Think my marriage is over, not sure I can afford to leave though?

Gin_and_Milk

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

Only if you consider that his mental health is a separate issue from his spending, which several of us don't. If he would benefit from counselling then get it for him rather than waiting for the NHS to provide it, you're in the fortunate position of having money in the bank to pay for it.

First of all, with all due respect, 'several of you' don't know my husband. It is possible to have separate mental health issues, just as it's possible to have separate physical ones. Conflating the two can be very unhelpful and I have explained previously where the spending issue comes from, so I won't repeat myself.


With regards to counselling, it really isn't as straightforward as you think, you don't 'get it' for someone, it has to come from them first. He has already had psychotherapy for his PTSD, which in itself can be very triggering. It isn't a case of giving someone some money and sitting there for an hour talking about yourself.
Because of the psychotherapy for his PTSD, you can't just switch and decide to have counselling for depression, the two will invariably overlap and you have to have a specially trained therapist who can deal with this as trying to deal with the depression without causing a deterioration in his PTSD is a fine balancing act.

Gin_and_Milk

runninglea wrote: »

The same happened to me a few years ago, the only way I found out was when I had a letter sent to our home saying I had agreed to go as guarantee on a loan with advent loans. The amount was 15K at 39.9% apr.

Before giving her the letter and asking about it, I did a credit check on her as we were due to remortgage to a better rate. There were three c/c, two loans, argos card, next card etc - 19K in total.

We did separate for a bit but the children would have ended up with neither parent owning a house etc.

We are still together but no credit cards are held by either of us - the mortgage is getting paid off (again), I've become slightly obsessive about it by paying off in 100 payments.

We remortgaged and even took 7K extra for a fantastic holiday.

The children are happy even though our relationship has lost some trust etc as I still don't know what the money went on. If we do split up then at least we tried to save the marriage

That's awful - and for you not to know what the money went on too. He didn't put my name down on anything, and finding out by chance is a shock, but to find out by letter...
I'm glad you're back together and that you've worked things out between yourselves. I know what you mean about the trust thing though.

Ames

Gin_and_Milk wrote: »

First of all, with all due respect, 'several of you' don't know my husband. It is possible to have separate mental health issues, just as it's possible to have separate physical ones. Conflating the two can be very unhelpful and I have explained previously where the spending issue comes from, so I won't repeat myself.


With regards to counselling, it really isn't as straightforward as you think, you don't 'get it' for someone, it has to come from them first. He has already had psychotherapy for his PTSD, which in itself can be very triggering. It isn't a case of giving someone some money and sitting there for an hour talking about yourself.
Because of the psychotherapy for his PTSD, you can't just switch and decide to have counselling for depression, the two will invariably overlap and you have to have a specially trained therapist who can deal with this as trying to deal with the depression without causing a deterioration in his PTSD is a fine balancing act.

So he is having therapy? Your previous posts gave me the impression that he wasn't getting any mental health support.

I absolutely agree that you have to be ready for therapy for it to work.

Gin_and_Milk

Ames wrote: »

So he is having therapy? Your previous posts gave me the impression that he wasn't getting any mental health support.

I absolutely agree that you have to be ready for therapy for it to work.

Sorry, he had the psychotherapy some years ago now. He found useful in some ways, but very distressing in others and prefers to rely on his medication now. Where we're currently living is also much quieter which has helped a lot too.

mgdavid

Is the thread title true or not?
If not, would you care to amend it

Gin_and_Milk

mgdavid wrote: »

Is the thread title true or not?
If not, would you care to amend it

I didn't think that was possible anymore? How do I do that?

ska_lover

I think you are are in a difficult situation OP - the main thing that strikes me is there is no mention of Love, do you Love him?

From my understanding there does seem to be huge correlations between finances and mental health issues and whilst that doesn't excuse , i see you go in to depth about this earlier on, it cannot be helping. You cannot elusively draw a line between the two and it would be suprising if he could too

The entire focus of this thread has been money, how bad he is with it, the focus on can you afford to leave...no mention of Love, or heartbreak - unless I missed that - which is suprising, but obviously the bloke has pushed you very far

If you want to leave, why should the need to be a home owner stop you? Would the lack of money really force you to stay in a rubbish relationship? You can afford to live independantly very easy on 18k just depends on what standard of living you want and how bad you want out V's the money side of things

Gin_and_Milk

ska_lover wrote: »

I think you are are in a difficult situation OP - the main thing that strikes me is there is no mention of Love, do you Love him?

From my understanding there does seem to be huge correlations between finances and mental health issues and whilst that doesn't excuse , i see you go in to depth about this earlier on, it cannot be helping. You cannot elusively draw a line between the two and it would be suprising if he could too

The entire focus of this thread has been money, how bad he is with it, the focus on can you afford to leave...no mention of Love, or heartbreak - unless I missed that - which is suprising, but obviously the bloke has pushed you very far

If you want to leave, why should the need to be a home owner stop you? Would the lack of money really force you to stay in a rubbish relationship? You can afford to live independantly very easy on 18k just depends on what standard of living you want and how bad you want out V's the money side of things

Yes I do, I love him very much and the feeling is mutual. He's not just my husband, but my best friend and that's why I was very hurt by all of this.
You're right about finances and mental health, it doesn't help, but at this moment in time, he isn't clinically depressed. I think sometimes an assumption is often made that if someone has a condition then they constantly suffer 24/7 and it isn't always true. I'm not suggesting that's what you were inferring by the way. But not only as his wife, friend, designated carer and someone with over 20 years experience of working in mental health, I know when he's ill - especially with the PTSD, that's impossible to mask. He even has me on high alert sometimes lol!
Have a nice weekend

Gin_and_Milk

I'm sorry to hear about your relative, mental illness does affect those around them, and I would imagine that it must be very stressful as well as frustrating. As an aside, has the family considered looking into some sort of guardianship order (there are different types depending on people's circumstances). This would mean a designated 'guardian' would be able to take charge of the finances, and it doesn't necessarily have to be an individual, it can be your local authority. If your relative isn't paying their rent it does make them vulnerable. There might be more info about it on this forum.

As you've probably read, the plan for this weekend was for me and OH to sit down and go through our finances. However I found out last night that my mum has just been diagnosed with MS, so finances have kind of gone out of the window for the time being.

I hope you get things sorted for your relative.

hello007007

Hi
I havent read the whole thread.
I know I spend money like - 'nothing to show - huge amount gone' - when I am ill with depression or my bi polar. I spoke to a friend recently who said she spent her everything (£7k) in three months and blamed her mental health as she had a relationship break down.
I hope you can sort it all out before things get really bad. Do try to find out if he is hiding other debts from you.