Partner Borrowing Without Asking WWYD?

Mojisola

TiredandSad wrote: »

I'd say he spends 1-2 hours a day on weekdays, a bit more on weekends plus an afternoon out on a Saturday to play.

Assuming he works and spends this time on his hobby, do you have any time together as a couple and as a family?

Does he do his share of chores round the house and spend time with his son on his own?

Do you get a similar amount of time to spend on your own interests?

TiredandSad

Candyapple wrote: »

If he took £500 from the joint account - were the mortgage, utilities, childcare etc. all paid? Did you have any missed/unpaid DDs? Or was there enough money to cover all of these costs and the £500 was just 'extra' money you had in the joint account?

Sounds like you both need to sit down and work out a workable budget so that you know where your money is going. I suggest posting up a statement of affairs over on the DFW forum:

All our priority bills were up to date, the money came from food and emergency fund money (what's left at the end of the month goes into our teeny tiny savings pot) He took it in bits and bobs over a few months and paid some back but not all of it.

SOA will be my next stage, but you won't see it on this account It'll be on my normal one!

TiredandSad

spadoosh wrote: »

Im the other end....

Joint account.... well its his money.

Grown man, well hes capable of making big boy decisions on his own.

Having to inform partner of buying things and suggestions that he cares more for his hobby than partner and child.... heading towards a level of control that would make me feel uncomfortable.

This is a partnership, its incredibly easy to pick up on failings from the other whilst overlooking any of the positive aspects. Particularly when youve got a young child. I dont know anyone, myself included who hasnt had relationship issues around the 2 year old mark. Its a stressful time. Saying things like prefers hobby and you spent this and that is just going to lead to a competition of which no one wins. I can guarantee treating him like a school boy isnt going to work.


Were probably not in too dissimilar a position. A few months ago, my wife asked if she could book a holiday with her friend, my response was 'why are you asking me?'. I got to a similar stage not long ago where i needed a break, i planned and organised it without any authority. I was courteous enough to ask but it didnt matter what her answer was. I needed a break for the betterment of the relationship.

Sometimes you just need to prioritise yourself in order to offer the best of yourself to your family otherwise you go pop. I wouldnt hate on someone for that.

I have to say I'm struggling to agree with you on this, as we keep money back in our individual accounts to spend on ourselves. Whatever goes into the joint account is for household running costs. I would never tell him that he couldn't participate in his hobby, in fact I actively support it particularly the social aspect, but surely there needs to be some kind of balance? As for his money, I genuinely don't care what he spends that on provided it is within his means. When he uses money that is intended to feed and clothe our child then yes, I do think that shows a preference for his hobby.

DigForVictory

You didn't pick your username with a pin, did you? Can I offer you the assurance that contingent on adequate health & both of you sticking at it, the hair-raising times of being the parent of a two year old do pass. (Mother of 3 here, and for one memorable year 3 under 5.) It Does Get Better on the small person side. Communications improve (until teens, but don't let me discourage you! They do return to full sentences, albeit on their terms.) They tend to sleep reliably & once in any kind of child care then education, you have the beginnings of a Routine that you will find both stultifying and a huge relief.

As for money, the critical question is, other than the very nasty shock, did it matter? Is £300 a critical amount to ensure mortgage, utilities, transport, food are covered? Or is it enough to put the wind up you, without actually damaging anything this time? Or is it mostly I didn't realise & maybe I should have done?

You're going to book time to do an SOA - well done & no matter how old the child or how much the money, that you can be startled means you will be happier knowing a few more facts. You can then be generous with spouse (for your own value of generous) in reassurance and you have set a useful precedent. Can you make a habit of that making time? At least once a quarter, book a day out to yourself. Not to spend with a microscope over the finances, but to remind yourself you are a grown-up, with other things in your life beside child & husband. Take a walk in a park without the blinking pushchair or wondering where you can change a nappy, catch up on podcasts, do three things you might otherwise not allow yourself to do that cost under a fiver (total) but make you smile just thinking about it, or planning it.

You already support him in this deck-building - and may I say well done? It is not easy being a blinking gaming widow with a young child, especially when you might wish you could spend Saturday afternoons doing something as a family. Wishes are horses. Try the boot on the other foot - you & child have a two hour window of opportunity to catch a film, meet a friend, hop a bus for 45 minutes share an icecream & hop another back - some or all of the above. Turn wishes into little flexible plans & ride like Dettori.

The SOA will tell you whether you need to apply vigorous brakes, or just take a slightly different route. Once you have that in hand, you can return to most of the previous calm, with additional facts. Strangely reassuring things - they help you assess whether something might be a big jolt or a little bump & whether you'll need new suspension or just to check the tyre pressure.

