Advice re: Ex and my Mother.

doodoot

Really hope this doesn't turn into a rant...but am sure it will.

So...4 years ago I threw out my ex - and father to my 2 sons - due to emotional and mental abuse that he gave out to all 3 of us.

At the time I was working so was able to provide for us, so I didn't ask for money or contacted the CSA.

Contact was on/off for the first couple of years due to his drug/drink use - I found cocaine in his fridge during a visit whilst I was making a brew, so I stopped contact.

Many times he would stop contact and tell me to either kill the kids so that he would be free to do what he wanted, or to tell the kids that he was dead so that they wouldn't ask to see him - seeing his kids interfered with his partying lifestyle. :mad:

The last round of contact ended 2 years ago when he made the boys lie about where he was taking them - he said they were at his mum's, but they were actually at his new girlfriend's house.

I was fine with them going there but my solicitor said that he needed to give his new address for safety reasons - he doesn't have parental responsibility, and would not answer his phone if he saw my number or an unknown number calling.

He refused, stopped contact and they've not seen him since - I've heard that he refused because he didn't want the CSA chasing him...which I wouldn't have done as I don't want/need his cash.

Now here's the bit where I'm stressing...at Easter and early December he turns up at my mother's laden with presents from him and his family (who also don't contact my sons) and she welcomes him in.

To quote her "You should be grateful that he makes the effort to bring things for them"...right..:mad:

He's due to make an appearance any day now and I need advice on what to say or do with regards to my mother - my boys go to hers twice a week after school and she tends to tell them that 'Daddy' has been before she tells me.

She knows about everything that has happened over the past 4 years, and that my eldest is still in therapy because of him...but still she says that I should be grateful....ARGH!!!!...if I knew his number then I'd tell him to stay away, and I can't call his family's home as they put the phone down when I say it's me - he told them I stopped contact, hence their reaction.

flutterby_lil

Maybe this is his way of trying to get back in contact with them.

How far away are you from him?

I think I would be having a harsh word with my mum and telling her that until he makes contact with you about arranging something set in stone so the kids aren't let down again then you will stop the boys going to hers without you.

I wouldn't be very happy either.

Barneysmom

Hiya, I'm presuming that your mom has them after school as you have to work? If that's the case it might be an idea to book a day off and be there when he turns up, your mom might see his true colours then?

Tell him it's time he started paying towards his children's upbringing, you might not see him for dust then

Ravenlady_2

I have this issue with my mother, she invited my ex to Christmas dinner!

She thinks she is doing the right thing regarding keeping the peace and not taking sides but its a case of if she is gullible enough to believe his side of the story, there always is 2 sides, invariably twisted to some degree. You really need to get this sorted, why she allows him in to her home and where her loyalty lies.

skylight

This is a harsh chat you need to have with your Mum. Really strong words would be coming out of my mouth to her as its simply not her place to get involved especially as her grandson is still in therapy over it all!

And even if he does turn up, then you tell him then to bog off.

*max*

I would be fuming! It's not for her to decide what's best for your children, and she has NO right to interfere and go against your wishes, especially with the history behind it. How long will it be till she lets him see the children at her house?

I would have to have words with her, and let her know that unless this stops, you will not be leaving the children with her anymore.

brians_daughter

op - playing devils advocate here maybe your mum thinks some contact would be good (even if just presents) I know its not her decision to make but I know my mum (still does) did everything she could to get me and my ex back together although there was no abuse involved.

She may also be thinking it 'would be nice' for the children to know (in some strange money laddened way) that they are thought about by the fathers side of the family. As you and the ex do not speak he relly has nowhere else to drop off gifts etc - or does he?

Whilst i disagree with your mothers (and childrens fathers) actions i feel that the children getting gifts from the other side of the family iykwim is positive.

My eldest nephew has spent many christmas days crying as his father hadnt sent so much as a card. Whilst his father is (IMO) a waste of space its not my place (nor the mothers) to impose negative views of his father he will form his own opinions when old enough- I am not saying you do in any way, shape or form BTW but a gift from grandparents and him may be treasured by the children

re your mother telling the kids of his visit you need to sit down with her and have very stern words about how she is conducting herself. My big issue would be telling the children he has been, not the fact that she allows him to drop gifts off

CH27

What is your children's reaction to the presents from their dad & other relatives on his side?

Does he acknowledge their birthdays?

doodoot

I was quite nervous about posting in here regarding this, as it is still very raw where emotions are concerned...but I'm so glad that I did as the advice from you all is such a help.

No matter how bad things have been, I've never badmouthed their father to them - they have formed their own opinions and have never once asked to see him or said they're upset because they don't...quite telling huh?

Anyway, I'm assuming he is still local due to what a mutual acquaintance has said, so distance isn't an issue.

I personally don't think that he does this as a way of keeping in contact - more likely he has lied to his family about who severed contact, and he wants to stay in his mother's will (previous to the last contact agreement, his family were cordial to me and were exasperated with his behaviour, then they clammed up).

I have no idea when or what time he will turn up, so I can't be there when he arrives - I just hope that it isn't when my boys are there otherwise they will both go back to square 1.

I really can't understand why my mum lets him in...she's the one who was the most vocal throughout our relationship in telling me to kick him out! :mad:

I tried last year to sit her down and tell her that she shouldn't be letting him in, and that she should have told him to contact me to arrange present-giving.

Her reply was along the lines of "well he hasn't done anything to me, so why shouldn't I let him into MY house?!".....no mum, all he's done is drive your daughter to the brink of suicide and murder of her children due to clinical depression, has abandoned your grandchildren and caused them to have therapy and refuses to pay maintenance for said grandchildren but thinks that a few cheap toys and easter egg each year more than makes up for everything.

Alikay

I agree with brians daughter: So long as there's no risk of any face-to-face contact which hasn't been agreed, it could be beneficial for the children to know that their father and his family care about them. It could be good for their self esteem and identity to know they've not been forgotten.

I'd make sure your mum knows it's out of order to tell the kids of his visits, though, and maybe the gifts should be held back until you're around too. I'd also be very careful that she doesn't disclose too much information about your life in case he uses it against you at some point.

doodoot

CH27 wrote: »

What is your children's reaction to the presents from their dad & other relatives on his side?

Does he acknowledge their birthdays?

Yes he acknowledges Easter, birthdays and Christmas - their birthdays are in December, hence him being due any day.

(Read my above post as to why he I reckon he does).

As for the boys, they don't speak about it or show any interest in what has been bought - their Easter eggs went untouched, and last year's presents weren't played with.