Think my marriage is over, not sure I can afford to leave though?

Gin_and_Milk

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

1. There's no requirement to own property. You can rent.

2. Find a local counsellor and invest £50 a session in trying to save your marriage. It's cheaper than solicitors and even if it fails you can walk away knowing you explored every option.

I got onto the property ladder when I was very young and I'm not getting off it by renting. It's dead money and would cost more than mortgage repayments.

Thank you for your suggestion, he's said he doesn't want to talk about it, but I will mention it anyway.

PeacefulWaters

Gin_and_Milk wrote: »

Thank you for your suggestion, he's said he doesn't want to talk about it, but I will mention it anyway.

I'd suggest sorting an appointment out for yourself then. Tell him it's to give you a chance to think through the best way to end the marriage but he's more than welcome to join you.

BorisThomson

You come across as very controlling. You want to control and monitor his finances but you're not offering anything in the way of support. Where's the middle ground, where is the conversation about why he keeps spending, is something making him unhappy?

If you want the marriage to go forward then you need to ditch the blame and demeaning and start showing some support. Maybe a third party can help you with this.

(If you don't think you're controlling, then turn this around and think about it as a man treating a woman as you are him - your behaviour would be classed as financial abuse.)

Gin_and_Milk

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

I'd suggest sorting an appointment out for yourself then. Tell him it's to give you a chance to think through the best way to end the marriage but he's more than welcome to join you.

That's certainly an idea if he still doesn't want to talk. Thanks again.

spadoosh

How you manage finances as a couple is not clear. It sounds like all money is separated.

It doesnt seem to add up that hes in all the debt yet you are concerned you couldnt afford to live alone. If its him accruing the debt then i cant help but think you would be financially better off without him.

Im getting the feeling that he'll have the odd luxury, like a guitar, whilst paying a good chunk of the bills and living costs and you assume the debt is all related to the guitars as opposed to say a lot of the daily living costs getting absorbed in to the debt. But then you say he doesnt want to talk about it but then you have access to his accounts so would assume you can see where exactly the money is going?!

If you want to split up thats fine and normal, be clear to yourself about why youre splitting up though. Like i said it doesnt make sense that you think you will be worse off financially without him yet blame him for accruing all the debt.

As for the £28k i wouldnt be assuming you can just take it. A divorce will cost money. And each party will want there 'portions'. Im not up on interest only mortgages but theyve never seen like a way of making money to me or storing it. This will probably all need to be argued over with solicitors.

comeandgo

If you think the marriage is over, if I was in your shoes, I'd take £14k and go. You may find it difficult to get a mortgage but you could take on a part time job as well as your full time one to save for a larger deposit.
A divorce only costs money where there is children and no agreements. My divorce involved no lawyers as my ex and I agreed on the split. Only cost was divorce paper itself.

spadoosh

comeandgo wrote: »

If you think the marriage is over, if I was in your shoes, I'd take £14k and go. You may find it difficult to get a mortgage but you could take on a part time job as well as your full time one to save for a larger deposit.
A divorce only costs money where there is children and no agreements. My divorce involved no lawyers as my ex and I agreed on the split. Only cost was divorce paper itself.

Pluck a number out the air to leave with? Sounds like a sure fire way to get in to a long drawn out legal argument. One which in most circumstances will look really bad on you. (unless of course its to pay off marital debts, fund the marital home, or support a spouse with little/no income.)

mattpaint

Do you pay any of the bills? It seems to me like he's supporting you, and has been the one to pay the majority of the expenses and accrue the £28,000 you have, but you think this is yours. The simple fact is - the debt and the money is shared and you won't get to walk away with the money and leave him with the debt if you divorce, or even if you don't. He will be able to walk away with his income, however, leaving you to support yourself.

Spendless

I wouldn't be paying off any debts until I had discovered what the money had gone on and why.

Pay the debt off, without addressing the issue of why it's happened in the first place and the debt will be run up again - as has happened. Plenty of stories like this on the debt free wannabee board.

If you divorce, equity in the house, savings, pensions will all be looked at and divided up. I've even known someone say that the debts were also included, despite being in one person's name because the judge decided that they were 'debts of the marriage' and the other party had also 'enjoyed' what had been bought. Yet another reason to know what exactly has been paid for by the credit cards.

NeilCr

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

I'm a bit puzzled here.

Your income is a low one - but goes further because of being "half a couple", rather than a single paying bills on your own.

It does look odd to have an interest only mortgage - as, presumably, there's a fair bit of income coming in (ie between your £18k and his rather better income). So it does need to swop to being a repayment mortgage.

Isn't there any joint planning of your finances? Is the money he is spending on servicing these debts coming from his "spending money" (ie what he has left after paying his share of the mortgage and bills) OR have you been finding the debt repayments are coming from a joint account you've both been putting both your "spending money" in?

From the way you are saying it - he's dealing with the debts out of his money and that's something that's entirely up to him - ie as long as he is paying his share of the mortgage/bills.

Re the (suspected) musical instruments - is it a hobby or does he make sideline income or his main income from it?

Yes. This really.

You have said "his" accounts and he is suggesting taking out a loan in "his" name. I am still not quite clear if you have separate accounts/joint accounts or something different. Or how your money works.

I saw from an earlier thread that your husband took ill health retirement and gets an NHS pension. Is there a bit of being stuck at home going on here - and he gets bored and spends money. Granted he has his music as well

It is all rather a convoluted situation. Needs talking through, as others have said.