Think my marriage is over, not sure I can afford to leave though?

NeilCr

My ex suffered from depression and spent money much the way your husband does. At the time we had a joint account and we went overdrawn. We then had quite a difficult conversation - she didn't want to have to ask me if she could spend money, I didn't want to be asked but we couldn't sustain that spending.

In the end we had a joint account for bills - and then our own "spending money" which was entirely our own responsibility. I have no idea what she spent the money on and I have no idea if she went into debt although I'd be very surprised! It worked fine.

Again, we still don't really understand how your finances work. I can see both sides to an extent. As you suggest the deceit is very hurtful but, as has been said, he might be taking the view his money, his debt, his responsibility.

Gin_and_Milk

spadoosh wrote: »

Havent you got his account details?

Or is he spending £450 in feb on his credit card through a cash machine?

If you have access to his accounts look at what the money is being spent on, it shouldnt be too difficult. Ie a £450 cash withdrawal. Or £450 spent at buyguitarsforeveryone.com.

Now it looks like youre pushing a campaign against him.

Personally if it was me, i would be looking at finding resolutions. You just seem to want to highlight his problems. You havent answered any questions that could actually help you either work out whats going on, or work out what to do. It really seems like your posting to get people to side with your confirmation bias.

You might not, but youve got to make people want to help you. If your asking for advice you need to give a clearer picture, its ok just giving your side of the story but the advice offered based on that is unlikely to be the most relevant nor helpful. It might just be a case of you not knowing whats going on, in which case you need to be finding out what is being asked of you. And thus helpful.

If its helpful i can say hes a scumbag, ditch him, take all the money and leave right now.

Fact is, what will likely happen is youll end up having to pay him back a good chunk of money which you mightve already spent, thus leading to further problems. So its might make you feel good and justified for leaving but its not good advice and will likely cause more problems down the line.

Youve already suggested you can be quite impulsive with an interest only mortgage which is generally not seen as a good financial investment either (suggest a poor understanding of money in the relationship as a whole) and the fact that you have debts and savings seems to reaffirm that.

Dont get me wrong, im not saying your a liar or wrong. But things dont look like they add up, when that happens people are less inclined to offer meaningful advice.

You can get every bit of help (advice) you'll likely ever need on this forum. Problems is if youre wanting people to judge your OH, theyll more than likely judge you (The person theyre interacting with and is giving their side of the story) first over a person they have such little and unbiased information on.

I am answering as many questions as I possibly can, I find it harder to do when I'm using my phone at work.
I haven't got his account details to hand, but when I looked at his statement it just showed that the balance he owed had increased by £450 in February - it didn't say how, which does strike me as odd. I'm guessing it was a cash transaction, surely credit card payments would state how much and who to the payment was for? That all said, he cut up his mbna card after last time, so again I'm puzzled as to why that money would appear on his balance.


The interest only mortgage wasn't an impulsive idea at all, I'm not sure why you've assumed that? The house we lived in previously was in an area which was going downhill rapidly. One house on the street had been bought by a women's refuge, there were problems with that, plus local druggies smashing everyone's cars etc, my husband's PTSD was becoming worse, so we decided to move come what may, and at that time an interest only mortgage was our only option.


I really don't want to come across as spearheading some sort of hate campaign against my husband, and no, it does not make me feel better having you refer to him as a scumbag, even if you don't mean it. I'm entitled to be upset by his behaviour, especially as it's not the first time he's done it, and he doesn't even want to talk about it.


When we first met, he was paying money to the CSA so we didn't open a joint account, as the CSA at that time were terrible for helping themselves to money as and when they felt like it. When the payments stopped 8 years ago we didn't feel the need to open joint accounts and our 'mantra' was that we just p*** in the same pot.


Yes, he does pay most of the bills, that was his suggestion, and after I've paid out for stuff out of my account I have around £200 disposable income, whereas he would have around £800 if he didn't have things to pay off.


I don't want my marriage to be over and I'm open to the idea of counselling / mediation even if he isn't. This is all new to me, which is why I ended my initial post with words to the effect of not being able to swan off with the 28k.

