Advice re: Ex and my Mother.

elvis86

brians_daughter wrote: »

She may also be thinking it 'would be nice' for the children to know (in some strange money laddened way) that they are thought about by the fathers side of the family. As you and the ex do not speak he relly has nowhere else to drop off gifts etc - or does he?

Whilst i disagree with your mothers (and childrens fathers) actions i feel that the children getting gifts from the other side of the family iykwim is positive.

Alikay wrote: »

it could be beneficial for the children to know that their father and his family care about them.

I completely disagree with this. They send gifts to make themselves feel better and I wouldn't indulge them. If they cared about the kids they would move heaven and earth to see them regularly. Anyone can spend £50 at Argos on toys. I think it sends very mixed messages to children, that Daddy, Grandma and Grandad etc will spend £££s on toys for them at Christmas but won't spend the time or make the effort to visit them.

I've seen numerous absent fathers who only become interested in their kids at birthdays/Christmas (ie opportunities to wheel them out in front of their families and play the good father), and spineless paternal grandparents who condone their son's decision to ignore his kids and make zero effort to see the kids themselves, and yet they send Birthday and Christmas gifts with cards declaring how they love and miss the children. IMO it's sick and confusing for the children.

I'll probably be condemned here, but I'd be tempted to return the gifts. Or if money is tight and you don't want to deprive your kids of the items themselves, remove the labels and tell them they came from Santa.;)

adamantine

elvis86 wrote: »

I completely disagree with this. They send gifts to make themselves feel better and I wouldn't indulge them. If they cared about the kids they would move heaven and earth to see them regularly. Anyone can spend £50 at Argos on toys. I think it sends very mixed messages to children, that Daddy, Grandma and Grandad etc will spend £££s on toys for them at Christmas but won't spend the time or make the effort to visit them.

I've seen numerous absent fathers who only become interested in their kids at birthdays/Christmas (ie opportunities to wheel them out in front of their families and play the good father), and spineless paternal grandparents who condone their son's decision to ignore his kids and make zero effort to see the kids themselves, and yet they send Birthday and Christmas gifts with cards declaring how they love and miss the children. IMO it's sick and confusing for the children.

I'll probably be condemned here, but I'd be tempted to return the gifts. Or if money is tight and you don't want to deprive your kids of the items themselves, remove the labels and tell them they came from Santa.;)

my kids father sent eldest a card 1 year. ignored the youngest and all xmas' but this one birthday he sent a card. ive kept it and the accompanying letter but i never gave it to him. he can read it when he is old enough to understand and the same with all the emails if they kids want to know the truth that i never stopped their father seeing them and the only time he got incontact was eldest birthday. dont think he ever remembers when the youngest was born.

i completely agree with it being sick and confusing for the kids and its all too easy to splash out money once or twice a year to make themselves feel better but it makes the kids worse to know they are not bothered with the rest of the year.

brians_daughter

elvis86 wrote: »

I completely disagree with this. They send gifts to make themselves feel better and I wouldn't indulge them. If they cared about the kids they would move heaven and earth to see them regularly. Anyone can spend £50 at Argos on toys. I think it sends very mixed messages to children, that Daddy, Grandma and Grandad etc will spend £££s on toys for them at Christmas but won't spend the time or make the effort to visit them.

I've seen numerous absent fathers who only become interested in their kids at birthdays/Christmas (ie opportunities to wheel them out in front of their families and play the good father), and spineless paternal grandparents who condone their son's decision to ignore his kids and make zero effort to see the kids themselves, and yet they send Birthday and Christmas gifts with cards declaring how they love and miss the children. IMO it's sick and confusing for the children.

I'll probably be condemned here, but I'd be tempted to return the gifts. Or if money is tight and you don't want to deprive your kids of the items themselves, remove the labels and tell them they came from Santa.;)

Whilst i understand what you are saying, and to some degree i do agree, if the children are young and craving some contact (whatever form that may take) from the fathers side of the family is it fair for the op to withold such attempts? As i said, it maybe the mother who is thinking the presents maybe nice - i cannot see any other reaon she would continue to accept them from him if this wasnt the case.

