Advice re: Ex and my Mother.

doodoot wrote: »

I was quite nervous about posting in here regarding this, as it is still very raw where emotions are concerned...but I'm so glad that I did as the advice from you all is such a help.

No matter how bad things have been, I've never badmouthed their father to them - they have formed their own opinions and have never once asked to see him or said they're upset because they don't...quite telling huh?

Anyway, I'm assuming he is still local due to what a mutual acquaintance has said, so distance isn't an issue.

I personally don't think that he does this as a way of keeping in contact - more likely he has lied to his family about who severed contact, and he wants to stay in his mother's will (previous to the last contact agreement, his family were cordial to me and were exasperated with his behaviour, then they clammed up).

I have no idea when or what time he will turn up, so I can't be there when he arrives - I just hope that it isn't when my boys are there otherwise they will both go back to square 1.

I really can't understand why my mum lets him in...she's the one who was the most vocal throughout our relationship in telling me to kick him out! :mad:

I tried last year to sit her down and tell her that she shouldn't be letting him in, and that she should have told him to contact me to arrange present-giving.

Her reply was along the lines of "well he hasn't done anything to me, so why shouldn't I let him into MY house?!".....no mum, all he's done is drive your daughter to the brink of suicide and murder of her children due to clinical depression, has abandoned your grandchildren and caused them to have therapy and refuses to pay maintenance for said grandchildren but thinks that a few cheap toys and easter egg each year more than makes up for everything.

Does your mum understand what seeing him will do to the boys?

Is there anyway she could mind the boys at your house to remove the risk of the boys seeing him?

I would absolutely keep them away. Who knows what harm might be done if they are there when he turns up. Like the others on here I would be having stern words, in fact more than stern ones! Personally I would be saying to her that the welfare of your kids comes before any relationship with her, and if she wants to see them again she needs to listen to your rules and stick to them.

Maybe a week or so without them might focus her mind. Maybe you should take the Easter eggs and unplayed with toys back so that he can take them away if he turns up!

doodoot wrote: »

I'm tempted to keep them away from hers next week in case he tries it on and turns up at school home time in the hope of seeing them, even though he doesn't know which days they go there.

I'm just torn as to what to do...do I threaten her? Do I tell the boys that he and his family have left presents/cards for them?

I wouldn't take the risk of the boys seeing him. If your mum won't agree to go straight from school to your house in a taxi, I think you have no option but to make other arrangements during the run-up to Christmas. Their dads behaviour appears to have caused them psychological problems in the past, and a visit which they are unprepared for could be a very bad thing.

Regarding the presents and cards: I think you ought to give them to the boys, but you could choose the time to suit - maybe just after Christmas or the birthdays so they're calmer?

doodoot wrote: »

I'm tempted to keep them away from hers next week in case he tries it on and turns up at school home time in the hope of seeing them, even though he doesn't know which days they go there.

I'm just torn as to what to do...do I threaten her? Do I tell the boys that he and his family have left presents/cards for them?

I am not going to comment on your mother as word fail me at the moment.

I agree (if possible) to steer the children home after school rather than to hers- just incase. But that doesnt solve, easter or next xmas does it? Saying that i dunno how you are ever going to solve it bar getting mother 'onside' or starting communication with the ex (both seem impossible ATM from what you state)

You dont threaten her - you talk to her calmly and voice your wishes regarding YOUR children. ie if he should turn up when kids are there he isnt to see them. If she feel uncomfortable about this get her to say 'its on your orders'

Yes she can invite whoever she wishes into her home, but does she really want to excercise this right to the detrement of her own grandchildren?

Finally, Do you tell them they have gifts from their father/granny/auntys etc? Yes, you do - as its the right thing to do. I know its hard for you, but in years to come if they were to find out about the gifts and realised you either kept the gifts from them, or didnt specifically state they were from father and co it will cause issues. of that i am quite sure. I assume you have told them in the past as you state eggs have gone untouched and toys not played with, so why change? Maybe telling them prior to or after xmas day/birthday would be more appropriate? Just incase it dulls the day for whatever reaason for them.

Bigs hugs op. Terrible situation but as always the best advice i can give is re-read your posts, take your emotion out of it and answer as if it was another members query. I am sure you will be able to see a solution if you do it this way -always tends to work for me :D

victory wrote: »

If their dad has caused this much mental trauma to the children what benefit is there for them to see them?

I dont think the op intends for this to happen.As far as i can see its more about the threat of it happening, mothers apparant lack of understanding (ops mum not the boys mum!) and what any accidental meeting (whilst at mothers home) would do to the boys. Plusa ll the added stress of attempting to do the right thing ie telling children presents are off absent father and his family