Think my marriage is over, not sure I can afford to leave though?

Gin_and_Milk

Doodles wrote: »

Could you suggest he sells his electric guitars and amps to get back a bit of money to address the debt?

After the first time it happened, he did sell most of them to help address it. Obviously he needed to keep some, but nobody needs 11.

Fireflyaway

Gin_and_Milk wrote: »

Thanks for your reply, I think you might have missed my next to last comment though?

And as I also mentioned earlier, the money was spent on 11 guitars and 3 amps, not me.

Yes sorry I missed that bit. 11 guitars seems a lot but if that's his hobby I suppose he enjoys having a little collection and he works so he is entitled to buy things. How do you react when he buys stuff? If it's in a disapproving way maybe he feels it's easier to avoid confrontation and just go for it.
You mentioned he has poor mental health so maybe develop a strategy that when he feels low he doesn't spend. Could you ditch all the cards and start the envelope system where you have a certain amount in cash each week?
I really do understand that being lied to is horrible and when it's money it could ruin your future plans but your husband is unwell and needs help. It's not as though he uses the money on gambling or buying another woman gifts!
Some years back my husband ran up some debt. He worked really hard and long hours but felt like he had nothing to show for it so out of frustration borrowed a bit to treat himself. Then a bit more etc! All this working and bill paying can be tough if you don't feel you are making headway.
Maybe try to see this as a joint problem. He spent the money and lied but what was your part? Maybe your husband thinks you are controlling or expect more than he can provide? Come together and deal with it together. Facing a crisis could show him how much you care and actually strengthen your marriage.

maisie_cat

Nine years ago I found out by chance that my husband had racked up £12k on 2 credit cards. He didn't tell me because he didn't know how to and was worried about it. We used money we had to pay it off, cancelled the cards and I took over his money along with mine. He got rid of the cards and hasn't built anything up since.
When I went through the bills, although there was an element of "what the hell are you buying" a lot of it was what I would consider marital. He is the breadwinner and I don't think it unfair that he gets to spend some of the money he earns getting up at 2:30am on "boys toys"
I think that it is part of being married that these things are shared, as an aside, I think in a divorce that the debts may well be considered marital liabilities along with the savings assets.

mattpaint

Gin_and_Milk wrote: »

Most of my wage has always paid for the mortgage, food, petrol and I'm an abuser?! Just in case you have no idea what it's like to find out that your OH has racked up a load of debt behind your back and repeatedly lied about it, I'll tell you now, it bloody hurts and makes you question everything.
Do you get a kick out of being nasty? I get the impression you do.
Enjoy your day.

You've been bragging about how you don't know, or care what the money was spent on, and said he pays all the bills while your salary is put aside. You also keep his money away from him as your own.

He's also seriously mentally ill and you don't seem to care.

I call it as I see it - and you aren't the victim here, but you seem to desperately want to be seen as it.

sulkisu

mattpaint wrote: »

You've been bragging about how you don't know, or care what the money was spent on, and said he pays all the bills while your salary is put aside. You also keep his money away from him as your own.

He's also seriously mentally ill and you don't seem to care.

I call it as I see it - and you aren't the victim here, but you seem to desperately want to be seen as it.

Wow, I must have been reading a completely different thread....;)

Tabbytabitha

Gin_and_Milk wrote: »

Most of my wage has always paid for the mortgage, food, petrol and I'm an abuser?! Just in case you have no idea what it's like to find out that your OH has racked up a load of debt behind your back and repeatedly lied about it, I'll tell you now, it bloody hurts and makes you question everything.
Do you get a kick out of being nasty? I get the impression you do.
Enjoy your day.

But you've just said -

"Most of my wage is currently put to one side"


Both statements can't be true.

Soundgirlrocks

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

But you've just said -

"Most of my wage is currently put to one side"


Both statements can't be true.

I think if you read the OP's replies, that previously she paid the mortgage, they moved but kept the old property on for a time and then sold (hence the lump sum and why they are currently on a interest only mortgage in their current property) Her wages are put aside to repair the property they are in (and presumably improve the LTV) once that is done they plan to remortgage on to a repayment, and she will be paying the mortgage as she was originally.

Gin_and_Milk

mattpaint wrote: »

You've been bragging about how you don't know, or care what the money was spent on, and said he pays all the bills while your salary is put aside. You also keep his money away from him as your own.

He's also seriously mentally ill and you don't seem to care.

I call it as I see it - and you aren't the victim here, but you seem to desperately want to be seen as it.

Most of my salary is put to one side to pay for the repairs to the house which need doing, when we switch to repayment it will go on the mortgage instead.


Now where have I said that I keep ANY of his money from him? I have said no such thing anywhere on this thread - he keeps his own, always has, always will.


Telling it like it is is one thing, but it's glaringly obvious that you have absolutely no idea what you're going on about.

Happier_Me

One of the hardest things to do on threads like these is to weedle out the responses that either offer really rubbish 'advice' or are very emotive/destructive/hurtful. Personally OP I wouldn't respond to the posts that fall into the latter category. Concentrate on the posts that help you resolve the problem.

You have absolutely every right to be angry. It's a repeat offence, you are married and financially linked and you're not pi$$ING your own wages up the wall. If my husband ran up debts of this nature just once I'd remove certain body parts and add them to a stew, which he'd eat as part of my money saving plan to get us back on track... so maybe I'm a financial abuser too! Personally I'd call it being a grown up and taking responsibility for your joint finances.

The only thing that I'd suggest you do is work out a budget - SOA - ensuring the contributions you are both making are fair and you have a similar amount of disposable income each month.

pearl123

Gin_and_Milk wrote: »

He has depression and PTSD, bipolar spending tends to be splurges all at once, whereas this appears to have been over a period of time.)

Clearly, he has mental health issues. Get him to the GP for some treatment/ councilling. If he can't control his spending then perhaps you should give him an allowance.