Not much help but why didn't you just pay his debts off with the money from the flat being sold then get rid of all his credit cards?

Tygermoth · 4 April 2018 at 6:19AM

Er no. F that. I would not pay off a loan from a mutual asset to someone's significant debts that;

1. i didn't have any benefit from
2. that doesn't even remember where the money went/nothing to show for it
2. that lied to me about it
3. then lied again
4. then wanted to take out more debt
5. then stonewalled me
6. that i am looking to leave the relationship due to this

that's the old adage all over - throwing good money after bad!

Also just bails a spender out of a habit. Taking cards away may only drive things underground and create a resentful mother/child money relationship - where everyone loses out. Let's be honest 14K is not small fry and if he managed to spend nigh on 500 in a month with no recollection then it would be easy to snowball.

its his bed and they can darn well lie in it. if the money is due to be split - then he can do what the heck he likes with his share and continue paying the debt down.

Best outcome would be to run for the hills after agreeing that the £28K buys you out of the house and ensuring that is solidly documented and you come off the mortgage (if hes the breadwinner he should be able to take that on - hopefully)

Gin_and_Milk · 4 April 2018 at 7:04AM

Hi and thanks for your replies.
The 28k was from the sale of our rental property last year. The plan was to put that towards our current mortgage and switch to repayment - it's currently interest only, which is why there isn't much equity in it.

I have absolutely no intention whatsoever of using the money to pay his debts off, Tygermoth has pretty much given the reasons why tbh. This is all of his own making, not mine.

The last time it happened, he spent it on guitars, amps etc, and stored them in the band's rehearsal room. I'm guessing this is what's happened again given there doesn't appear to be anything here to show for it.

Thankfully there are no children to consider, we've been married for almost 16 years.

One of my many worries is that I won't be able to afford a mortgage by myself, although I'm up north, so properties are much cheaper than in some areas.

I suppose at some point I'll need to speak to a mortgage advisor - my head is reeling!

Thanks again

moneyistooshorttomention · 4 April 2018 at 7:31AM

I'm a bit puzzled here.

Your income is a low one - but goes further because of being "half a couple", rather than a single paying bills on your own.

It does look odd to have an interest only mortgage - as, presumably, there's a fair bit of income coming in (ie between your £18k and his rather better income). So it does need to swop to being a repayment mortgage.

Isn't there any joint planning of your finances? Is the money he is spending on servicing these debts coming from his "spending money" (ie what he has left after paying his share of the mortgage and bills) OR have you been finding the debt repayments are coming from a joint account you've both been putting both your "spending money" in?

From the way you are saying it - he's dealing with the debts out of his money and that's something that's entirely up to him - ie as long as he is paying his share of the mortgage/bills.

Re the (suspected) musical instruments - is it a hobby or does he make sideline income or his main income from it?

Gin_and_Milk · 4 April 2018 at 7:51AM

The reason we have an interest mortgage was mainly to do with timing. It was 2010, we couldn't sell our house and really wanted the one we're in now, so we decided to rent our old one out until the market picked up. Last year the tenants gave notice, so for most of 2017 we were paying two mortgages and two lots of council tax.
With regards to swapping the mortgage, we agreed that this year we would set aside a few hundred pounds per month to have work done to the house, then apply for a repayment. The work desperately needs doing and would reduce the LTV risk as well. That said, despite asking, he hasn't paid a penny towards this, although he did pay the quarterly gas/lekky bill recently.
He's lucky if he gets petrol money from music. If anything, it's a very expensive hobby.
My concern about switching to repayment would be that our house could be on the market for years, although we would both walk away with more money - probably.
I know what you mean about him paying the debts off out of his money, and in some respects he can do what he likes with his own money, but it's deceitful and he has lied about it on numerous occasions, so I don't think I'll ever reach a point where I fully trust him again, and I take no pleasure from saying that.

k3lvc · 4 April 2018 at 8:03AM

Gin_and_Milk wrote: »

I have absolutely no intention whatsoever of using the money to pay his debts off, Tygermoth has pretty much given the reasons why tbh. This is all of his own making, not mine.

Whilst I don't disagree totally I've been the husband in a similar case and your attitude is both short-sighted and selfish. You (plural) have run two properties with associated costs which may/may not have contributed to 'his' (why is it just his) debt. Subsequently you've sold one of them and now want to claim that money as 'yours' (singular)

If you want to save the marriage and not become another cop-out statistic then you need to talk and there needs to be give on both sides. It seems pointless having £28k in the bank and looking for a loan to clear debts. Why not clear the £9k debt, pay the other £19k off mortgage and then work on a joint/open book basis to avoid a recurrance ?

PeacefulWaters · 4 April 2018 at 8:32AM

1. There's no requirement to own property. You can rent.

2. Find a local counsellor and invest £50 a session in trying to save your marriage. It's cheaper than solicitors and even if it fails you can walk away knowing you explored every option.

Gin_and_Milk · 4 April 2018 at 8:40AM

k3lvc wrote: »

Whilst I don't disagree totally I've been the husband in a similar case and your attitude is both short-sighted and selfish. You (plural) have run two properties with associated costs which may/may not have contributed to 'his' (why is it just his) debt. Subsequently you've sold one of them and now want to claim that money as 'yours' (singular)

If you want to save the marriage and not become another cop-out statistic then you need to talk and there needs to be give on both sides. It seems pointless having £28k in the bank and looking for a loan to clear debts. Why not clear the £9k debt, pay the other £19k off mortgage and then work on a joint/open book basis to avoid a recurrance ?

I would have thought it was pretty obvious as to why the debt is just his. I'm actually quite baffled you think I have some degree of responsibility in this.
There is currently 20k equity in the property, given that the market had improved since 2010 and we've already had work done to it I think they'll be more than 6k made, which means he would be better off than me and he can afford the interest only payments now, with a view to being able to afford a repayment mortgage once he has cleared his debts of which I wasn't even aware of.
As for being selfish and a cop out statistic, I'll admit again my head is all over the place, but it's not the first time it's happened and why should I spend the rest of my life with someone who has deceived me and broken my trust?

Think my marriage is over, not sure I can afford to leave though?

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