I know with my nephew (and i do accept all familys are different) that just one token card or gift would (in his childlike mind) equate to Daddy was thinking of hm. Infact even at 19 my nephew still stands by the fact that one (as he puts it) crappy poundland toy and card from a pack not even a special one would have made his xmas. Hes grown up now and realises that its time and contact that would have mattered, but for those xmas days he spent crying it would have made it all better for him (for a while)

And as always we only hear the OP's side of the story. Whilst i am in no way stating she is embellishing the truth we all knwo that with emotive subjects such as this there are often several sides to the same story.

jetplane

I don't know if your mother undermines you at other times or if it is just on these two annual ocassions. If everything goes well for the rest of the year and you rely on her for childminding and/or don't want to disrupt her otherwise good relationship with them I would just tell her that you have to remove them from her care until he has been.

Tell her you have discussed it with your boys therapist and if she cannot understand the detrimental effect that her actions will have then you have no choice other than to remove them from the situation. This way they don't see him and she can't tell them he has been.

It will just be too stressful trying to persuade her otherwise and worrying about what day he will turn up.
Good Luck

doodoot

elvis86 wrote: »

I completely disagree with this. They send gifts to make themselves feel better and I wouldn't indulge them. If they cared about the kids they would move heaven and earth to see them regularly. Anyone can spend £50 at Argos on toys. I think it sends very mixed messages to children, that Daddy, Grandma and Grandad etc will spend £££s on toys for them at Christmas but won't spend the time or make the effort to visit them.

I've seen numerous absent fathers who only become interested in their kids at birthdays/Christmas (ie opportunities to wheel them out in front of their families and play the good father), and spineless paternal grandparents who condone their son's decision to ignore his kids and make zero effort to see the kids themselves, and yet they send Birthday and Christmas gifts with cards declaring how they love and miss the children. IMO it's sick and confusing for the children.

I'll probably be condemned here, but I'd be tempted to return the gifts. Or if money is tight and you don't want to deprive your kids of the items themselves, remove the labels and tell them they came from Santa.;)

Elvis, that's exactly how I feel about it all.

I'm convinced that he's told the family a pack of lies about me being the one to stop contact, but that does not explain why his family also severed contact with the children.

There's nothing stopping them from sending letters to my mother's house on a regular basis or even calling me on my mobile to ask to speak to them.

My sons feel that they are forgotten about until birthday/Christmas/Easter comes around, then guilt kicks in and they all send cards/money/presents.

Sigh...I really don't know how to start this dreaded conversation with my mum.

molliejo

Tough one this. I'm very close to my Mum and she gets on very well with my ex. To me it's not a problem as we get along ok and there's no abuse been involved.

She over steps the mark sometimes and when I do mention it she gets all defensive and then sulks for days.

I think it's about finding another way to address the issue (sorry, I haven't found one yet!). Try mentioning the impact that seeing their Dad would have on the boys and that telling them he is calling could very well make them feel uncomfortable with her. They could see Grandma as an enemy later in life if she gets on with the Dad who abused them.

I also think that giving them the presents after Christmas is a good idea as it prevents spoiling Christmas for them.

doodoot

brians_daughter wrote: »

And as always we only hear the OP's side of the story. Whilst i am in no way stating she is embellishing the truth we all knwo that with emotive subjects such as this there are often several sides to the same story.

I completely appreciate your comment, and understand that posters here only know my side.

Yes there's been times in the early days of the break up where I was tempted to use the children as ammunition, but it was my decision to remove this man from our lives and we have all become better people emotionally and mentally because of it.

Like I said there was only one time that I stopped contact, and out of the 6 times that contact was arranged via solicitors I instigated it 5 times - the boys wanted to see him so I requested my solicitor to ask him to agree to see his children.

