Partner Borrowing Without Asking WWYD?

TiredandSad · 12 June 2019 at 1:37PM

Created a new account for this, as I want to keep it private.

Over the last few months my partner and I have been struggling for money. We're always on a budget but we have been running out very quickly. For reference, we each have personal accounts where our salaries are paid and we have a joint account where we pay over a set amount each which covers mortgage, utilities, childcare, car repayments, food and anything for our son. From what is left in our personal accounts we pay our mobile bills, personal debt, clothes, toiletries, haircuts etc.
So when we've been running out, one or the other of us has been "loaning" extra money to the joint account to keep us afloat. The other day, I had a look at our bank statement - I'd planned to go through it and see where we could cut back as I'm finding it quite stressful. I found a couple of payments to my partner's account and asked him what they were for - sometimes we use his credit card for big items as it's 0%, but I couldn't remember anything. He told me he didn't know. (Normally I don't look at the account until our quarterly statement comes as he checks it daily.)
Later he woke me up in the night to tell me he had "F-ed up", he had been borrowing sometimes from our joint account and thought he had paid it all back, but hadn't been keeping track. He had totalled it and it came to over £300 that he hadn't paid back over the last quarter. He was quite upset, blamed his mental health (he has been suffering from depression since our son was born 18 months ago) and said he will pay it back but in bits as he can't afford to do it in one go. I told him we'd sort it in the morning and that it would be ok, and we went back to sleep.
He hasn't brought it up since but it has been playing on my mind over the past couple of days. I don't feel that I can trust him anymore - I occasionally borrow from our joint account but I always speak to him first. I'm concerned about our relationship, if he has done this previously and I haven't picked it up, and also that he seems to care more about his hobby than his partner and child - as far as I can tell he has been spending the money to support his hobby. I don't know what to do next.

TL;DR Partner has borrowed over £500 from our joint account and paid back less than £200. He can't afford to pay the rest back except in installments. He didn't speak to me before borrowing this money.

lebowski1980 · 12 June 2019 at 1:52PM

Is there a formal agreement to discuss borrowings from the account before taking any money? I know you always tell him but have to you both had the conversation before to say that this should be the case for both of you?
Depression can lead to impulses and it sounds like your partner is trying to find happiness through his hobby. Can I ask what the hobby is?

My take on it is that yes he may have gone behind your back in taking the money but he has talked to you about it and assuming his hobby is something harmless, I'd be thankful that it wasn't for drugs, alcohol and gambling. Assuming I still loved the person and the relationship was otherwise stable, I would can see a way through this as long as there is financial transparency moving forwards.

It sounds like the stress of being tight for money doesn't help as it will take time to build this up again.

You need to ask him if he has done this before. Hopefully he will be honest with you.
Does he still spend time with you and child? How much time does he spend on his hobby each week vs work, family etc..?

Savvy_Sue · 12 June 2019 at 1:59PM

Well, you don't have to wait for him to bring it up, but I'd try to sort this calmly with the figures in front of you: you don't want to make him feel worse so that he stops telling you, but you do need to let him know how you feel, AND you need to know how he feels - maybe that there's less of him 'left' now baby is here, and that his hobby helps him feel 'himself'. Goodness knows I'm prepared to bet that feeling is mutual ...

The first thing you can agree is that each of you will check the account more frequently than every three months. Do you have login details too?

Socajam · 12 June 2019 at 2:15PM

This may sound callous, but everything nowadays seems to be mental health.

What he did was stole from you and your son. All this time he never had one inkling of bringing it to your attention.
It was disrespectful because once trust is broken, it is extremely hard to regain.

I would not leave it so long to check the joint account again. I would check once a week (overkill maybe). But what happens if you are suddenly faced with a huge bill, thought you had money in the joint account, only to find out that the account is empty.
I have been dead broke through a relationship, and let me tell you it is not a nice feeling. This would be twice as bad for you because a child is also involved.
I would sit down with him and let him know that going forward, you will be checking the joint account weekly - it should only take 15 - 30 minutes the most to go through your DD etc.
You two need to write down everything that is coming into the house and going out and see where cuts can be made.
Not sure if you have cable/satellite, but if money is that tight, ask yourself, do you really need it right now?
If you do not have these already, then you need to start a life happens fund and an emergency fund.
Good luck

TiredandSad · 12 June 2019 at 2:20PM

His hobby is collectable card gaming, he goes out regularly which I'm very supportive of as I think it is good for both of us to have time with our friends. However because it is a deck builder game, he spends a lot of time at home building alternative decks, watching videos, and unfortunately buying new cards for it. I would never want him to stop participating in something he enjoys but I'm worried he is becoming obsessed with it to the detriment of everything else. I'd say he spends 1-2 hours a day on weekdays, a bit more on weekends plus an afternoon out on a Saturday to play.
Savvy_Sue, I had actually ordered login details that way so I can keep a tighter hold on things, when I got home the statement had arrived! I admit I have been content to go along just knowing the balance and leave the "checking" to him. So I do blame myself for not checking, I will certainly be more pro-active. I'm also planning to double check the previous statement in case there is more there I have overlooked.

kazwookie · 12 June 2019 at 2:26PM

You need to check ALL the bank accounts, that are yours or yours jointly at least once a week no matter what.

