Advice re: Ex and my Mother.

skylight

Reading others posts here I too am going to add in my tuppence worth that I didn't at the beginning!

Snap! Is all I can say. My ex is a waste of space - menally ill so passed on that stresses, strains and cruelty, emotional abuse that goes with it. Mum thought he was a horrid waste of space when we were together, been through to many jobs, expecting too much of me, rubbish father etc. But since the split has been the opposite. Even when Mum found out he had another child behind my back it wasn't a problem. Nan is "oh he made you a cup of coffee; isn't he good to you?". The toad rarely sees the kids mainly because him mind cannot cope with it and when he is on a good roll I wont let him see the kids because I know the downer is coming very soon and he will be out of their lives again quickly - I refused to put the kids through that again.

Mum thinks I should feel sorry for him because he is ill. Now, generally I would say yes; with someone who is ill you should have some sympathy for but I find it really hard when I had to put up with it all for a long time (most of it was before it was discovered he was ill). Mum thinks its fantastic when he remembers a child birthday but forgives him when he forgets another ones!

At least my Dad is on my side! He smiles at him through gritted teeth and is polite enough but really doesn't like him.


(For the record, he does currently see the kids, for 2 hrs every 3 weeks - its all he can manage and not enough for the kids to get upset over if he doesn't turn up as 3 weeks is an eternity for young ones! And its the youngests bitrthday today; not sure if he is going to turn up or not yet, all I got was "I'll try.)


Anyway - the point is; I agree with the generational thing. For my Mum though I think its something to do with a small dig at me making the wrong choice in father from the beginning, and its all my fault for not putting up with it. ex-SIL has her full sympathy though as she has 2 kids and my brother left her for another woman. Poor SIL. Its a terrible life she has bringing up those kids on her own. Er Mum! Oi, I have 5 on my own, what about a bit of help here - "Yes, but it was your decision wasn't it? K had no choice so its more difficult for her".

ARGH!!

I'm going to put the kettle on and leave before this turns into a 10-page rant. Still, nearly divorced so there is always a bright side to everything.

POPPYOSCAR

Sorry, but going from what you have said about your ex, there is no way in the world my children would be going to my mother in these circumstances.

And she would be told exactly what I thought of her.

pauletruth

stick the csa on him. use the money to pay for after school care. then you will not be dependent on your mum. this should take the tension out of the relationship. it could also scare him off.

ViolaLass

molliejo wrote: »

My husbands ex is trying to stop him seeing his son, every time it come's around to collecting him she says he either can't or doesn't want to come. He hasn't seem him for 8 weeks now and their is no reason why he wouldn't want to come. My hubby will try again on Tuesday as he does every week and I'm sure he'll get the same again.

I thought that if it carrys on he should send a card etc for Christmas so his son knows he is thinking about him. Do you think this is a bad idea. After reading this post (I know the circumstances are different) I'm not so sure now.

Why wait for Christmas? Why not send a card at any time, then the children know it's being sent because someone loves them/is thinking of them and not 'because it's Christmas'. In fact, why not send a card a week? Or email? (depends how old the child is, of course).

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I would be tempted to stump up the money for an afterschool club from now on.

Takes away the power she has over you. Keeps the children out of a distressing situation. Sets boundaries that nobody is going to cross with you - as boundaries seem to be the problem for you, well people overstepping yours, at any rate.

If he was that bothered, he'd be communicating with you (through solicitors) to arrange proper contact and providing all details necessary to ensure their safety.

And then your mother can decide whether she can manage the five minutes to your house to see your children outside doing you a favour and you can supervise whether she says anything inappropriate or not.

doodoot

flutterby_lil wrote: »

doodoot, any news, have you had a word or has he been round with any birthday presents yet?

Oh yes, lots of words...mainly from her.

I told her that if anyone came round that she was to welcome to let them in but make it plain that any further gifts were to be arranged through me - I told her to give them my number.

She told me to not dictate who she welcome into her home, and that they've not done anything to her...at this point I gave up and told her to do what the eff she wanted.

(I was stressed before this due to hearing my paternal grandmother had just died, and really didn't want a confrontation with mum).

Ex's family turned up on Wednesday - mother and 2 sisters, but he didn't come.

I went on Thursday, she made a point of grinning and telling me they'd been and that I should be grateful they'd made the effort.

