Think my marriage is over, not sure I can afford to leave though?

Tabbytabitha

If a long marriage is good in other ways I wouldn't end it over money.

PeacefulWaters

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

If a long marriage is good in other ways I wouldn't end it over money.

I would if it was a repeating issue involving dishonesty.

But I'd jump through the counselling hoops first.

MEM62

Think my marriage is over, not sure I can afford to leave though?

Leaving a marriage is not a financial decision.

If you are unhappy, feel that you cannot resolve the issues in your marriage and are sure in your own mind that it is over then leave. You can deal with your finances in due course.

k3lvc

Gin_and_Milk wrote: »

I would have thought it was pretty obvious as to why the debt is just his. I'm actually quite baffled you think I have some degree of responsibility in this.
There is currently 20k equity in the property, given that the market had improved since 2010 and we've already had work done to it I think they'll be more than 6k made, which means he would be better off than me and he can afford the interest only payments now, with a view to being able to afford a repayment mortgage once he has cleared his debts of which I wasn't even aware of.
As for being selfish and a cop out statistic, I'll admit again my head is all over the place, but it's not the first time it's happened and why should I spend the rest of my life with someone who has deceived me and broken my trust?

Whoah - way too defensive here. If I were the husband then unless it's been spent on whisky & !!!!!s (and do you suspect it has) then I'd be using the part of the £28k to clear the debts and then, if you wanted out, you'd be free to go with whatever sum was agreed via arbitration or legal routes. You're making some pretty wild assumptions that could seriously scupper any future plans you may have of a comfortable single life

Gin_and_Milk

k3lvc wrote: »

Whoah - way too defensive here. If I were the husband then unless it's been spent on whisky & !!!!!s (and do you suspect it has) then I'd be using the part of the £28k to clear the debts and then, if you wanted out, you'd be free to go with whatever sum was agreed via arbitration or legal routes. You're making some pretty wild assumptions that could seriously scupper any future plans you may have of a comfortable single life

The first time he did it he bought 11 electric guitars and 3 amps - that I know of. This time round he isn't telling me anything.

Ames

Gin_and_Milk wrote: »

The first time he did it he bought 11 electric guitars and 3 amps - that I know of. This time round he isn't telling me anything.

Does he have mental health problems? That sounds like bipolar spending to me. If so there's a special guide on here about mental health and debt. I can't do links though because I'm on my phone.

fairy_lights

Gin_and_Milk wrote: »

The first time he did it he bought 11 electric guitars and 3 amps - that I know of. This time round he isn't telling me anything.

Did he explain why he had done that or did he stick his head in the sand about the whole thing?
If there's nothing to show for it this time, is gambling a possibility?

Gin_and_Milk

Ames wrote: »

Does he have mental health problems? That sounds like bipolar spending to me. If so there's a special guide on here about mental health and debt. I can't do links though because I'm on my phone.

He has depression and PTSD, bipolar spending tends to be splurges all at once, whereas this appears to have been over a period of time. He used to be a psyche nurse and I still work in mental health (which isn't doing too good at the moment!)

When we spoke about it last time, we talked about how when he was little his parents bought him everything and they always went abroad together - my upbringing was the complete opposite. It sounds horrible to say he was spoiled as a child but he was and he cannot afford the lifestyle his parents gave him.

The main reason why I'm as upset as I am isn't just the money, it's the dishonesty that hurts the most. He promised me faithfully last time that he learnt his lesson and that he would never hurt me again. I don't even know when he broke that promise, I just know that he has.

TBagpuss

OP, if you do decide to divorce, then in sorting out the finances it's likely to be helpful for you to get some advice from a solicitor about what the outcomes might be, with a view to your then trying to com to an agreement with your husband.

from what you've said, the assets are around £48K (£20K equity + £28K in the bank)
Debts are £9K.

Worst case scenario would be an equal split of the net assets so £39/2 = £19,500 each.