Your OH is taking money out of the account KNOWING you are not checking for at least 3 months!

Sit down with him again and re look at your budgets and see if anything needs to change.

Take responsibility to ask questions, what was this for, what did we spend this on, and so on.

TiredandSad · 12 June 2019 at 2:27PM

Socajam, I am two-minded about his mental health as I see how much he struggles with a lot of things, but that being said I don't think it's any excuse for this. Disrespectful does sum it it, I almost feel a bit used, but I want to try and move forward proactively and hopefully rebuild my trust in him.
I'll be doing a full SOA, I've taken a day off work to do it in peace next week! We don't have cable etc, or even a TV license, we have Amazon prime which I get for free through my work's rewards scheme

I suspect that the main issue is food shopping but I'll see what the figures bring up.

Candyapple · 12 June 2019 at 2:28PM

TiredandSad wrote: »

For reference, we each have personal accounts where our salaries are paid and we have a joint account where we pay over a set amount each which covers mortgage, utilities, childcare, car repayments, food and anything for our son.

From what is left in our personal accounts we pay our mobile bills, personal debt, clothes, toiletries, haircuts etc.

So when we've been running out, one or the other of us has been "loaning" extra money to the joint account to keep us afloat.

If he took £500 from the joint account - were the mortgage, utilities, childcare etc. all paid? Did you have any missed/unpaid DDs? Or was there enough money to cover all of these costs and the £500 was just 'extra' money you had in the joint account?

Sounds like you both need to sit down and work out a workable budget so that you know where your money is going. I suggest posting up a statement of affairs over on the DFW forum:

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/forumdisplay.php?f=76

spadoosh · 12 June 2019 at 2:34PM

Im the other end....

Joint account.... well its his money.

Grown man, well hes capable of making big boy decisions on his own.

Having to inform partner of buying things and suggestions that he cares more for his hobby than partner and child.... heading towards a level of control that would make me feel uncomfortable.

This is a partnership, its incredibly easy to pick up on failings from the other whilst overlooking any of the positive aspects. Particularly when youve got a young child. I dont know anyone, myself included who hasnt had relationship issues around the 2 year old mark. Its a stressful time. Saying things like prefers hobby and you spent this and that is just going to lead to a competition of which no one wins. I can guarantee treating him like a school boy isnt going to work.

Were probably not in too dissimilar a position. A few months ago, my wife asked if she could book a holiday with her friend, my response was 'why are you asking me?'. I got to a similar stage not long ago where i needed a break, i planned and organised it without any authority. I was courteous enough to ask but it didnt matter what her answer was. I needed a break for the betterment of the relationship.

Sometimes you just need to prioritise yourself in order to offer the best of yourself to your family otherwise you go pop. I wouldnt hate on someone for that.

[Deleted User] · 12 June 2019 at 2:42PM

I must admit I read that and thought what's the big deal. He owes £300 to your joint account , surely its not a crime to be hung drawn and quartered for. Its not a lot of money to be getting upset over. Not everyone is good at micro managing every penny and its really easy to spend £300 IMO.

If it bothers you just set a budget for personal spends and give him cash so he keeps to it whilst you look after the accounts.

Socajam · 12 June 2019 at 2:58PM

TiredandSad wrote: »

Socajam, I am two-minded about his mental health as I see how much he struggles with a lot of things, but that being said I don't think it's any excuse for this. Disrespectful does sum it it, I almost feel a bit used, but I want to try and move forward proactively and hopefully rebuild my trust in him.
I'll be doing a full SOA, I've taken a day off work to do it in peace next week! We don't have cable etc, or even a TV license, we have Amazon prime which I get for free through my work's rewards scheme I suspect that the main issue is food shopping but I'll see what the figures bring up.

Does he do any exercise, it does not have to be strenuous, something like walking daily can really help.
Life is strenuous and sometimes we have to put things in priority and go for a walk.
I have eased up on housework (as long as the bathroom and kitchen is clean) and the rest of the house if tidy, I do thing to make me happy - like walking or some form of exercise daily.
As you say food shopping, look at this and see how you can cut back. You can even take some of the night before dinner for lunch the next day - thus saving up spending money on lunch.

Partner Borrowing Without Asking WWYD?

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