You are, reasonably, anxious. The SOA will help a lot. It will also tell you if that early reaction, uncertain as to trust, was justified. Yes, decks are not cheap and they are time consuming but ye gods, gambling, drinking, drugs - they have a much higher rate of killing relationships & people. Is he seeing anyone about the depression, taking any meds, should he? Or has he just surprised you, rather harder than he meant to?

TiredandSad

BBH123 wrote: »

I must admit I read that and thought what's the big deal. He owes £300 to your joint account , surely its not a crime to be hung drawn and quartered for. Its not a lot of money to be getting upset over. Not everyone is good at micro managing every penny and its really easy to spend £300 IMO.

I think we must lead very different lives. £300 is a LOT of money to us and has led to me having to ask for a loan from my dad to make ends meet one month and us using clubcard vouchers to buy food another month.

BBH123 wrote: »

If it bothers you just set a budget for personal spends and give him cash so he keeps to it whilst you look after the accounts.

We already had this in place - we pay into our joint account for household things and the remainder in our personal accounts is our budget. The issue I have is that he has borrowed from "our" money to supplement his personal budget without even mentioning it to me and left us struggling while he spent it on himself.

spadoosh

TiredandSad wrote: »

I have to say I'm struggling to agree with you on this, as we keep money back in our individual accounts to spend on ourselves. Whatever goes into the joint account is for household running costs. I would never tell him that he couldn't participate in his hobby, in fact I actively support it particularly the social aspect, but surely there needs to be some kind of balance? As for his money, I genuinely don't care what he spends that on provided it is within his means. When he uses money that is intended to feed and clothe our child then yes, I do think that shows a preference for his hobby.

Ive taken umbrage at the preference for his hobby comment. Lets put it this way.... im going to assume you pay more for your car finance than you do for your child, add child benefit and its a shoe in. So reasonable for me to say you prefer your car over your child? Its just not is it?

Its really insulting and really controlling. From my perspective, much worse than him spending £300 on trading cards (and i think thats a terrible idea!! even if he was a millionaire!). I do hope you havent already said that to him. itll crush anyone who has self doubts.

Youve not given enough information and if im really honest, there isnt the other side of the story for me to possibly know about some kind of balance. What i will say is if youre about to start dictating where and when he can spend money, you need to be prepared for him questioning every aspect of your spending. Like i said, its a competition you dont want to enter.

It seems hes gone overboard with buying a few packs. Become more aware of the financial trouble, regretted buying them and come clean. He did all of this without you. Surely thats the very best you can hope for from someone who makes a mistake. But you cant trust him and he prefers trading cards over his child? C'mon get some perspective to that.

Man_From_Bath

what a scoundrel

Come on get a grip, life is full of ups and downs, put your arm round each other, tell him you love him and ask him not to do it again.

Don't make it bigger than it is

spadoosh

Sorry i should apologise. Im a stranger on the internet commenting on what is something that is very personal to you. I dont have the information only a short amount of text to draw conclusions from. Theres always two sides to stories and i tend to side with the underdog, online its usually the person not there to air their side.

ska_lover

TiredandSad wrote: »

Socajam, I am two-minded about his mental health as I see how much he struggles with a lot of things, but that being said I don't think it's any excuse for this. .

Mental health is not an excuse, it is a reason.

An excuse and a reason are two, very different things

What treatment is your husband receiving for his depression?

People with mental health issues are renowned for having bad monetary skills. It is a symptom of his illness - you can read about it on MIND or even on this website, it is well documented.

Don't downplay mental health issues as excuses. Things like this are stigmatising. This is why people do not reach out for help. This is why people take their own lives. ZERO UNDERSTANDING.

Borrowing without asking? Is he not putting the savings in, too? It sounds very controlling. You need to stop and see the bigger picture of what is really going on here

His card game - it is very likely escapism from the problems in his mind. It is probably not him choosing a game over you/family.

Not everything is about you.

Everything you are describing is a symptom of depression.

What would I do? Nothing. Nothing at all, about the money. But I would be doing something, about the glaringly obvious issue, here.

ska_lover

BBH123 wrote: »

I must admit I read that and thought what's the big deal. He owes £300 to your joint account , surely its not a crime to be hung drawn and quartered for. Its not a lot of money to be getting upset over. Not everyone is good at micro managing every penny and its really easy to spend £300 IMO.


If it bothers you just set a budget for personal spends and give him cash so he keeps to it whilst you look after the accounts.

And this.

I don't think it is a major deal, like relationship breaker or a trust breaker or however else anyone wants to dramatise it