Partner Borrowing Without Asking WWYD?

ska_lover

Man_From_Bath wrote: »

what a scoundrel

Come on get a grip, life is full of ups and downs, put your arm round each other, tell him you love him and ask him not to do it again.

Don't make it bigger than it is

And this.......................

Mojisola

TiredandSad wrote: »

I think we must lead very different lives. £300 is a LOT of money to us and has led to me having to ask for a loan from my dad to make ends meet one month and us using clubcard vouchers to buy food another month.

I would be furious if my OH put us in debt so that he could buy something for his hobby!

HampshireH

spadoosh wrote: »

Ive taken umbrage at the preference for his hobby comment. Lets put it this way.... im going to assume you pay more for your car finance than you do for your child, add child benefit and its a shoe in. So reasonable for me to say you prefer your car over your child? Its just not is it?

Its really insulting and really controlling. From my perspective, much worse than him spending £300 on trading cards (and i think thats a terrible idea!! even if he was a millionaire!). I do hope you havent already said that to him. itll crush anyone who has self doubts.

Youve not given enough information and if im really honest, there isnt the other side of the story for me to possibly know about some kind of balance. What i will say is if youre about to start dictating where and when he can spend money, you need to be prepared for him questioning every aspect of your spending. Like i said, its a competition you dont want to enter.

It seems hes gone overboard with buying a few packs. Become more aware of the financial trouble, regretted buying them and come clean. He did all of this without you. Surely thats the very best you can hope for from someone who makes a mistake. But you cant trust him and he prefers trading cards over his child? C'mon get some perspective to that.

What does her car have to do with it?

They have agreed to put a set amount in an account to cover all their bills. They get to keep all their other money for whatever they want to spend it on.

He has then taken money set aside and planned for food and bills because he ran out of his own money in his own account leaving them to have to get a family loan for food.

I cannot see how this can be justifed as the OP being controlling

OP has only questioned the missing money for the food shop and bills. I think most people would if it had jointly been budgeted for and then they had to borrow money to feed their child.

TiredandSad

Spadoosh, I get that you’re playing devils advocate, and you are helping me to get things in perspective and help all three of us. But I think we have a fundamental misunderstanding here and maybe I haven’t been clear enough. There are 3 pots: my money, his money and our money. I DO NOT CARE (as long as it’s legal) what he does with his pot. We operate a don’t ask, don’t tell policy on our personal money and we have worked it out so we have similar levels of disposable income after bills, food and personal debt repayments. This disposable income covers our clothes, leisure and personal care (toiletries, haircuts, occasionally I have my nails done, that kind of thing) for reference I have around £75 per month for this type of thing. The “our money” pot is for our essentials and leisure things for our son. This is the pot that he has borrowed from so I feel within my rights to question where it has gone.
Whoever brought up my car (I can’t remember and the mobile site is weird!) the amount I pay out on childcare alone is higher than my car repayment, insurance and fuel combined so your point is moot. I also don’t feel that the two things are comparable, since my car is essential for my job which brings in a decent proportion of the money in question.
I recognise that some people think I’m making a big deal over nothing. I may not be doing a good job of expressing this but we are not rich by a long shot. £300 to both of us is a significant amount of money. I also think I am within my rights to question if there is anything else I’m unaware of, call it the checking I should already have been doing if you like. I might not have expressed it properly; I don’t, for example, question his faithfulness to me or his love for our child. My doubt is born from the fact that he didn’t (as someone had said) freely admit it; it only came to light when I started to question it, and I still think that he should have said something at the time instead of just taking it, REGARDLESS of if he planned to pay it back.
Finally, massive thanks to DigForVictory for your very in depth and supportive answer, it was really helpful and I have gained a lot of perspective from it.

TiredandSad

Ska lover you are being quite aggressive towards me because I have phrased something wrongly. I have had chronic depression since I was 12 so I am fully aware of the stigma and symptoms and I apologise if you found my use of the phrase “no excuse” to be inappropriate.
He is on medication, which I have encouraged him to have checked as I don’t think he is on the correct dosage. He has been offered CBT which he has refused and he doesn’t want anyone except for me to know about it, so if you have any suggestions regarding his mental well-being I will happily research them and also suggest them to him.
A couple of people have called me controlling now, which to be honest I find quite upsetting. I have also been accused of making a big deal over nothing. I’d like to know why people think both these things as I honestly don’t see it. Is it down to the value? Is it because we’re a couple? I really would like to know so I can look at myself from a different perspective.

Savvy_Sue

Rather than saying "you come across as controlling", I might say "it might appear that you are trying to control him" or "he might feel that you are trying to control him". I'm not suggesting that is your intention, just that is how it might appear, especially to people with different experiences of handling money issues.

And I think you're doing a good job of handling a situation you weren't anticipating, that was sprung on you.

I didn't state it explicitly, but communication has to be the answer here. Not just about the money, but about the feelings too. Hopefully calmly, hopefully constructively.

ATM DH isn't working, and he's had a few 'projects' he's wanted to be involved with. We don't have a lot of money coming in, so there's always a discussion about whether this is the best use of that money. Sometimes I query that aspect, and sometimes we spend it, and sometimes we don't. What we don't do is argue about it.

Poor_Single_lady

I would feel sad in your shoes but to me it sounds like just a bump in the road in An otherwise happy relationship. Not having the rest of the information but you don’t sound unhappy about anything else and this came quite unexpectedly.

A lot of people need to have an outlet and he must have felt like he couldn’t justify this to you. If he is otherwise kind and good to you and your child I would try to get through and move forward. Not to dismiss your feelings because I think it is upsetting - and maybe more so because it sounds like he doesn’t want to talk to you about it.

But people have complex needs and maybe for him having access to all the money is not a good thing?
I wish you all the best. Hope you can get through it. xx

onwards&upwards

OP, get off the marriages board and get yourself over to debt free wannabe.

It’s completely non-judgemental and the experts on there will help you sort your household finances in a way that works for all of you.

Be prepared for the suggestion that 50/50 on bills etc is not usually the way to go unless you also earn exactly the same.

Good luck.

theoretica

TiredandSad wrote: »

I occasionally borrow from our joint account but I always speak to him first.

Has he ever said no when you speak to him about borrowing money from the joint account? If not, it may make the speaking to each other seem a bit of a formality which he skipped. I suggest that it might be simpler if you discussed a new policy that neither of you borrow from the joint account in future.

BrassicWoman

It's really easy to spend a lot on CCGs; I have, when I had it to spare!

Maybe an agreement that he just spends on regular tournament packs, and no additional deck building except for swaps.... set some parameters and understand what that costs.

Not all players have oodles of cash, he just needs to play with the ones in the same boat as him.

Also, does he have any rares in mint/sleeved/unplayed condition that he could ebay to make the money back?

I've certainly played with photocopied rares just for the fun of the game, although that's not tournament legal...