Think my marriage is over, not sure I can afford to leave though?

Gin_and_Milk

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

Which of us can say that they've never lied about anything in our relationships, whether over a big or small matter?

I don't want to get into semantics.

Fireflyaway

It's wrong that he lied but maybe he doesn't earn enough to maintain the lifestyle you have. Some men feel a real pressure ( often put on them by their own standards) to provide and keep their partner happy. He might feel really inadequate for all we know. Do you do a proper budget together? I can see why you don't trust him but checking his bank account and statements? That probably makes him feel a bit patronised. You are his wife, not his mum.
If he is a good husband in all other respects do you really want to end it all over money? Find out why it happened and try to be understanding not angry or judgemental. If he hadn't been gambling or taking drugs then chances are some of that money was spent on you. Nobody is perfect. Marriage is about compromise, forgiveness and team work. He didn't kill anyone!

Gin_and_Milk

Fireflyaway wrote: »

It's wrong that he lied but maybe he doesn't earn enough to maintain the lifestyle you have. Some men feel a real pressure ( often put on them by their own standards) to provide and keep their partner happy. He might feel really inadequate for all we know. Do you do a proper budget together? I can see why you don't trust him but checking his bank account and statements? That probably makes him feel a bit patronised. You are his wife, not his mum.
If he is a good husband in all other respects do you really want to end it all over money? Find out why it happened and try to be understanding not angry or judgemental. If he hadn't been gambling or taking drugs then chances are some of that money was spent on you. Nobody is perfect. Marriage is about compromise, forgiveness and team work. He didn't kill anyone!

Thanks for your reply, I think you might have missed my next to last comment though?

And as I also mentioned earlier, the money was spent on 11 guitars and 3 amps, not me.

enthusiasticsaver

I can understand why you cannot trust him. I would be worried about a partner who took debts out behind my back and spent a disproportionate amount of family income on their hobby. It looks like you have separate finances though. If you do decide to separate the usual thing is to split assets 50/50 if there is no children although if there is a big difference in earning power and a long marriage some wives or husbands have got maintenance. His debts are his own. If you have £28k in cash from the rental property and he has £20k equity in the marital home you can sign the house over to him and give him £4k cash then you have 50/50. You have £24k as a house deposit. If that is not enough then you will need to up your income somehow.

Ames

Gin_and_Milk wrote: »

He has depression and PTSD, bipolar spending tends to be splurges all at once, whereas this appears to have been over a period of time. He used to be a psyche nurse and I still work in mental health (which isn't doing too good at the moment!)

When we spoke about it last time, we talked about how when he was little his parents bought him everything and they always went abroad together - my upbringing was the complete opposite. It sounds horrible to say he was spoiled as a child but he was and he cannot afford the lifestyle his parents gave him.

The main reason why I'm as upset as I am isn't just the money, it's the dishonesty that hurts the most. He promised me faithfully last time that he learnt his lesson and that he would never hurt me again. I don't even know when he broke that promise, I just know that he has.

Not necessarily, especially during depression. Buying a 'treat' to pick you up can become something you end up doing frequently. Or trying to reinvent yourself - when I'm depressed I buy new clothes in a new style because if I can make myself different then I won't be ill anymore. Or running after a fantasy which will mean your life changes so much that, again, you won't be ill. Or even thinking that it's an investment that will grow in value. Depression gives all kinds of weird and wonderful thought processes that make absolute sense to the person suffering with it, even though rationally it's completely nonsensical.

I can see how buying lots of guitars would let him think he's going to be a different person, or have a different life, that when he 'makes it' as a musician all the problems in his life (including/especially financial) will be cured.

I've done it myself in several different ways.

If he's starting to be ok talking about things maybe he'll be open to the idea of selling some of the guitars to help with the debt?

badmemory

As the guitars were over a year ago (unless I have misunderstood) they are probably long gone by now!

mattpaint

Gin_and_Milk wrote: »

Right, I contacted OH about sitting down together to sort out our finances properly, as I suppose we have been coasting really. He said he would be happy to do that. I got home from work to find that he has used the loan to pay off mbna (I knew the loan was coming). He's also paid another one of his credit cards off and has contacted Halifax to close it once and for all. That leaves him with the Nationwide credit card which has a 6k limit on it.
Most of my wage is currently put to one side until we switch to a repayment mortgage. This is to pay for work that needs doing to the house and unfortunately not all of it is cosmetic, so every penny really does count as we can't do all of the internal repairs until some of the external ones have been done. When we switch to a repayment mortgage that will come out of my wage. We've always paid more for mortgages because of my partner's age, and this is part of the reason why we need the 28K for the mortgage. Paying his debts off with it means we'd have to borrow more money over a longer period of time than the loan and makes no financial sense whatsoever.
Thanks (to some of you) for your replies, I'm hoping we can go forward with this.
For the record, someone on this thread told me I came across as being controlling - I'm not, I'm actually fairly laid back, but I do worry about money sometimes, and yes, that is an issue of mine but it's very rarely a problem as I do eat every day now (something at one time I couldn't afford to do).
However, that same person also told me that what I was doing was tantamount to financial abuse and that did hurt. I am not an abusive person and that is simply not in my nature. It would take me all my time to hurt someone I couldn't stand never mind anyone else.
Fingers crossed we get this sorted. I'm definitely feeling more positive now than I was yesterday.

He is literally supporting you financially and you're treating him like this. I'm appalled. I hope he escapes this relationship because if a man was doing it to a woman, it would be abuse.

Spendless

So what had he spent £450 on and put on the credit card?

Gin_and_Milk

mattpaint wrote: »

He is literally supporting you financially and you're treating him like this. I'm appalled. I hope he escapes this relationship because if a man was doing it to a woman, it would be abuse.

Most of my wage has always paid for the mortgage, food, petrol and I'm an abuser?! Just in case you have no idea what it's like to find out that your OH has racked up a load of debt behind your back and repeatedly lied about it, I'll tell you now, it bloody hurts and makes you question everything.
Do you get a kick out of being nasty? I get the impression you do.
Enjoy your day.

Doodles

Could you suggest he sells his electric guitars and amps to get back a bit of money to address the debt?