Pdbaggett

So if he pays most of the bills what do you pay for that only leaves you £200 a month disposable income. Also between your selves you have around £1000 a month after bills left over or would do if it wasn't for his debt. All seems a bit odd to be honest no offense but you both sound errr not to good with money management . again it would have made much more sense to split the 28k in half he could have paid his debt and them started to save.

I guess it boils down to what he's spending his money I don't see how if you have access to his accounts you can't find out though its pretty obvious where money goes out of an account.

fairy_lights

Pdbaggett wrote: »

again it would have made much more sense to split the 28k in half he could have paid his debt and them started to save.

But if he's got previous form for frittering money away and running up debts what are the chances that he would realistically start to save, after paying off those debts?
I think it's pretty wise of OP to keep that 28k to one side until her husband has addressed his money issues.
In theory they could pay off his debts and start again but they can't do that if he's not willing to get to the root of his problems.

Pdbaggett

Well yeah but what's the point in one person in a relationship struggling with money and paying debt back when there is enough to wipe it out? The 28k was earned from the effort of both parties so keeping it all till he behaves better seems a bit draconian to me personally, especially if he pays most of the bills.

I'm still of the ideology a marriage or partnership is supposed to make life easier for each other though not keep money till he sorts himself out.

People make mistakes granted he's an idiot for running up debts again etc but keeping 28k in a bank for nothing at the minute isn't helping especially considering how low interest rates are currently .

I've just paid my partners car loan off not because of any particular reason other than I earn a lot more now and the more money she has the more happier she is and in return the more happier I am.

Tabbytabitha

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

I would if it was a repeating issue involving dishonesty.

But I'd jump through the counselling hoops first.

"Dishonesty" would imply someone stealing money rather than running up debts.

Happier_Me

If the only reason you are considering a divorce is his dishonesty around his debt then I'd at least make one final attempt to resolve things between you. People on this site have recovered from massive secret debt and remained married. This debts sounds manageable within his income.

Change tactics, produce an SOA of all your incomings and outgoings. List his debt down. How much are your household costs? What do you each contribute? What disposable income do you both have? Understand your financial position fully before making a decision about how to address this. To be honest, I'm questioning why you have just £200 left when you're earning £18k and your OH pays the majority of the household bills. Is your split of bills really fair? An SOA will help you figure this out.

Try not to show your anger, this is a fact finding exercise and you will find out much more if you treat it as such.

Gin_and_Milk

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

"Dishonesty" would imply someone stealing money rather than running up debts.

Dishonesty is also lying, which he did unfortunately.

Gin_and_Milk

Right, I contacted OH about sitting down together to sort out our finances properly, as I suppose we have been coasting really. He said he would be happy to do that. I got home from work to find that he has used the loan to pay off mbna (I knew the loan was coming). He's also paid another one of his credit cards off and has contacted Halifax to close it once and for all. That leaves him with the Nationwide credit card which has a 6k limit on it.
Most of my wage is currently put to one side until we switch to a repayment mortgage. This is to pay for work that needs doing to the house and unfortunately not all of it is cosmetic, so every penny really does count as we can't do all of the internal repairs until some of the external ones have been done. When we switch to a repayment mortgage that will come out of my wage. We've always paid more for mortgages because of my partner's age, and this is part of the reason why we need the 28K for the mortgage. Paying his debts off with it means we'd have to borrow more money over a longer period of time than the loan and makes no financial sense whatsoever.
Thanks (to some of you) for your replies, I'm hoping we can go forward with this.
For the record, someone on this thread told me I came across as being controlling - I'm not, I'm actually fairly laid back, but I do worry about money sometimes, and yes, that is an issue of mine but it's very rarely a problem as I do eat every day now (something at one time I couldn't afford to do).
However, that same person also told me that what I was doing was tantamount to financial abuse and that did hurt. I am not an abusive person and that is simply not in my nature. It would take me all my time to hurt someone I couldn't stand never mind anyone else.
Fingers crossed we get this sorted. I'm definitely feeling more positive now than I was yesterday.

Tabbytabitha

Gin_and_Milk wrote: »

Dishonesty is also lying, which he did unfortunately.

Which of us can say that they've never lied about anything in our relationships, whether over a big or small matter?