Partner Borrowing Without Asking WWYD?

unholyangel

FWIW, I think it's only a trust breaker/problem if its a pattern.

Anyone can make a mistake. But how you react to that mistake determines your character, not the mistake itself. He seems to have owned up when he realised he was the cause of the shortfall. Unless its a repeating pattern then I don't see any issue.

Good judgement comes from experience. Sometimes experience comes from bad judgement.

Poor_Single_lady

Yes that’s what I think too. Everybody on the planet makes mistakes. Nobody is perfect. It’s not ideal but your partner is only a human like everyone else.
Its a small mistake in the scheme of things.

warby68

OP, I don't think you are over reacting to be hurt and upset.

It is clear from your posts that both of you understand the household budgetting system and that there isn't much to spare and he only disclosed when prompted. For your family, £300 is significant and the consequences of it being missing quite unpleasant. I don't see any controlling here on your part. You thought you had an agreement and he broke it on the quiet.

However I also think the amount and circumstances are still at the 'forgiveable' and 'nip it in the bud' stages. He is being possibly a little child like in now keeping quiet and hoping it goes away but the discussion needs to be had. Hopefully its embarrassment about what he did and the consequences.

The underlying concern of course is whether his hobby is turning into a bit of an addiction or he just got carried away once or twice and has learnt his lesson.

Hopefully the latter and you can move on. If it is escalating, hopefully you can tackle that together too.

Man_From_Bath

if my wife made over 30,000 posts on this website...............

you must have a serious addiction

thankfully we are all different but 30,000 you need to get a life.

NBLondon

TiredandSad wrote: »

I would never want him to stop participating in something he enjoys but I'm worried he is becoming obsessed with it to the detriment of everything else. I'd say he spends 1-2 hours a day on weekdays, a bit more on weekends plus an afternoon out on a Saturday to play.

Every weekday? Every Saturday? For a single person with no other commitments it's not that unusual - but for a man with a family; that does sound a bit like he's escaping from life for whatever reason. Spending all/most of his own disposable income is up to him (as you've said) but dipping into joint funds that he knows are for other purposes is reason for you to object. You're not being controlling - you're reminding him it's a partnership. If he accepts that, he should be thinking of a way to re-balance things (as BrassicWoman says - could he sell off some of the collection?) If he doesn't; or it re-occurs then you might have to be more vigilant.

ska_lover

TiredandSad wrote: »

Ska lover you are being quite aggressive towards me because I have phrased something wrongly. I have had chronic depression since I was 12 so I am fully aware of the stigma and symptoms and I apologise if you found my use of the phrase “no excuse” to be inappropriate.
He is on medication, which I have encouraged him to have checked as I don’t think he is on the correct dosage. He has been offered CBT which he has refused and he doesn’t want anyone except for me to know about it, so if you have any suggestions regarding his mental well-being I will happily research them and also suggest them to him.
A couple of people have called me controlling now, which to be honest I find quite upsetting. I have also been accused of making a big deal over nothing. I’d like to know why people think both these things as I honestly don’t see it. Is it down to the value? Is it because we’re a couple? I really would like to know so I can look at myself from a different perspective.

You read me wrong, I am not intending to come across as aggressive in my tone towards you, in particular - my apologies

The fact you are now telling us you suffer from depression too, this will offer you insight.

My aggravation comes from - in general , a lack of understanding of mental health issues and the stigma around this, from many people. I have a family member who has struggled for years and it really is a bug bear of mine - the sheer hell some people go through as they are constantly being judged in some way or another

To be frank, I think the controlling comments come from (unless I am reading or understanding wrong) that he is borrowing money from a joint account, which he is saving too, and intends to replace? Also the value is not huge. I am in the camp where I don't think its a deal breaker, but he would be paying it back when he could. I don't think anyone is being mean to you, OP, they are just saying things that you don't want to hear

It us unsurprising he doesn't want anyone but you to know. Men in general seem to struggle with this, don't they? - Reaching out for help and talking about it etc.

The fact that he will accept little support, means that he isn't receptive to much help right now. Will he go to the GP to check his medication, when you urge him to?

Once again, apologies if I came on a bit strong, my issue is more a genuine public perception and insight of mental health issues

Pollycat

Man_From_Bath wrote: »

if my wife made over 30,000 posts on this website...............

you must have a serious addiction

thankfully we are all different but 30,000 you need to get a life.

I guess you're referring to this poster:

Mojisola wrote: »

I would be furious if my OH put us in debt so that he could buy something for his hobby!

I would possibly agree if those 30,000 posts had been made in say, a year.

But let's put it into perspective, shall we.

Those 30,000 posts have been made over a period of (almost) 12 years.
That works out at an average of just under 7 posts per day.
Hardly a serious addiction.

Telling someone - who incidentally generally offers well-considered advice - to 'get a life' is not nice.
Different opinions are allowed on here.
And I happen to share the same opinion.
I too would be furious if my OH put us in debt so that he could buy something for his hobby!


Back on topic:

Some posters are making the point that £300 is not that much money. And maybe it isn't a lot to them.

But the point is - it is a lot of money to the OP.

I think the OP should have tackled the issue the morning after her partner made his mid-night confession, instead of waiting for him to bring it up.
I think that has added to her resentment about this money by dwelling on it.

The OP has said they each have their own money which can be spent without any questions - the OP has £75 per month for herself.

So the OP's partner has apparently spent his own money and has 'borrowed' from the living expenses pot. Without asking (which I believe would only have been fair to do) and without saying anything afterwards until caught out.
I can't see the OP is the one in the wrong.

TiredandSad wrote: »

When he uses money that is intended to feed and clothe our child then yes, I do think that shows a preference for his hobby.

I think that too.

gettingtheresometime

Man_From_Bath wrote: »

if my wife made over 30,000 posts on this website...............

you must have a serious addiction

thankfully we are all different but 30,000 you need to get a life.

Make a well known phrase using these words.....pot, kettle, black.

Mojisola

Man_From_Bath wrote: »

if my wife made over 30,000 posts on this website...............

you must have a serious addiction

thankfully we are all different but 30,000 you need to get a life.

You don't know how much I would love to 'get a life'.

Over 30 years of health problems have resulted in me now spending most of my time at home and the computer is my life-line to the outside world.

If I could be out there - working, volunteering, socialising - I would be!

Man_From_Bath

Well i still think its a major obsession posting 30,000 times, and breaking it down to 7 posts per day for 12 years to me is a clear addiction.

There are many things people can do rather than sit on her. And to then make out this Gentleman has comitted some kind of crime is a joke,

Ill lend them £300 if it helps, they can pay back £30 per month for a year, job done.