Advice re: Ex and my Mother.

paddy's_mum

Do you know what would most worry me? It's what else your mother has or will over-rule you on (behind your back if need be!) and how many other of your rights she will trample over and totally disregard.

Sorry OP but what a stupid woman! She is being unbelievably short sighted and going the right way to provoke an estrangement and cut her own throat with regard to (presumably) her loved ones.

I think you've been a saint not to confront her about this before now and I surely admire your restraint!

GobbledyGook

Looking at it from a different angle - could you mother be frightened to turn him away because of how vile he was to you?

Or be thinking that if he doesn't pay you anything for the children's upkeep the least he could do is spend money to allow them nice things at Christmas?

If she's point blank refusing to not allow him in then at the very least she shouldn't be telling them that he has been without speaking to you first. (although that wouldn't be enough for me)

I'm afraid if she was over-ruling me on something that had such a deterimental effect on my child's health then my children would be going elsewhere for childcare.

Errata

What's in all this for the mother? She sounds like a complete witch if she's prepared to overlook the SIL's abuse of her daughter, his drug taking and the fact that if he was asked to pay child support via CSA he'd disappear off the face of the earth? What's attracting her to him? If it was my mum I'd expect her to go after him with the coal shovel the second he opened the garden gate. And she would.

NewLifeAhead_2

I get a lump in my throat when i think about how my mother and grandmother treat my ex. everything he put me and my eldest through, they absolutely hated him when we were together because of the things he did yet since weve been apart they treat him like hes father of the year and i HATE it. They spin the same line "you should be thankful he even wants to know" because my own biological "father" never wanted to know me (which was the best thing that ever happened to me), when in actual fact he only wants to "know" dd to score brownie points with my family and continue to hurt me.
I would speak up to your mum and explain how its makes you feel. I have done this and not made any progress however ive always been too much of a push over with my family - especially my nan.
anyway just wanted to say your not alone and i hope you manage to sort it out xx

Ames

OP, does your mum fully understand your son's problems and the connections with his father? Or is she the type who thinks therapists are all a waste of time, and people with problems should just pull themselves together?

Maybe if she could talk to the therapist it might help get through to her?

meritaten

I have to wonder WHY or HOW your ex is manipulating your mother so easily? Why does mum think that its so good that ex is bringing presents etc? why does she think that this is a 'good' thing? does your mum have an 'absent' dad in HER past? did she long for contact, any contact? or is she thinking that the children should have some contact with him, even if its only twice yearly presents?
I really think you should be asking mum these questions - understanding HER motives will be the key to getting mum to understand YOURS.

dark_lady

I think one of the problems here could be generational. The trouble is women of our mothers generation were brought up to believe that "its the woman who holds the marriage together" and that when things go wrong its usually the womans fault and she should have put up with more crap and sucked more !!!! etc.:mad:

Could this be something to do with it? Sorry if im way off but do you think she could be doing this subconciously without being aware of it if you know what i mean.

MarilynMonroe_2

You have my sympathies with your mother as I have one the same. She thinks my ex husband has the sun shining out of his rear end even though she knows he hit me and broke my finger, but in her words 'she likes him' , she doesnt give a toss about me only her gc maybe... i think youve got to think of your kids over your mothers feelings, and if she wont do the decent thing by putting her own flesh and blood over a man who let you and her grandkids down then you've got to stop your kids going there. xx

dark_lady

NewLifeAhead wrote: »

I get a lump in my throat when i think about how my mother and grandmother treat my ex. everything he put me and my eldest through, they absolutely hated him when we were together because of the things he did yet since weve been apart they treat him like hes father of the year and i HATE it. They spin the same line "you should be thankful he even wants to know" because my own biological "father" never wanted to know me (which was the best thing that ever happened to me), when in actual fact he only wants to "know" dd to score brownie points with my family and continue to hurt me.
I would speak up to your mum and explain how its makes you feel. I have done this and not made any progress however ive always been too much of a push over with my family - especially my nan.
anyway just wanted to say your not alone and i hope you manage to sort it out xx

Having just noticed this post im convinced that in some cases it is a generational thing like i posted earlier.

flutterby_lil

doodoot, any news, have you had a word or has he been round with any birthday presents yet?