So one thing you could do would be to talk to a mortgage broker, and look into what your housing options would be if the house were to be sold, and you have £19 / £19.5K as a deposit and were looking to buy alone.


When a court looks at debt, one thing they consider is whether the debt should properly be treated as joint, and this would come down to how the money was spent - if it was spent for the benefit of the family as a whole, for instance, paying for household costs, family holiday, family car, then it's likely to be trearted as jpoint, even if it is in one person's sole name.
If it was spent soley for the benefit of one party, such as to fund a hobby, then it is easier to argue that it should not be treated as joint.

If you were able to successfully argue that the debt should not be treated as joint then the split might become £48/2 = £24K, with him them being responsible for the debt.

A court also looks at your respective needs and resources, so even of the debt it treated as joint, it might be fair for you to have more of the available funds if, for instance, your mortgage capacity is lower then his because your earning capacity is smaller, so looking at what it would cost you to rehouse, and how much you could realistically borrow, is important for that purpose, too.

Obviously no-one can decide for you whether the marriage is salvageable, but it might be helpful for you to think about what it would take for you to feel you could stay married - for instance, counselling or therapy to address the underlying issues, changes to how you manage your finances to limit the impact on you of his poor money management skills, entering into a post-nuptial agreement to separate out your finances and agree on what the financial arrangements will be moving forward and in the event of any later split. If you can identify what you would need to see change in order for you to feel that you could stay, then you can have a conversation with him about whether there is any possibility of reaching that point and making those changes, and also what if anything he would want to see change.

Don't let people bully you into staying if you don't feel comfortable doing so. Financial issues are a factor in an awful lot of relationship breakups - partly because they often come with issues of poor communication or lack of trust, but also because the strain of living under financial stress can be huge. And as with any other kind of relationship issue, it's only likely to change or improve f both of you are willing and able to acknowledge that there is a problem and to work on fixing it.If he either doesn't accept that there is a problem, or is not currently willing/able to work with you to fix it, then it is very unlikely that you can fix it by yourself. It is of course possible that dealing with it could mean that you accept that this is how he is, and live with that, but only do that if you feel that will work better for you personally than other options such as leaving.

spadoosh

Gin_and_Milk wrote: »

The first time he did it he bought 11 electric guitars and 3 amps - that I know of. This time round he isn't telling me anything.

Havent you got his account details?

Or is he spending £450 in feb on his credit card through a cash machine?

If you have access to his accounts look at what the money is being spent on, it shouldnt be too difficult. Ie a £450 cash withdrawal. Or £450 spent at buyguitarsforeveryone.com.

Now it looks like youre pushing a campaign against him.

Personally if it was me, i would be looking at finding resolutions. You just seem to want to highlight his problems. You havent answered any questions that could actually help you either work out whats going on, or work out what to do. It really seems like your posting to get people to side with your confirmation bias.

You might not, but youve got to make people want to help you. If your asking for advice you need to give a clearer picture, its ok just giving your side of the story but the advice offered based on that is unlikely to be the most relevant nor helpful. It might just be a case of you not knowing whats going on, in which case you need to be finding out what is being asked of you. And thus helpful.

If its helpful i can say hes a scumbag, ditch him, take all the money and leave right now.

Fact is, what will likely happen is youll end up having to pay him back a good chunk of money which you mightve already spent, thus leading to further problems. So its might make you feel good and justified for leaving but its not good advice and will likely cause more problems down the line.

Youve already suggested you can be quite impulsive with an interest only mortgage which is generally not seen as a good financial investment either (suggest a poor understanding of money in the relationship as a whole) and the fact that you have debts and savings seems to reaffirm that.

Dont get me wrong, im not saying your a liar or wrong. But things dont look like they add up, when that happens people are less inclined to offer meaningful advice.

You can get every bit of help (advice) you'll likely ever need on this forum. Problems is if youre wanting people to judge your OH, theyll more than likely judge you (The person theyre interacting with and is giving their side of the story) first over a person they have such little and unbiased information on.