If you can picture someone who is known as a gossip and !!!! stirrer who slides up to you with a grin on their face that says 'I know something you don't know', then that's how she was acting - it was like she couldn't wait to see my reaction.

I ignored her, said nothing and she was totally deflated...cue my youngest stating 'dad's a pr1ck and he can jog on if he thinks I'm gonna be grateful for getting a tenner!' :T:rotfl:

So, after speaking to my boys we've all decided that if they arrive with gifts and cards in the future that they will be accepted and my mum's behaviour will be ignored.

Thanks everyone for your constructive replies, although I would love to vent my anger and frustration about the whole thing I don't want my boys to be parted from their nana, which will happen if I fall out with her.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

doodoot wrote: »

Oh yes, lots of words...mainly from her.

I told her that if anyone came round that she was to welcome to let them in but make it plain that any further gifts were to be arranged through me - I told her to give them my number.

She told me to not dictate who she welcome into her home, and that they've not done anything to her...at this point I gave up and told her to do what the eff she wanted.

(I was stressed before this due to hearing my paternal grandmother had just died, and really didn't want a confrontation with mum).

Ex's family turned up on Wednesday - mother and 2 sisters, but he didn't come.

I went on Thursday, she made a point of grinning and telling me they'd been and that I should be grateful they'd made the effort.

If you can picture someone who is known as a gossip and !!!! stirrer who slides up to you with a grin on their face that says 'I know something you don't know', then that's how she was acting - it was like she couldn't wait to see my reaction.

I ignored her, said nothing and she was totally deflated...cue my youngest stating 'dad's a pr1ck and he can jog on if he thinks I'm gonna be grateful for getting a tenner!' :T:rotfl:

So, after speaking to my boys we've all decided that if they arrive with gifts and cards in the future that they will be accepted and my mum's behaviour will be ignored.

Thanks everyone for your constructive replies, although I would love to vent my anger and frustration about the whole thing I don't want my boys to be parted from their nana, which will happen if I fall out with her.

You do realise that she will be in a position to keep telling your boys 'your Daddy and other family all love you but Mummy doesn't want them near you, but I'm a really good Nanny and we'll just do what we like when she's not here' don't you?

And that could easily turn into a 'Nanny's got a BIG surprise for you boys when we get home. Guess who's indoors waiting to see you?'

meritaten

I tend to agree with JoJo - but, it sounds like your kids at least, have the situation sussed! they are NOT impressed with this show of family 'love' while you are trying to protect them - they KNOW that dads a waste of space! and your mum needs to be very careful here - pushing dad and his family onto your kids could backfire on HER big time! so put it to her, that the kids are wondering why nan is so 'fond' of dad, after the way he has treated mum and them in the past?

doodoot

Right, I'm definitely having words with her later.

The boys had to go to her house after school yesterday, and when we were in the car on the way home..."nana said that dad went round at the weekend with my birthday and christmas stuff". :mad:

I know that I said that I would rise above it and ignore her, but it's not my DS1's birthday til towards the end of the month...so she's gonna hang on to his birthday and xmas stuff for all that time and then ceremoniously bring it all out and gloat that she's had it for some time.

What makes it stink even more is that the reason why they had to go to hers yesterday is because I had a meeting with my DS2's psychologist, and were discussing his improvement...whilst my mum's telling them both that the guy who caused them pain has been welcomed into her house.

I am so ****ing mad it is unreal.

bunty109

doodoot wrote: »

Right, I'm definitely having words with her later.

The boys had to go to her house after school yesterday, and when we were in the car on the way home..."nana said that dad went round at the weekend with my birthday and christmas stuff". :mad:

I know that I said that I would rise above it and ignore her, but it's not my DS1's birthday til towards the end of the month...so she's gonna hang on to his birthday and xmas stuff for all that time and then ceremoniously bring it all out and gloat that she's had it for some time.

What makes it stink even more is that the reason why they had to go to hers yesterday is because I had a meeting with my DS2's psychologist, and were discussing his improvement...whilst my mum's telling them both that the guy who caused them pain has been welcomed into her house.

I am so ****ing mad it is unreal.

Doodot, I totally understand how you must be feeling. I don't suppose it would be an idea to take you mum with you to the psychologist and examine the effect her actions might be having on the boys?