I know that he earns a very good wage and is living with a woman and her 2 daughters and they all enjoy a good standard of living, so if I was to chase him for CSA payments my sons would get quite a sum off him.

I choose to not go down that road as I know that he would play silly boogers, lie, cheat and disappear...I don't want my sons to go through any more heartache at his hands.

If I was to post screenshots of online comments he has made about his children, I'm sure that every single one of you would have an intake of breath and understand why I get mad with my mother allowing him into her house...and she's read them.

molliejo

elvis86 wrote: »

I completely disagree with this. They send gifts to make themselves feel better and I wouldn't indulge them. If they cared about the kids they would move heaven and earth to see them regularly. Anyone can spend £50 at Argos on toys. I think it sends very mixed messages to children, that Daddy, Grandma and Grandad etc will spend £££s on toys for them at Christmas but won't spend the time or make the effort to visit them.

I've seen numerous absent fathers who only become interested in their kids at birthdays/Christmas (ie opportunities to wheel them out in front of their families and play the good father), and spineless paternal grandparents who condone their son's decision to ignore his kids and make zero effort to see the kids themselves, and yet they send Birthday and Christmas gifts with cards declaring how they love and miss the children. IMO it's sick and confusing for the children.

I'll probably be condemned here, but I'd be tempted to return the gifts. Or if money is tight and you don't want to deprive your kids of the items themselves, remove the labels and tell them they came from Santa.;)

My husbands ex is trying to stop him seeing his son, every time it come's around to collecting him she says he either can't or doesn't want to come. He hasn't seem him for 8 weeks now and their is no reason why he wouldn't want to come. My hubby will try again on Tuesday as he does every week and I'm sure he'll get the same again.

I thought that if it carrys on he should send a card etc for Christmas so his son knows he is thinking about him. Do you think this is a bad idea. After reading this post (I know the circumstances are different) I'm not so sure now.

elvis86

doodoot wrote: »

Elvis, that's exactly how I feel about it all.

I'm convinced that he's told the family a pack of lies about me being the one to stop contact, but that does not explain why his family also severed contact with the children.

There's nothing stopping them from sending letters to my mother's house on a regular basis or even calling me on my mobile to ask to speak to them.

My sons feel that they are forgotten about until birthday/Christmas/Easter comes around, then guilt kicks in and they all send cards/money/presents.

Sigh...I really don't know how to start this dreaded conversation with my mum.

I really feel for you, and whilst I do think you need to stand up to your mum, I appreciate that it's very difficult if you rely on her for childcare and may preclude you from issuing any ultimatums.

If it's any consolation, I've known of a couple of single mums who's mothers have inexplicably defended their useless exes, so you're not alone. It would make me bl00dy angry though. I'm not saying that families should act like pack animals and turn on the ex, but you're entitled to expect some support from your mum and you're definitely entitled to expect (and demand) that she respects your decisions when it comes to your kids and contact with their father.

But as I said before, even if your mum caves and the ex still manages to drop the gifts off, maybe just remove the labels and let your kids enjoy them.:)

elvis86

molliejo wrote: »

My husbands ex is trying to stop him seeing his son, every time it come's around to collecting him she says he either can't or doesn't want to come. He hasn't seem him for 8 weeks now and their is no reason why he wouldn't want to come. My hubby will try again on Tuesday as he does every week and I'm sure he'll get the same again.

I thought that if it carrys on he should send a card etc for Christmas so his son knows he is thinking about him. Do you think this is a bad idea. After reading this post (I know the circumstances are different) I'm not so sure now.

I'm so sorry to hear about that, but it's a completely different situation. What I disagree with is absent fathers and grandparents making no effort all year and then sending the gifts and cards with gushing messages on birthdays and Christmas.

Your husband should carry on fighting for access to his son and move heaven and earth to make sure that the little boy knows that he loves him. What a sad situation.:(